This post isn’t about suicide. I just want to get some stuff out of my head, and I have no one I can talk to.
I am driven primarily by selfish desires. Maybe we all are, to some extent. But for me, I feel like they’re largely out of reach. I can come up with many different strategies to get closer to what I want, but the goal never feels quite real. Maybe part of me knows that it’s unrealistic. Or maybe I think deep down that even if I get it, it won’t make me happy. I have these desires, and I think that if only I could make them real, everything would be ok. I would feel satisfied.
But maybe there’s no such thing as happiness, contentment, satisfaction. Maybe I’m just a hungry ghost, forever chasing an idea of fulfillment that will always be out of reach. Maybe we all are. Maybe that’s all humanity is.
I find that thought brings despair. It sucks all the meaning and drive from the world, and leaves me feeling very alone.
3 comments
Have you ever thought that maybe life is only that animalistic feeling we have to be better than the next person. That feeling that if I’m not better than this person then I’m never going to be anything. Everyone has a certain desire, one that’s more prominent than the others. You aren’t alone, but no one has the same desire.
The problem is, you’re highly intelligent. You’re not an idiot. Most people are, and that’s why they’re all so happy. You’re right: thought brings despair. Thought brings despair, and desire brings suffering.
It could be that you’re more selfish than most people. But I doubt it, I really do. I think everybody’s selfish.
What your desires are probably has a lot to do with your pain, too. I don’t know what they are, but some desires are more attainable (and healthy) than others.
I agree with you whiskered-fish about desire bringing suffering. I also think we are all selfish. Everything we do is to ensure our own happiness, well mostly. Whether it happens or not is a different matter. I feel like we can never be fully satisfied, always wanting something more. There’s nothing to say you can’t be content for a little while though 🙂
you can always just try to get up and go on to your next adventure, because, as you say “we’re all hungry ghosts” – and what else can you do?