I consider myself a smart man, too smart perhaps, but what I truly lack is motivation. I’m a jack of all trades, good at everything but never excelling at any. That’s where the lacking in the motivational department comes into play.
I don’t have friends anymore, or family either for that matter. Every person you let in only manages to hold power over you, they have the ability to hurt you. For what’s a strangers insults compared to a lovers’ or a friends’? Water under a bridge. That doesn’t mean I haven’t had friends, because I did. We grew apart. Most would think I’m the shy depressed guy. I’m not. Hell I’m not really even socially awkward. I just don’t feel a desire to make connections with anyone.
I’ve been diagnosed as a psychopath, Aspd, all those other labels. I have had my moments where I’ve dreamt of going out guns blazing, taking as many with me as I can, but I just can’t be bothered. Again, no motivation. I don’t want to be famous, make loads of money, or even be remembered for anything. I don’t see a point. What’s wrong with me runs deeper than all that. I don’t want anything.
I used to cut myself on a brief stint, just in an attempt to feel something. I grew bored of that too. From the day I was born I have felt utterly disconnected from this world. Not in your typical I’m depressed, no one gets me sort of way, I just think it’s futile. There’s nothing here. The point of life is to make bonds, have family and friends to support and care for, to raise through the good times and the bad times. But what does that leave me with? A psychopath with a brain that wont allow those connections. I’d just as soon chop up a kid as I would raise one, and I can honestly say I would feel absolutely nothing doing either.
I’ve waited for 27 years to the day looking for a reason, any reason to stay. Still haven’t found it. So today is my birthday, and also my death day. I don’t want to hurt anyone, I don’t want to love anyone, I just want nothing. My one and only fear is that there will be a life after this one. Heaven, Hell, both scare me. Just give me peace, for the sake of others and myself. Let me sleep.
6 comments
Goodnight. Sleep well.
Don’t let the silly superstitions of religious lunatics and bronze age mythologies intimidate you. There is no heaven, hell, gods, goblins, unicorns, toothfairies, etc, they’re all products of human imagination. I’m sure some would take offense but without proof/evidence, they have nothing but their baseless beliefs and their hate.
It’s a little disturbing to think you could dismember a child, but you did mention you are a psychopath-however it’s good to know you don’t have any desire to hurt anyone.
Over time I’ve lost contact with some friends and family members-even people I thought I could count on to be there. But I think we live in a very egocentric age where people refuse to admit mistakes and I cannot tolerate anyone who is unable to do that or goes further and lies to avoid accepting blame/responsibility for their actions-so I cut people like that off.
It’s probably the one of the ugliest qualities I’ve seen in humans and it can’t really be fixed since people think they’re perfect and don’t make mistakes. Fortunately I still have some people in my life that I can rely on.
If you feel it’s your time to go, so be it. But I could recommend maybe making new relationships which could help bring back meaning and purpose in your life.
Well, I’m still here unfortunately. I did do it. I succeeded. I was brought back and in a coma for a few days. A3, I absolutely do not believe in religion in any form. I only mentioned that because its my biggest fear, there being an existence beyond this one. Aside from my dying brain having some crazy moments, drawing up images and phantasms as it fades, from what I’ve experienced is nothing. And that’s exactly what I want. I dont understand why people wont just let me go. My mother found me this time.
I can’t make connections period. I’m selfish and self-serving in a way that it’s to be redundant. What I mean is the only connections or relations that I have ever had the urge to make are for a benefit to me. Otherwise I dont bother, and lately no one seems to offer any benefit. It is a lost cause.
I am going to travel as soon as I am able. Far away from everyone and everything, and do it again.
I don’t know why I came to this site. I’m not looking for help or opinions. I’ve spent thousands on that already. I guess I wanted to leave a memento for others. I’ve attempted it three times now. I succeeded twice even though my first two attempts, my heart wasn’t in it.
it always seems like the moment its there, that you’re at the precipice, the fight or flight kicks in for no reason other than selfish self-preservation. Makes you pause and wonder if things could be different. For most that pause, that comeback from death as well, is enough to give them a different perspective on life and keep them moving forward. For me it’s always been disappointment, but for those of you that it works for.. Good for you.
Wow, everything you described about Fantasising murder, not being able connect with other individuals and feel any emotion, having the intellectual and potential to exploit but lacking motivation. I have never been able relate to someone this accurately that feels the exact FUCKING way oh my god.
Im not diagnosed as a physcopath etc. because Ive never really been been bothered to speak to anyone about it, I just don’t see the point. I kinda enjoy my ability to manipulate others anyway and I like that feeling of feeling powerand god like.
I’m not diagnosed but I know I am a psychopath. I know this because it is too obvious. Other people have told me they find it hard to read my face and expressions, and Ive observed my selfish and inappropriate reactions to serious situations. i laughed when my friend told me her grandmother past away from intestinal puncture. I don’t know why I laughed but this has happened in many other scenarios where I simply can’t feel compassion for others whatsoever. Sure I can fake it, im good at decievijg amd acting,.it part of how I blend, but I can never understand why I find the suffer, pain, or death of others so pleasing to me. I’m aware my mental is sick twisted.
Im 16 years old and last year was the biggest and craziest of myself yet. I completely flicked my switch and didnt care whether I lived or not. I was a reckless high teen and I wasn’t directly suicidal, but I did A LOT of very dangerous things and if I lived, I lived. And if I died, I died. i was heavily involved in drugs and tbh it was was fucking amazinga me I miss it.I was always high on weed, shrooms a d Lsd, at school, home, everywhere. I drank. I met strangers older than me and did more drugs. I stole expensive clothes at shops. I ran away from home one time. I vaguely remember one time having a seizure in my room after smoking too much weed and I literally thought I was dying.and when I woke up I still continued to do more. I was really reckless and crazy back then. Im now 7 months clean because I’ve been failing my school exams and I’m trying to regain my passion. (I am a math nerd) I find this all quite impossible, unbelievable and hilarious because I’m From an Indian background and not to generalise, Asian parents are strict AF, and education and citizenship is always valued. I have always rebelled and my parents don’t know half the shit ton stuff I’ve done. And sometimes I wonder if I were to stab someone (perhaps kill them) and go to jail or escape and run far far away, what will they say and think? I honestly think part of why I am like this is because at a young age I was uneccesarily beaten by my parents for not completing homework, or going outside with friends, socialising. This strict parenting has led To inexperience in socialising and jealousy for other free children and accumulation of feelings of neglection and other “why me?” Thoughts has made me the way I am now.
To this day my parents still beat me but not as much as they did before. I don’t feel anything anymore. I think I’m used to it.
But yeaaaa that’s my story, sorry if it was very long and I didn’t make sense here and there, I struggle in logically putting my thougts into words. I hope to see your reply soon because I’m glad I found your post. Thankyou for it I really appreciate it. And please stay well xx
I hope you find eternal slumber and drift upon seas of white.
Goodnight.
This post made me get wet in the eyes. I’m sitting at desk with a mountain of work to get through, people bothering me to get it done, but all I can think about is the lack of a point. I only have this job so I can buy food and pay rent so I can stay alive and comfortable, but my life doesn’t amount to much beyond eating and sleeping. what’s more, I don’t want to accomplish anymore. I just want to have to courage to jump off the subway platform and let a train take my life away, but I can’t. Too chicken shit. I just want to be able to jump, that’s all. Don’t want a job, or a family or friends or anything at all. just silence