am i crazy if i said i want to die because i just want to know the truth? if i just want to meet god? am i wrong? maybe, yes. but is it too much to ask for god?
well, i’ve been living my past months wishing, everyday, that god would kill me because for some reason i don’t want to kill myself. people say that if you really want something that you will get it as long as you believe in god. well, i try to keep my believe so that god will grant my wish. but right now i’m pretty much still alive.
6 months i’ve been live my life hoping that this is the day for me to die until 5 weeks ago.
i fail to graduate from my university because apparently I’m late for submitting my final paper and have to wait until next year to retake the final paper test again (Ii’m not sure what its called in english). and i broke up with my girlfriend because she graduated and for unknown reason just tell me that we cant’t no longer be together (she said and i quote “you must be understand me”).
well, yeah, i’m a failure.
before all of that happen i think i’m the most selfish person in the world because i think i’m not feeling anything about my dying wish. but after that, its like the universe want me to dead. like god himself is trying to give me a message. everyday in this 5 weeks i’m thinking about the point of life, why we exist, why god created human just to praise him, did he really need that? now that i don’t care about god anymore, i stop praying, i stop asking for death, but i just want to die. suicide thought always come to my mind.
now i know how live a life without feel, without pain, without anger, without purpose, i lost my faith about god and about what i believe. and suicide thought come to mind. what stopping me now for suicide is just my family (whom i lived far away from them and i’m not really tell anything about my life to them). i just love my family and the thought about what will happen to them if i commit suicide always stopped me from doing it. i don’t want to talk to them or anyone else because i feel like i know how everybody will react about someone who wants to commit suicide. that will not help me.
so i’m doing some googling about suicide because i thought maybe i could use some internet help to talk me out of it) and i found this website. for the past hours i read some of the posts. it still doesn’t change my mind.
i don’t know that will help me… maybe it’ll help if i just dead.
i don’t even know why i write this and post this here. maybe there is still some hope deep inside me. i don’t know. maybe fate has brought me here made me write this and send me someone who can help from here. so, are you here?
2 comments
Life is extremely unfair. I recently found this site too whilst googling something similar. A post from 5 years ago caught my eye and then I did as you’ve just done, made a post without even really knowing why. I know how you feel about “God”, in all honesty, I never used to question my faith and I always believed that if you wanted something bad enough all you had to do was have faith in God and you’d get it- it always worked before, right? but I learnt the hard way that God is nothing and your desire for something can’t save a life- literally. It feels too hypocritical for me to say “hang in there, it gets better” when it’s been close to 2 years and nothing has changed for me but I do wish you all the best with resitting your final paper and moving on from your now ex girlfriend. I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more help to you today- I too am here today after all.
I feel you, I’m so curious about what’s next too. (Discovered this website just now too)
Is it better, worst ?Is there anything at all ? About God, I believe he exists but not really like a big brother watching us, more like an entity of love, which isn’t corporal or anything, just love for and among humans. But wathever it might be, or if he even exists, that doesn’t change the question. What is there really after death ? All we’ve got are suppositions, nobody proved anything so yeah.
For your situation, I can’t really advise more than what has already been said, just work for your final paper and move on, if you know what you want to do after, well aim for it. Life goes on and you’ll eventually find someone else, someone better probably, and try your best.