It’s gotten to the point where I think about suicide irregardless of my mood. One day in particular stands out; I was at the waterfront here in my city, enjoying an ice cream and watching the sunset. It was a beautiful day and I felt great. But even in that moment, I thought “you will have to commit suicide once you pay off your student loans” and I just nodded to myself and then went on my way to see a good movie.
This is good though. The more I become desensitized to the idea of committing suicide, the more likely I’ll actually go through with it. Once my loans are taken care of, I really won’t have much else to live for. I understand how I factor into the world and where I stand with old friends/acquaintances and new people that I meet. I know what kind of worker I am, probably what kind of parent I would be and what kind of spouse. None of it is favorable by the way. None of it’s really that bad either, but it’s too insignificant to matter at all. Why take up space in this world?