No one truly understands why I want to die

My first time posting here. I explain with words, tears, music, etc, and I’m just met with either silence or surface level positivity. Even in suicide/depressed-focust support groups online, I still feel like an outsider in my own pain. I still feel like an alien to those who are supposed to be feeling just like I do right now. How fucked am I if other depressed people don’t even understand what I’m going through? “But have you tried this?” I’ve tried a million things a million times. I’m not depressed or suicidal for the common reasons most people can relate to. I reach out, and it just makes me more angry. I take a break and feel more exhausted. Everyone tells me, “You’re so well spoken! Your writing is so good!” But they don’t actually absorb anything meaningful, so I keep getting copy and pasted, cookie cutter responses like “try a new hobbies or reach out to a professional”. GEEZ, WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT YEARS AGO????????? No one knows how to deal with you when you are way past regular coping methods. I’ve given so many clear warning signs about my mental state and no one takes me seriously. I feel more helpless when I use hotlines or apps. There’s no amount of “self-care” I can perform within my limitations that makes a difference. I look at suicide-prevention propaganda and it boils my blood because I don’t have the permission from society to die. No one wants you to die, but no one wants to help you live either. I constantly feel like I’m trapped in a cage. Life wants me alive enough to experience suffering, but won’t let me suffer enough to put me out of my misery. Then it’s, “You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone”, but then how can I get help if I don’t communicate? Nothing works and nothing is meant to anyway, not for everyone. I’m thinking, “write a manifesto”, but what’s the point of still trying to explain myself, even in death, for other people who don’t care?