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Nathaniel_Morisawa

I am characterized by a very extreme dichotomy. On the one hand, someone genuinely altruistic and compassionate; someone who seeks to make the world a better place through calm dialogue and education. But on the other hand, I'm someone designed for very sinister purposes. Purposes that both betray the core of my character and define it. Because of this contradiction, my life has become very confusing, embarrassing, and lonely. I wish to kill myself mostly because I believe that someone like me doesn't belong in this world, but there are many other reasons as well.

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Logistics

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

The fact that I’m going to commit suicide is a course that cannot be altered at this point. Although I was hoping to use an exit bag, various restrictions and alterations (regarding helium specifically) have made this method incredibly difficult to utilize and will increase my chances of being found out and possibly arrested should I pursue it any further. Thankfully, I have no shortage of other painless and quick methods at my disposal.

Anyways, I digress. This post is mainly concerned with what to do after the deed is done. A while ago I wrote a sort of “suicide check list,” that asked for advice on things to do before I kill myself, but now I can’t find it; perhaps it got erased somehow?

At any rate, what are some things that you all are planning on doing or have done to prepare for your suicide?

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Thoughts on the Moments Before Death

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

Hello all,

So I’ve decided that after paying back my loans and buying life-insurance that I’m going to commit suicide using the exit bag method. I can’t be talked out of this.

However, I find myself wondering about what would be ideal for an EMT/Paramedic to haul back to the emergency room–it’s a small gesture, but it’s the least I can do for anyone hauling my body around. What sorts of things will they do to my body upon arrival? What about when they take it back to the emergency room? Would a less clothed body be ideal? Am I free to dress myself up however I want?

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That Place. It Gets Even Closer.

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

It’s gotten to the point where I think about suicide irregardless of my mood. One day in particular stands out; I was at the waterfront here in my city, enjoying an ice cream and watching the sunset. It was a beautiful day and I felt great. But even in that moment, I thought “you will have to commit suicide once you pay off your student loans” and I just nodded to myself and then went on my way to see a good movie.

This is good though. The more I become desensitized to the idea of committing suicide, the more likely I’ll actually go through with it. Once my loans are taken care of, I really won’t have much else to live for. I understand how I factor into the world and where I stand with old friends/acquaintances and new people that I meet. I know what kind of worker I am, probably what kind of parent I would be and what kind of spouse. None of it is favorable by the way. None of it’s really that bad either, but it’s too insignificant to matter at all. Why take up space in this world?

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Inherent Flaw

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

Good things are inevitably sullied. By my own hands, no less. The gains I make, the good things I allow to materialize, they are always torn down by these clumsy, shaking hands that have no idea of how to properly handle the copious amounts of beautiful people and things that’re thrown my direction.

This isn’t merely bad luck. This phenomenon inevitably occurs because of an inherent flaw in my design. As other people are at least, decently equipped to mingle with others (even if they don’t know this yet or think so) and receive the good things that come their way, I am not. A short explanation is that I was just… wired differently. But the less truncated answer is that ever since I was a little boy, I’ve always been more enthralled with violence rather than relationships or tangible achievements. But nonetheless, as I developed into a teen and later an adult, I would start to crave more meaningful things like love and recognition. Throughout high school, I would use my anger and violent thoughts to stifle my recurring desires for intimacy and relationships because both of these things scared me. After all, I couldn’t fathom someone liking me and watching people interact with each other, seeing bonds form between them… It would be like seeing hieroglyphics for the first time. It was all so intimidating and hopeless. And for the most part, this fear still hasn’t left me.

I won’t get into my adulthood, but suffice to say that I eventually discovered the extent to which I am–by my nature–an unsavory person that would make the world a better place by perishing and would be more successful returning to nothingness. If not for the student loans that I’ll have to pay post-graduation, I would’ve picked today as the perfect day to depart. Of course, there will be more opportunities in the future.

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General

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

It always comes back somehow. Every time I try to break away, something comes up that won’t allow me to move on from “this.” Inevitably, in reminded that I’m not like them and that I don’t belong in this world.

I think… That the only way to fix it all is to end my life. Even though I’ll die, there’s bound to be someone out there who’s of my same archetype. They will continue where I couldn’t.

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Glass Armor

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

Being in love… It’s something half of me enjoys quite a bit. Partly because of the excitement of discovering someone interesting enough to fall in love with. Partly because it makes me feel emotions I don’t typically feel.

But the other half of me is horribly afraid of this feeling. Partly because I’m weak to stop it from happening. Partly because I know that disappointment will inevitably follow suit, even if things did go my way. They always crumble apart.

I wish I’d never met you. Haha. That’s such a lie. Or is it?

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General

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

There are a number of tasks I need to do today, but I lack the emotional drive for any of them. An exam. Work. What does any of it matter? What’s to stop me from ending it all? What are the moments I live for? Most of the moments in my life are all pretty boring since I spend them by myself anyway. I claim to have aspirations like traveling, maybe agriculture later on, and going to Japan (if only to visit Aokigahara), but when I think about it, none of these things really seem like they’d be that fun since I ‘d have no one to share these moments with. Because when you have someone there to experience events with, it somehow solidifies it in ways that experiencing them by yourself could never. Of course I could do all of these things by myself, but it would be me just experiencing these events, reflecting on them, forming profound conclusions about their meaning, understanding where I fit into these things and then moving on with my life, just like I always do.

I’ve lived most of my life alone and will likely live much more of it in this way. It just gets to be the same old thing after a while. It’s really pointless. I think… that if it weren’t for my older brother I would’ve died a long time ago, but since he needs me, I’ve stayed. In some ways, I really resent him for that. I really do.

Oh how much I envy other people. Being able to make connections with others. Connections that aren’t so frail and based on need and utility. Connections in which both participants are compelled by one another to stay in contact. Connections where one party is able to make the other feel something that’s not fear or estrangement or resentment or pity. How strange it would be to have that connection with someone.

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Edict of Self-Inflicting VIII

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

I must never forget what I’m designed for at all times. Even though it will be very painful, I must never believe that I could ever form a significant bond with any of them. At every layer of my personality there is something there that they will disagree with or worse, despise. I may resort to omitting details or lies, but this will compound my suffering.

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Oh? You Want to Help?

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

If someone came up to me asking me questions like, “do you want to commit suicide? Why do you want to?” and then attempted to be friends with me afterwards, I would have a very difficult time putting stock into their word. The reason why is because relationships formed on a helper-suicidal basis tend to not last and are never really genuine. Relationships formed on said basis usually entail a lot of tip-toeing around certain issues (dishonesty or half-truths) and more often than not, culminate in the slow termination of the relationship when the helper believes that the suicidal has been “fixed,” and realizes that perhaps, outside of the helper-suicidal context, the suicidal may not be someone the helper would like to associate with.

There is also a sub-framework within the helper-suicidal relationship and it occurs when members of the opposite sex attempt to “help” each other out of their suicidal mindset. Some people–be it consciously or not–may scout for intimate relationships from suicidals as they make for easy options due to them typically being single and having low self-esteem.

If you want to help someone out of their suicidal frame of mind (which will most likely take several years, so be prepared for that too), there’s a few things you should know: long-distance (internet) relationships can be kind of cool, but usually aren’t that effective, especially if you and the suicidal live in different time zones. That been said, in-person relationships are optimal. Secondly, the most important part of forming a relationship with a suicidal person is to focus on the person they are apart from their suicide. Like… their hobbies or… their motivations or… what their perspective is on certain matters or better yet, what you can learn from them. Of course, you want to make them feel empowered to talk about their depression, so if that’s something that they’d like to talk about, you should always welcome that sort of conversation. Do not ridicule their methods/reasons for suicide (which has happened to me frequently on this website, believe it or not). And NEVER, EVER, make your decision to help a suicidal driven by intimacy. The moment intimacy becomes a speculated motive, everything you’ve tried to do has become undone. If you can manage to make these concepts your guiding principles, I believe that you’ll achieve much more than you would if you were to say… show them a documentary on suicide or explain to them the science behind depression or ask them very basic questions that have everything to do with their suicide or just make histrionic exhortations against suicide.

Be a friend, but an actual friend. Be interested in them. Determine what you can learn from them. And if you think those things are asking too much, then you quite simply don’t have what it takes to “emotionally heal” someone else (I cringe to even call it that).

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The Edict of Self-Inflicting VII

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

Because my disposition is so heavily suited for very unsavory tasks such as merciless combat and deceit, this makes me ill-equipped for more mundane things like small talk, forming relationships, and creating effective art. However, this statement is a contradiction, as my disposition also makes it possible for me to exhibit fairly uncommon forms of altruism and to stress understanding and communication which are key elements in promoting harmony.

And yet, neither statement is true, because one’s memories (more importantly, the condition of their brain) define the persona that is constantly undergoing development. In this sense, who I am now is merely a result of odds. But such statements imply that my personality reflects an immaterial soul that I do not possess.

By virtue of possessing such a contradictory set of principles, I’ve become the victim to two frequent phenomena: 1) consistent dishonesty and 2) an inability to be taken seriously. As a result, the likelihood of my social selectiveness has been reduced dramatically. This in turn, has rendered me a failed variation, which mandates my eventual death.

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Descent to -1,000 ft.

by Nathaniel_Morisawa
written by Nathaniel_Morisawa

Lately, I’ve noticed that my ability to rationalize has been strained, especially when it comes to decisions related to expanding my relationships with others.

On the one hand, there is the side of me that’s been institutionalized by cultural norms–the person that wants to get a girlfriend, wants to have lots of friends, and just wants people to like me in general.

But running counter to the institutionalized side of me, is the altruistic me, who believes that having any of those things would be selfish of me and that those relationships would be detrimental to those other entities.

And then there’s the third side that says, none of it really matters since I will eventually commit suicide.

It is impossible to reconcile all of them at once or even just two of them or even just one evidently. I feel like I’m literally going crazy. Decisions I make at one part of the day, I inevitably end up regretting and vice versa. I find myself always over-analyzing my moves, but since each moment of over-analyzing is done by a certain facet, complete with it’s own individual logic, I have to analyze my over-analyzing and still, those modes of thought are always regretted. It’s pure chaos and I can’t stand it.

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