Not scared of suicide, just scared that I could fail it

This is not the first time I’ve felt suicidal. Having struggled with depression and self-harm since my tweens (I’m in my late 20s now), I’ve experienced suicidal thoughts many times over the years. But it’s only in recent years that I’ve started considering it more seriously. And I’ve come to realise that it’s not really death itself that I’m scared of. That seems fine to me, even if there’s nothing after death and it’s just a big black void, that would actually be a relief from the emotional suffering I’ve had to endure for over a decade, it would be a relief from the hopelessness I feel whenever I try to look toward that future. I’m scared that the attempt could go wrong, that it could fail. My biggest fear would be to wake up after an attempt in a hospital, with a permanent disfigurement or disability that I’d have to live with. Because then life would be even more unbearable. I don’t know how some people are able to get over their fear of “what if this fails” and just go for it. If anyone knows how, let me know.

I’m sure some people will respond with “seek help”, “don’t give up”, etc. But the thing is, I HAVE. I’ve fought the depression, I spent all my teen years and all of my 20s so far (what most people would consider the best years of your life) trying to stay strong and fight it, for the sake of the people in my life, and for myself. But nothing has come of it, I haven’t won the battle. No matter what I do, even if I do have some window periods where I feel relatively okay, the depression and suicidal thoughts ALWAYS come back. And now I see that because of this stupid mental illness I’ve been plagued with since I was young, I’ve wasted my youth in a struggle to survive, miserable and incapable of being truly happy, instead of enjoying my life. And it’s making me feel so bitter, and even more like “what’s the point, it hasn’t gotten better after all these years, it’s never going to change”. Maybe the suicidal thoughts have started getting worse recently because now I’m getting older. When I was struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts in my teens and early 20s, even though it was still really difficult, at the back of my mind I still had this hope that I still had time, I was still young, I could still get my life together, turn things around. That kept me going. But that hope gets fainter every year, when I see that the reality is that my depression just doesn’t go away no matter how hard I try. I’m just getting older, and losing more and more of my life to this illness. While other people around my age have most of their shit together, and have so much to look forward to, I look to the future and I literally see nothing, just blankness. Because I’ve spent the past 15 years or so being miserable and trying to fight an invisible battle no one else can see. I feel like I have no purpose in life. I’ve tried to find it, but the depression always comes back and ruins things for me. I feel so useless, I’m angry that I don’t seem to possess the ability to get myself out of this situation. And now I don’t have the strength to fight it like I used to, because I don’t have the same hope to fuel me anymore. I don’t have a strong support network. My parents were emotionally neglectful growing up. I’ve never been able to form really close bonds with people, and most of the few friends I have don’t even know I have depression (or if they do they don’t know the extent of how bad it is, because I put on a “I’m fine” mask around them – I have to, because let’s face it, most people find it hard to understand or empathize with someone with a mental illness, and no one wants to be around a depressed, suicidal person). I’ve spent my entire life studying, and I still don’t have a career. Everything seems pretty meaningless to me now, I look around and see people pursuing all these empty goals, chasing ephemeral material things. But for what? I know it’s the depression talking, but at the same time, I’ve had it for so long now that it’s probably a part of me anyway, so what’s the difference?

I’ve even lost track of what the hell this post was supposed to be about. Lmao. I guess I just wanted to vent? And see if anyone else can relate? I think my point was that I’m just exhausted. I’ve tried to keep going all these years, to no avail. Shit doesn’t change. And my desire to cease living is getting stronger. The only thing holding me back is fear of failing, and also a little bit of feeling bad for those I leave behind. I only say a little bit because as selfish as it sounds, I have already spent the last decade fighting to stay here, “for” everyone else – and most of them don’t even seem to notice or care much about me being here anyway. I’m completely drained now, I just don’t have the strength to do that anymore, to live for the benefit of others. Guess I’m stuck here though, until I can somehow “man-up” (or woman-up, in my case), to just get over the fear of failing and give it a shot. If anyone read through to this far, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t, then thanks I guess.