I don’t feel lonely all the time, but sometimes (especially at night), it consumes me. It’s confusing because I want someone, but I want to be left alone at the same time. Why can’t I just be normal and find a guy and be happy and all that bullshit. I don’t understand how people maintain relationships. I did for years and it took so much out of me. His family constantly had get-togethers. They never missed a damn holiday without being together and I was always expected to go. It’s just too much.
The loneliness hurts though. A part of me still craves companionship. I’m hurting.
Oh and off topic, but my grandmother suggested I get an MRI. She said “You’re not the same.” That hurt so bad. I know I’m not the same. This illness has taken everything from me. You have no idea how it’s made me completely alone and turned me into a nobody.
12 comments
If i might ask, what illness are you struggling with?
Major depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, generalized anxiety, agoraphobia.
It’s the depression that gets me too low. At least today I ran on the treadmill. I’m going to keep doing it. I have a sick thought of becoming anorexic or at least super thin. I would still hate myself anyway.
That sounds very unhealthy and it would not help your depression, so i am glad it is just a thought
I know what u mean.. i have some of the same things, & i have been with my partner for 13 years. The family get togethers slay me, everyone so damn happy on life and talking freely with no apparent issues. It sucks. Just wanted to say ur not alone in this. I feel u .
Take care
Thank you for being able to relate. Yes, every one in his family was always happy and communicated naturally. I felt like an alien. I remember one time I hardly said anything, I just laughed a lot and nodded. That’s because they were talking about their job, car, etc. I don’t work, drive or have kids so I couldn’t relate. I would excuse myself occasionally to take a break from them. It was a nightmare.
13 years is a long time so it must be worth staying in the relationship. I grew tired of him honestly. The spark was gone after years, but I still held on because I didn’t want to be alone. It was an explosive breakup, but it needed to happen in order for me to let go.
I still crave being thin though. Even at my thinnest, I still felt like a fat fuck. If your mind is messed up, you won’t be happy no matter what you weigh.
I see huge people parade around all confident and I don’t get it, but good for them. Confidence is attractive. Being insecure and unsure of yourself is not.
Being insecure is not unattractive, it is the first step towards doubting, questioning, and then learning more about yourself. It is required in order to make changes and evolve, thus a human trait that i can respect
I really appreciate your perspective. I never thought about it like that. Insecurity felt like a weakness to me when it comes to dating. I find that quality attractive in others though.
Funnily enough, a guy I hooked up with months ago a few times just called me. We had a great comversation and he said what connected us well in the first place is that we’re both introverts and tend to isolate. He wants to see me again, but I still need a little more time with the working out and dieting so I can feel good when I see him again. That’s something to look forward to at least.
I am glad to hear it, thank you for sharing this
Well that’s not happening because the hurt of him leaving me hanging for months came back up and I decided I won’t put my heart through that anymore. I can tell he’s not into me like I was into him. I feel like he could either take me or leave me, like it doesn’t matter to him either way. I want someone really into me. I won’t put up with someone so nonchalant just because I’m lonely. That’s over. Anyway, thanks for responding.
That is the right mindset, you should not have to put up with unpleasantries if you are able to avoid them. Do not settle for any less than you deserve, or you will be taking a step backwards
I appreciate you. He made it clear this morning his original call after so long was only to apologize for disappearing. I’m the idiot who brought up hanging out sometime and he went along with it. He wouldn’t have minded hanging out and fucking, but I felt much more. I’m tired of ALWAYS being the one who feels more. The indifference of his attitude is what hurts the most. That’s why I haven’t dated in months and months. I’m too broken. Oh well, at least I didn’t let him have me again.