A letter to my rapist.

My therapist said that this would help me release some of the pain I have. I am supposed to put it in a public place. Everyone here is very kind so I chose here. Thanks.

Dear Man,

When you see me walking down the street, you nod at me and lick your lips. When you see me in the hallways, you stare and curl your lips into a smirk. When you sit next to me in class, you move your chair closer and touch my leg when you talk to me. When I sit in my car, you walk up and tap on the glass.

When I see you, I feel my skin turn inside out. When I see you, I want to hide. When I see you, I run to the bathroom and vomit into the toilet. When I see you, my body floods with adrenaline and anxiety.

When you look at me, I can feel you hurting me again. When you look at me, I feel unsafe. When you look at me, you remind me of what you took from me. When you look at me, I can feel that night all over again.

When I see you, I can’t remember your face. When  I see you, I can feel you touching me. When I see you, I can hear myself saying “no” and “stop”. When I see you, I can feel the emptiness all over again. When I see you, I wish I wouldn’t have gotten into your car.

Now, when I leave my house, every man reminds me of you. Every man, makes me feel uncomfortable. Every man, could hurt me. Every man could do the things you did to me.

Now, when I see myself, I can’t help but pick at the skin you tainted. When I see myself, I see someone who was not strong enough to save herself. I see someone who decided to get into that car — someone who deserved what she got. 

But I tell myself, I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve that. I have a place in this world. I deserve to be here. I deserve to feel safe. I deserve to feel safe. I deserve to feel happy. I deserve to not carry these weights with me. I deserve to be free of you.

You may have taken something from me, but you do not get to keep me. I will not let you keep hurting me even after. I will not.

Sincerely,

Me.