I’m sorry for rambling all the time. Just–my dad doesn’t want to do anything fun when my sister is at college. My sister is with friends at college right now having fun, and a friend gave us baseball game tickets and my dad didn’t want to go-we went when my sister was with us though. On a better note, I was able to read 40 pages last night for the first time in weeks! Yay me. Going on a day trip tomorrow and I know I’ll feel guilty at the end of the day for eating unhealthy and not exercising and for the trip ending :-(.
Question: I am scared to tell my family/have them discover my depression because my nightmares are always about being declared crazy, because I am worried treatment wouldn’t work and I would be left empty…and I am almost afraid that it would work. Crazy, right? But I don’t know what I would be without my depression, the monster in the corner of my mirror, the inspiration behind my poems. My depression feels like such a horrible defining part of me. So, my question is, does anyone else feel this way? Scared what they’d be without their depression?
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I don’t want to tell my family about my dark thoughts either.. I don’t want them to worry about me too much and I also feel they’ll be quick to judge, saying I don’t have anything to be depressed over etc… It kind of irks me that they have no idea who I really am though.. No one does, but I suppose I like it that way.
Being scared of living without depression is an interesting point too. I suppose I’ve accepted the sulky person I’ve been for years now, I don’t know if I really want it to change either. I wouldn’t say I’m scared of losing my depression, depression is something you strive to get out of.. But maybe that’s just what we’re told by everyone, that we need to get out of this sulky dark life.. Hard to give you a direct answer on this, but if you’re contempt with who you are, who the hell is anyone to tell you to change?
Exactly. I am sick of hearing that people have it so much worse than me. My family does not see the depressed me. I am definitely NOT content with who I am-I just meant that I have been struggling with depression for so long that I don’t know what I’d be without it. I can’t imagine a life where I am am completely happy. You know what I mean?
I understand completely, people talk about how terrible their life is, little do they know how your life TRULY is on the inside. I have dealt with this on before (not on a massive level), so I can imagine how other people’s negativity and ignorance pounds into your head. I suppose I simply misunderstood what you meant over my statement being contempt with who you are :). I’m certainly happy you want to progress through your depression and I also understand your fear of moving past it. It’s definitely become a part of me, and countless others. I hope you find peace, and if the opportunity presents itself, I think you should try not to let the fear of not knowing what’s next stop you from your shot at being completely happy, especially since you aren’t contempt the way you are. Most people including me are nervous about our progressing lives due to the fact that we don’t know what’s next.
Well the first part of this, it obviously sucks when your parents show preferential treatment to your siblings. It makes you feel less important, less worthy of their time, and less loved.
Don’t worry about taking a day off from eating healthy and exercising. Even bodybuilders don’t work out every single day, and they take cheat days where they eat whatever they want.
Telling people about depression is tough. There is still a very negative stigma about people with mental or emotional disorders. Like you said you don’t want to be labeled crazy. So if your parents found out they would probably react in one of 2 ways. They would either not take it seriously. Assume its just normal teenage problems, tell you that you have no reason to be depressed. Your life is great stop being so emo/sensitive and they will be totally dismissive belittling, condescending. Or they will take it seriously and force you to go in for treatment.
Treatment is kind of scary, because like you said what if it doesn’t work. If it fails you kind of lose hope of ever getting better. That loss of hope would be that empty feeling you were talking about. You feel broken, and start to believe you can’t be fixed.
I understand what you mean about being afraid of getting rid of depression. Your last post you talked about how you don’t feel real. It seems like you have issues with your identity, with how to define yourself. So you want to cling to the things that define you, even if its something negative and painful like depression. It is part of who you are, part of your identity, part of what makes you real. Getting rid of it would feel like being a different person.
You never really get rid of depression though. You can put it into remission. It might not have such a strong hold on your mind all the time. You could go months where you feel like it is gone and then something will trigger a relapse.
Yes, I totally get that. I’ve gotten used to feeling horrible and wanting to die for the past 4 years now, so any change for the ‘better’ scares the living hell out of me. It’s consumed me whole now, I think I’d be nothing without my depression and suicidal thoughts.
Exactly. It’s strange how something so awful can define a person so much. And yes, I struggle with identity, feeling different, not good enough, like I don’t belong with any type of crowd. And I can’t tell my family for the reasons anhedonic apathy said. Do people’s parents normally find out or do you think I’ll live the rest of my life without them ever knowing what I’m struggling with? I don’t know which one scares me more.
They probably won’t notice. Maybe if you fail out of school, if the school calls and says you haven’t shown up for classes in the last 6 months. If you start using drugs and alcohol to self medicate, if you start staying out all night. If you go to a pool party or the beach and have 100s of cuts from self harm. It would probably have to be something completely blatantly obvious like that.
Although at some point you should seek help yourself if you need it. You shouldn’t let things get too bad.
Things are already bad. I can’t go out to a party because I literally don’t know anyone. I think at my funeral-besides my family-3 people would attend and all of them are much older than me and 2 are my parents’ friends and 1 is a casual acquaintance. I’m home schooled. I crave having friends sometimes, especially because I can’t share my taste in books, movies, and music with my family because it’s so different from theirs. For example, I love pop, romance, Twilight, etc. An opinion which is NOT shared by my family. But sometimes I think having friends would solve nothing. Back from the trip btw. And I feel guilty for eating. How stupid is that?
I think about the funeral part too.. Outside of my family, there is ONE person who would be there for me, and even then I’m not certain on that one person. So sad to think about
For me I don’t feel depression defines me, but I don’t want to be normal, because I really don’t want to exist. If I were rid of depression, then I must be happy with my existence. I can’t accept that. I won’t let that happen. I know this is weird and irrational. I lament things I cannot change, and scared to change things in my control…
I feel the same. For some reason the thought of being happy sounds worse than depression. Like I won’t let myself be happy no matter what
Me too about being averse to being happy. And I’d have to have medicine or something to be normal and the thought of taking pills for my depression is unbearably suffocating. I don’t want to exist either.