claritee

I guess since it’s 2022, and I am back, it’s safe to say that perhaps suicidal ideation is never going to leave me. Not completely.

I wonder if anyone is here that used to be here. I hope everyone that used to be here when I was is still here on this earth and doing better.

I remembered this site. As I laid in bed crying tonight. I went back to read my old posts and can relate to so many of them.

I’m glad that I can be here, though. I am glad this site exists.

I don’t really have suicidal ideation anymore. I’m on Lexapro now and feeling as if my brain has been calmed. So why am I here? I don’t know. I went back and read some of my old posts. And I’m trying to remember my state of mind and how broken I was. I was such a mess. Still am to be honest, but less so.

My posts consisted of me talking about my ex and my breakup. It has taken me this long, two years, but I’m finally and truly healing and I’d say, 85% over it. I haven’t talked to my ex in a year […]

I have acquaintances, but I don’t have any REAL friends that I can sit down and tell all my problems to. I’m the one that usually listens to other people but I don’t have any vessel for me to vent to. Tonight I could really just use a friend to talk to. One that wants to listen to me for once. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve had that. I don’t even know.

I haven’t been to this site since February. Things have been OK, but tonight the thought of suicide popped into my head again. Then I just found myself typing in this […]

Of course, not going to act on it. Too scared to die. Don’t REALLY want to die. I just want the pain to stop.

I haven’t been on this site for a while. For a long time. But here I am again…

I regressed. I was making progress. And then I regressed. I know how to be better again, but it takes work and giving myself hope yet again.

I’m crying while typing this. I just want the pain to stop.

And now it’s back.

Just thoughts. Bleak thoughts.

Very tired.

Ok. So I’m “lonely”… to the point where I’ve been talking to this guy that I met online for about a month now. We didn’t exchange photos and virtually know nothing about each other. He has a mean and narcissistic personality. I told him that he’s a jerk. The reason why I didn’t stop talking to him is because he was filling a void. We would flirt and just talk about how our day has been and that’s about it. Nothing too deep. Nothing too personal.

I’m a black woman and never told him this. He didn’t tell me anything about himself either. But then he […]

I have a crush on a married guy. And I think he and his wife know it and are sympathetic.
I went out with a group of people tonight and while everyone is sitting and talking, I just have an urge to leave so I can go home and cry.
I am a mess.
I haven’t had much sleep in the past few days.
I’m lonely
I’m tired
The unnameable lust in upon me.

When I look at photos of my younger self, like when I’m 5 years old. I just want to simultaneously apologize for what she’s about to become and also tell her that everything turns out fabulous later.

How do you move on when you know that the failure of a relationship is 100% your fault? When you don’t love yourself enough to be loved by someone else? When you push the person that is trying to give you love away? How do you forgive yourself? How do I move on when I know that right now I could still be in an amazing relationship if I just allowed myself to be vulnerable and open. I hated myself so much that I thought he could do better. And now I think he has found better. I’ve been stalking his Facebook page, like I […]

I’ve been journaling to my future self. I start it off by saying something like: Dear Future Me, I hope you’re well. I’m not too well today, but I’m going to push through today and do what I need to do for you, so you can say that you are happy because of what I did today.

It’s been helping me a lot. It’s been helping me push through my days. Whatever decisions I make for myself today is going to affect future me and I want future me to happy. Or at least content. To be stable. To want to live and not die.

I’m just […]

I deleted 3 of my ex’s voicemails that have been in my phone for a year.

Next step is to delete the text messages. Hundreds upon hundreds upon hundreds of text messages.

That will be the hardest one.

I’m tired of crying over him. So so so so so tired.

In November, I got a heavy crush on someone else. I was doing well and the thought of my ex made me roll my eyes and I started to get over him. I was starting something up with this new guy and felt like I could be happy again. I started imagining myself with someone else and it felt […]

I went in last year for a physical. Got blood drawn. Etc. I never went back for the results. I think I’m healthy. Whatever. If they had seen something weird they would call me I guess. So today I got a phone call from the doctors office. I missed the call and they left a message telling me to call them. My brain went something like this… “They found something on those test results and have been trying to call me for a year. Or maybe they found something odd and wondered why I haven’t came in to the office. This is it. I probably […]

The last time I talked to my ex was in February. He was on the verge of being my friend, but then I just unloaded to him all my feelings and he shut off again. That was the last time I talked to him. I promised myself that I wouldn’t look at his Facebook account. And I’ve been good on my word… until yesterday.

The thing is… I don’t know. I HATE that I think this but every time I talk to him, look at his FB or anything. I just fall in love all over again.

I’m trying to talk sense to myself. I should be […]

It’s like a silent cry. Tears just leaking from my eyes on and off all day long. I’ve been doing semi-normal things all day. But tears just keep flowing.

=(

I’m lonely as hell.  I’ve been trying to date people. I’ve been reading this book that’s truly helpful to learn more about loving myself and getting exactly what I want from a relationship. This is why my ex and I broke up because of my absolute insecurity and lack of self-worth. I sabotaged a great relationship because I didn’t believe that I was enough for him. I thought he could do better. I thought he could find someone much better than me, much prettier than me, much smarter, etc etc. So I’ve been trying to work on my self-worth for several months now.

I date and […]

I look at women and wish I were them. Being bisexual, sometimes I’m not sure if I wish I looked like them or if I’m checking them out. Sometimes I confuse myself. Like if I think a woman is beautiful, I don’t know if I’m jealous or if I like them.
I’d like to think I’m confident, cute and beautiful. But I’m not sure I do. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I think that I’m a monster.
I unfollow people on Facebook if they post too many relationship photos. It makes me feel lonely. It makes me cry to see others in happy relationships and me, alone and […]

I haven’t been here since August. Things have been OK for me mentally, except my birthday was a couple of days ago and since then I’ve been in this mental spiral. So I am here once again. Wanting to die. I don’t REALLY want to die, I just can’t think of a better solution to end the pain I feel. I don’t ever remember really enjoying my birthday… and I’m wondering if I’ll ever be happy enough to enjoy it. =(

I often think about dying and always have, but I do have an urge to live, so I don’t think I would ever do the deed. I was thinking about getting a semicolon tattoo somewhere. Just something small and discreet.

Does anyone here have one?

Fuck.

Alright, I’m back. You know me, the girl that whines about her ex in almost every post. Back in July he sent me a text message, basically after 3 months of not having contact with him. It made me VERY anxious.

We had a wonderful relationship but it just collapsed near the end when I started showing how fucked up I really am. How I had trust issues and also anxiety issues that made me keep a distance from him. It drove him up the wall. He also has severe anxiety issues, probably more than me, having suffered with intense OCD for the majority of his […]