The most logical thing I can do

Is buy a gun. As an insurance policy. I hate being alive. There are times where I forget that fact. Where I’m capable of distracting myself from the obvious reality of my irrelevance and idiocy. But then it hits me like a mountain falling on me. I shouldn’t be here. I don’t have to use the gun. I can hold off. But having it in my back pocket the ability to leave when ever. It’s illogical to think that i’ll ever have anything other than mediocrity as the best I’m capable of. I’ll always have a million anxiety triggers and depression triggers. I’ll always fuck up basic things. I’m an incompetent human being in every possible way. I’ve been suicidal longer than a lot of you have been alive. I don’t remember not being suicidal. Even the fleeting gaps of distraction feel like bitter cold memories. I had no youth no life no connection no reason for being. I procrastinate and am shitty at everything.
I fuck up most everything I do and I’m sick of myself I’m sick of being here. Why not have a means to end it. A bus ticket I can cash in at anytime.