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how can i be both lonely and also want to be alone at the same time?

by adecoy95

i dont want to be alone anymore, but at the same time i dont want to put myself out there.

i dont understand why being alone bothers me so much if i dont want to take effort to change it. it makes no sense

im going to turn 30 soon, i have never dated or been in a relationship with anyone, ive never been intimate with anyone

i have been considering hiring a escort, but i dont know if i could even do that, what if i got caught? would my family despise me? consider me a terrible person? could i accept that?

what if i hired one, and instead of fufilling some need for intimacy it instead just made everything worse, what if its better to never know, than to experience something i will never get outside of the fantasy? that thought horrifies me

i have nothing interesting to contribute to a group setting, no fun stories, no interesting antictdotes, fun talents or exciting hobbies, im hopelessly forgetabble

i am also a terribly boring person, i cant say im really suprised people dont want to share experiences with me, i wouldent want to share experiences with me.

my hobbies are not interesting enough to talk about, i spend most of my time playing games and watching tv and anime. hardly fun things to hang out and expect people to be interested in hearing about.

i often read suggestions that the best way to meet new people is to go out there and do what you love and you will meet people along the way, what do you do if your interests are hollow distractions, that just keep you distracted for one day at a time?

when people ask me what i have been up to, i cant really answer them, because i have been doing literally nothing, i just tell them its the same old thing. it hurts.

sometimes they ask what my hobbies are, but its never a true interest, just small talk, but they are not interesting activities anyways, so i am not suprised

i have no job, barely any money, no way to travel easily. even if i could travel, where would i go? who would i meet? what would we talk about? what would be out there we could share in?

i visited family out of state not too long ago, some of them told me they were jealous that i have no real responsibilities or worries to deal with, i get what they are saying, life could indeed be worse as is always the case, but i wouldent wish my life on my worst enemy. its hard to describe why but its a terrible, empty life

i can count on one hand the number of people i have talked to outside of family members in 10 years in real life.

im starting to get kinda fat, its stupid because im not insanely obese just have a love handle and some stomach but it bothers me a lot, it makes me feel like everything is just too late, im already too old to experience any of these things and that it just too late, i have missed it all

its funny in a way to me, why should these things bother me? its not like im homeless, or starving, or struggling every day in a 9-5, i have more free time than i know what to do with, i should be happy right?yet, for some reason, i cant stand it anymore

maby i should just catch the train into the next life, if there is one, maby i will be a more fun person in that one, one worth talking to, laughing with or experiencing things with.

or maby i will just find another game, or another tv show, to distract me for a few more hours, so i dont have to think about it for a little while longer

when i was a kid, i always figured i was going to be dead by the time i was 30, but here i am, no end in sight

 

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13 comments

vedura 9/19/2016 - 6:17 am

Hey, I get lonely too, yet want to be alone most of the time.

Can you think of one, just one, thing that brings out a bit of passion from you? Like perhaps a sunset, or stroking a soft purring cat?

You sound clinically depressed. It’s a horrible way to live. Some therapist can help. Some can’t. That’s a crap shoot.

Do you exercise in any way? I mean just go for a walk, move as fast as you can, get your blood flowing.

Since I don’t know you, I don’t know what it would take to light your fire, but getting out of the house into some form of physical activity might be a good way to start.

adecoy95 9/19/2016 - 8:45 am

Hey, I get lonely too, yet want to be alone most of the time.

Can you think of one, just one, thing that brings out a bit of passion from you? Like perhaps a sunset, or stroking a soft purring cat?

not for a while, i had some passion in art for a little while a few years ago, but i failed pretty miserably at that and i havent gone back to it since. it ultimately felt like another distraction, and a wasted effort

You sound clinically depressed. It’s a horrible way to live. Some therapist can help. Some can’t. That’s a crap shoot.

maby, i have felt like this for such a long time, well into adolescence, its hard to tell anymore

yeah i have been discovering that, i had a therapist for a long time that passed away, a new one i got for a few months earlier this year got bent out of shape because i dident want to take up his advice, which was to hang out with one of his other clients who was much younger than me, i told him i did not want to play babysitter and he cancelled all our future appointments and dident contact me again. im still trying to find a new therapist but its been a while.

Do you exercise in any way? I mean just go for a walk, move as fast as you can, get your blood flowing.

i did for about a month or two, in preperation for the trip i took, but i have not done it since since, it dident really give me much satisfaction, im not sure i want to try it again.

Since I don’t know you, I don’t know what it would take to light your fire, but getting out of the house into some form of physical activity might be a good way to start.

does that help? i have tried if on and off but usually i end up feeling sick or sore

beingaguysux 9/19/2016 - 6:52 am

I am just like you except I am 20 and I never had a job. I don’t know how to help you.. because the problems you have are my exactly my problems but I have found no solution.

Life is hard you know. But the few people like you and me who have problems fitting in with society and creating relationships have it 100x harder than normal people.. but normal people don’t care because they don’t know how it feels to live like us. Instead of helping us they make fun of us and cause more problems.. society is totally fucked up..

adecoy95 9/19/2016 - 8:54 am

i dont blame society for the way i am but i can relate to how hard it can be to create relationships

beingaguysux 9/19/2016 - 9:17 am

I don’t blame society for the way I am either but I blame it for not accepting people like you and me

adecoy95 9/19/2016 - 9:19 am

ah, i apoligize

brokenandbent30 9/19/2016 - 9:54 am

Wow, I recently made a post about how I want someone, but I want to be left the hell alone at the same time. I’m early 30s. I was dating hard at the beginning of the year, but most of those guys are full of shit.

I’m sorry I couldn’t read your whole post, but as far as getting “kinda fat”, you can change that and it can help build your confidence and feel good. I started running on the treadmill again, doing sit-ups, etc and even walking long distances outside. You can do it. I wish you well.

brokenandbent30 9/19/2016 - 9:55 am

Oh and I don’t have a job, car, kids, none of that bullshit so I relate there too.

adecoy95 9/19/2016 - 10:12 am

thanks for sharing, its nice to know im not the only one struggling with that

adecoy95 9/19/2016 - 10:15 am

what was it like putting yourself out there earlier this year with the dating? im curious since you have similar issues im having atm

brokenandbent30 9/19/2016 - 3:13 pm

Putting myself out there was fun at first because I had broken up with someone. This was someone I was with for years, we broke up and ended up getting back together. History repeated itself so I wasted more years. We broke up FOR GOOD last August.

So anyway, I was eager to meet new guys and had a lot of energy. My favorite site is Ok Cupid. I had soooo much fun dating different guys. I wanted to get all the sex I didn’t get in my relationship. Ok, so that was done and I put my foot back in a couple times because I wanted something serious, but most of those guys are all about hooking up.

After my last hookup with a guy I liked months ago, I gave up. I hadn’t heard from him in months and he decided to call out of nowhere. His loss, cause I wasn’t going back down that road of heartache with him. I haven’t been dating anymore. I’m improving myself.

So anyway, put yourself out there if you’re truly ready, you can find love or rejection. Rejection fucking hurts and makes you want to quit, but you could also find the love of your life. I’m just not ready to date again yet and that’s ok. You’ll be fine. Don’t let any girl walk all over you, know that you deserve better. Just saying in case some ***** tries to fuck with your emotions. Dating can be fun though when you’re in the mood for it. Good luck!

adecoy95 9/20/2016 - 3:45 am

thanks, i appreciate you taking the time to talk

whenallthestarsfall 9/20/2016 - 4:57 am

I too am lonely…and all I want is to be left the hell alone but I also want to be held… it’s conflicting and the person, that i want most to hold me, is the person that betrayed me at the most primal of levels.

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