HELP ME GOD PLEASE I AM TOO MENTALLY ILL TO HELP MYSELF. IDK IF MY PRAYERS ARE GOING THROUGH BUT IVE BECOME SO MUCH MORE SEVERLY MENTALLY ILL IDK WHAT TO DO. THANKS
Someone Who Loves You
How many of these posts have i posted and deleted? Different profiles different locations. I stay the same. In a room alone crying online about being depressed. The one constant is a man that barely exists. Maybe I’m not even here and i myself am imaginary. It sounds insane but when i die even if am stupid enough to keep living there will be no evidence that i was ever alive. Ive never enjoyed anything from life never had my faith or trust in people rewarded. How can it be said my life is really happening? I’m so discardable. I want death. The sweet embrace of non-existence to wash away the memories of a life ravaged in severe mental illness. A person that was loved by no one. A person that should die for the peace.
Why was i born like this? Why have my attempts at both a better life and suicide failed? Why can’t just have a measure of normalcy? Enough to be loved by a woman. Enough to get the job i deserve. To live out dreams. But ive given my life decades and failed. I was young but I’m not anymore. I gave life more than enough time but it hasn’t changed i haven’t changed. I can’t make up for the lost time. I can’t stop more time from being lost. I hope i have a heart attack. I hope i choke and die. I hope some unforseen health issue could kill me i wouldn’t have to ve reminded of my past failures. I wouldn’t have to add to the continued failure of a narrative that is my life
I’ve never in the nearly 30 years ive been on earth had a life worth living. I was 12 and wanted to kill myself to spare myself pain but I didn’t. i was 13 and wanted to kill I should have but didnt….. I was 27 and wanted to kill myself to spare myself pain but I didn’t. Etc. I am accustomed to complete misery and lonliness and isolation. I have no motive to continue. Ive had so many suicide dates come and go and so many attempts fail. Im tired i was born for no reason have done nothing while being here and need to die. I legit think of suicide as the most loving act of mercy i can do for myself. I have completely broken. No treatment has helped. I dont believe in religon. I only post to give myself enough mental relief to function enough to make it to my eventual suicide.
I haven’t posted in ages. Mainly because I have been doing better. That said my mom just chewed me out for being a fuck up for the 2nd week in a row and i cant disagree with her at all. I do have fucked up priorities. I am taking my job and situation for granted. I am too old to be so irresponsible. She believes my recent slide is depression based. I dont directly disagree with that either. However, I haven’t been nearly as depressed as i used to be. I believe ive just had a lax attitude in general. I hope to use her nagging as the canary in the coal mine so to speak. A warning before major consequences occurs. What has her up in arms you may ask? A noticeable uptake in substance abuse(weed and liquor), consistently late to work, a minor car accident, spending money on electronics instead of necessities like a bed.
These aren’t things a 29 year old should do. Even now i childishly hope i have a fatal heart attack to avoid facing the consequences of my own ineptitude and stupidity. Currently my job has said nothing about my tardiness. I definitely have plenty of opportunity to turn things around. I’m legitimately embarrassed of myself. My life has been consistently shitty until now honestly. I finally have a decent opportunity after years of despair and im taking it for granted with no one but myself to blame. I plan on taking this as a wake up call and getting my shit together instead of feeling sorry for myself.
There is a meet and greet here that goes to a few restaurants / bars and I’m too scared to go. Im so tired of this happening but i don’t want to have a wallflower panic attack. Im damn near fucking 30 and i still cant fucking meet people or go out.
I keep thinking about you. Why the fuck did i let you back in my life? Why did I want you in my life? I realize now what i was and always have been. Just your ego boost. I stupidly at one point thought you loved me. I thought a wonderful person loved me. Instead a fake **** manipulated me. Didn’t give a quarter of a sqirt of piss about me. Its been a month since i talked to you last and all talking to you this past time accomplished was reopen new wounds and reframe everything. I used to see you as a good person turned bad. Now i realize you were never good. I never connected to you i just thought I did. I wish I never met you ever and i hate that i know of your existence.
I thought of hanging myself multiple times this weekend. It has never worked so I didn’t waste my time. I wonder how it feels to die. To be in a state of non existence. Ive wondered for so long. Each agonizing lonely meaningless moment. Ive spent 5 years under 3 screen names here. I too about 2 years off at one point but still. Ive been suicidal since I could remember. I know factually the love i have for my self is the love I’ll ever have. You read that right i do love myself. I feel my suicide would be a merciful act of self love. I love myself enough to spare myself future pain and memories of past pain while being constantly reminded of it. There are 8 billion people on an overcrowded planet. People are one of billions of living organisms on the planet. And this planet is one of trillions in the observable universe. My life is mathematically insignificant. My death wouldn’t warrant a funeral and the pain and suffering that is and has been most of the days of life i live mathematically prove that me living is illogical.
As far as I know this isn’t against the rules. I sort of stole this idea from another post. I’m looking for a friend. I am genuinely trying to live but I have no friends at all. I work i not sleep that is my life. I realize looking back one of the main reasons for me not being able to get along with people is that most people don’t understand depression or anxiety. Id love a friend local to where i am who did understand. I dont care about gender or anything I just need someone to interact with locally.
They have a free art crawl in town and I wanted to go. Basically a bunch of art galleries open up their doors for free every first friday of the month. After work I drive to the first one open. Park my car walk to the door and then…. panic. I turned around and went home. I tried to get myself up for it at work. Tell myself it would be just ok to go but I couldnt handle it. Ive never had a girlfriend hell ive never really had any friend. I don’t know how to interact with people socially. I dont even know how to go in public. I genuinely don’t think ill make another friend for the rest of my life. My anxiety controls me. It prevents me from getting out of my hell hole. My date will be here before I know it. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Bang!
*Disclaimer* I know a lot of people are suffering here but please dont take your suffering out on me. Dont assume about my situation because I don’t assume about yours. Now on to the post.
Ive never had a girlfriend. I’ve never even had the opportunity. In 29 and im going to kill myself if a month before my 30th b day if that is still the case. I also need a better chance of a career as well but this post is about my love life that other one comes later. If these 2 things aren’t met I’ll die. In fact I’ll probably do it earlier if i don’t see any hope for improvement. Ive been shitted on so many times in my life its sickening. Anytime any mentions relationships or sex i literally cringe and panic uncontrollably. My whole life with girls is being told im not good enough. I dont want some bs advice. Gotta be more confident shit. Im actually way more confident than i was as a teen. Social media didn’t exist then. Now I’m competing with hundreds of guys and i look like fucking Patrick Star. No amount of confidence will overcome that. Plus its not getting a girlfriend its getting a loyal one. I know a guy raising some one else baby with his long term gf from back home. Howd you like to have the love of your life come home with someone else’s kid? When i waa younger girls used to bully/tease me for them not liking me. Taunt me with how they screw other guys and how im “just a friend” or just outright say i dont measure up or am not attractive enough. I kept thinking that if i kept taking shots eventually someone would like me but it never happened. Every orange moon id get a desperation lay from a girl then get ignored. The idea that youre supposed to have control over your ability to date or rather that its taken for granted angers me. The idea that love is dead angers me. The idea that im too ugly to be cared about pisses me off. I don’t even know if a girl can be trusted based upon my life either. I had an old ldr come back into my life to be validated and try to pull the wool over my eyes again recently when i wasn’t even interested in her in that way because of distance. For fucks sake all you have to do is say youre talking to some one so im not talking about how depresssd i am to someone elses girlfriend. But you have to act like its 2014 again where you lie about what your doing slut out and take all of your frustrations out on me. Fuck you i wish we never met you never gave a fuck. I’m just tired of seeing sex everywhere and shallowness everywhere when all i want now and have ever wanted is love but its apparently too old fashioned and I’m too ugly.
Above is a documentary on someone who is suicidal. They have friends and an apartment and the ability in their country to die by Euthanasia for depression. I want to die so bad. I set some arbitrary date but I’m tired now. I’m back to the every pay check I think I should buy a gun mentality. I’m in an awful mood. I hate this loneliness being all I am and know. I makes me sick. I just want to die. It’s been 30 years of this shit. I ‘ll never have any one love me in any way I’ll never be productive in any way. I need a fucking miracle. I’m so sick of bearing the emotional brunt of other people’s stupidity. I’ve written literally hundreds of posts under multiple accounts over 5 going on 6 off and on years here. It never gets better. I quit I just want to die. I want all the pain to end all of it it never does. I sincerely want to run my car off a bridge right now.
I haven’t been this excited for a movie in a while. I hope it doesn’t disappoint. Now on to the rant.
I sit in the cold bitterness of loneliness right now. I tend to stay away when things are doing well. I want to live. Im stuck in a permanent death like state as my whole life has been. I desperately want life. The pain and loneliness of being is all i have been. I cant exist like this forever. Im praying for an escape. Perfection is not an expectation and though you can’t tell from my posts I’m appreciative of the blessings that have come my way. The glimmers in the mud. I can’t help but to wonder will i ever connect in a meaningful way to anything significant. Will i stay embittered by anxiety and depression’s grip? I just want to sleep away the pain. I just want a time machine to undo all my mistakes. To stand up for myself all the times i was taken for granted. To take chances i didn’t have the balls for. I wish i had a different life. I can only hope the pain goes away. The despair fades. I can only hope i can make a change or a miracle befalls me.
My big plans for having a chance are dashed about 10 and a half montha left. Consider ive been on thia site longer than that odds are ill be dead then. I tried my damndest i can die knowing my best effort was given and that i should have never been born. Im ugly and stupid and ill never be loved or even trust anyone again anyway. I’m lazy and depressed so ill never be productive towards my goals. I’ll never accomplish anything more tba. I have. Im gaining weight back. So i get to be even uglier and be more rejected. Im sick of being alive and failing time after time day after. When i look back at my life all i see is pain. When i look forward pain. What do i feel now pain, loneliness, despair thats all i know. Thats all I’ll ever know.
In a less than a year i will kill myself if my life doesnt improve. The date is 9 1 17. If I’m in the same rut ive been in the first 29 years ill end it all. I have things i want to do ill start therapy Tuesday. Ive lost an additional 40 lbs the past 4 or 5 mos making my total weight loss around 140 lbs. I’ve done and am doing the best i can. I hate the way this uglyiness and loneliness feels. If nothing changes then nothing changes. I will die complete regardless. Ill die knowing i gave all the all i possibly could with next to no support or even basic respect from another soul. I’m comfortable with that.
If i counted up every time ive killed myself in my mind. It would probably be around a hundred million. I’ve had attempt after attempt though its been a while. My date is September 1st 2017 to have a legit reason to live. Im counting down until the moment i end it all. When the pain of talking to people who have hurt you no longer exits and the burden of breathing stops. I took the brunt of everything you dealt with to be lied to. Why am I activity talking to you. I feel shitty enough on my own. I don’t want you to remind me of how inconsequential my existence is. Im angry angey im alive. Im angry because all one hundred million suicides were fictional.
I thought about buying studio equipment instead of a gun but fuck that. Im still getting a gun as an insurance policy. The weekend wasn’t awful. I even got an early B-day present. I just have too many triggers and I’m tired of living. An old friend unwittingly reminded me why we stopped being friends. I fucked up this damn NDA for a business I want to start and my sister out the blue tells me some random asshole is about to come over. Thanks for the fucking heads up.