Disappearing

I’ve been living my life until now with a life which is ‘viewed’ as a happy life by people around me. I live my life in normal body, normal family, have normal friendship, live like a normal person. Yet i just can’t erase the feeling of wanting to disappear.

I don’t even understand how and when it happened, suddenly i just don’t feel the life is worth living. Everything in my life just don’t look the same anymore. I used to be a social person, i used to like talking with people. But suddenly, it feels so tiring i just feel like avoiding talking with everyone and just lock myself up on a room. I want to do so, i want to cut off all of the relationships i had with other people, but i can’t. I’ve been living my whole life with people around me, i found myself scared. In the end anxiety haunts me in two ways; whenever i pretend to stay the way i used to be while piling up the stress of not wanting to talk people or i change into a locked-up person and living my whole life being scared of what people think and run away from people eyes. I’m living a horrible life with the first, but i found myself unable to choose the second either. It’s a dead end

I used to be pretty good at studying (at least i used to think so), I tried to put efforts on getting good grades, so i could at least find something that goes well for me, but it doesn’t.  I know i’m putting too much expectation on myself, but i do what i could and as time passes and i grow older, i suddenly lost all of my abilities along with the coming of depression and stress. I found myself unable to remember anything for long, i found myself unable to use my brain the way i used to do. I found myself unable to do all the math problems the way i used to. As the results, i ended up being nothing more than an idiot with previous record of being ‘supposedly’ good students. At first i deny it, i tried my best to do what i could to cover it up, repeated lessons, additional studying time,etc but in the end it didn’t help at all. I failed and my grades are falling. I kept trying, but each failures just lead me to a bigger fact that i’ve became an idiot. That was when i started to question why did i even try, or if all of it even worth it in the first place.  I don’t know how i ended up being like that, i maintained my study well and tried what i could to improve, but it’s like just suddenly all i used to be able to do is just taken that easily from me; and the fact that i used to be able to do it frustrates me to no end. The same also applies to all of my other small abilities which i think i used to have, like sports, writing, music or anything. It feels like all of my worth is just taken away from me. Another dead end

Everything just fell from there. I couldn’t feel happy like i used to be. I couldn’t fully enjoy what made me happy. I lost my ability to work hard. I lost my motivation to even try or even get up from my bed. Eventually leads to the last layer, when i just feel like not existing in this world

What’s left is an ugly, untalented, socially-awkward human which really has no worth for this world except for wasting space, money and oxygen. it does sound like an exaggeration, but i really feel it.

I live a normal life, i have a family who check on me often. But everytime i try to talk to them, it just tires me in the end. Because no one understands, even if they probably care and want to, they just don’t understand. I tried to explain, thousand times about how empty i feel and how i don’t think life is worth it at all. But they don’t understand and it frustrates me even more. I stopped expecting they would understand me, and eventually just feel too tired to explain in for the 99999 times.

In the end, they’ll always ask me, “Then, what are you going to do? What would help you?”

I don’t know.

I don’t even know how i ended up like this, or what i want to do from now on. I don’t know what i’m supposed to do, don’t ask me. If i know i wouldn’t be suffering this much. I don’t know what am i going to do with my life from now on, i’ve lost my will to do anything, i’ve forgotten how it feels to have a dream or future ideals. It felt so far in the past, i’ve walked too far– and a wrong path it is.

All the fail and bad things happen in the past has made me stop thinking in positive way. Whenever choices that come my way, i can’t help but thinking that it will give awful results in the end. If i choose A, i will fail. If i choose B, i will fail too. That’s what anxiety always whispers to me. Eventually i just can’t decide anything, including which direction i want my life to take. I become unable to decide anything. I live in fear of everything, because i’ve been failing for so long, because i’ve lived with bad luck for so long, because i’ve lived with no results for so long. It’s another dead end.

I want to disappear, because i don’t think my life is worth the fight; because i think it won’t make difference if i do; because i just don’t feel like living; because i hate living, i hate the world, i hate working hard, i hate people, but above all i hate myself.

It’s not as dramatic as ‘I want to kill myself’ or ‘I want to commit suicide’.

It’s just that i want to disappear completely from this world without trace–as if i was never here in the first place. I don’t wish for death, i just simply don’t wish to live. I don’t need the dramatic death or anything, just my existence  being erased from this world. If i could just sleep and not waking up again, i would accept that too. As long as i don’t have to live.

I don’t even know how i feel myself. I don’t think this post do justice in describing what i feel either.

Wherever i go, it’s always going to a dead-end

And no, don’t tell me to “Just get over it” because if i could i would’ve done that since long ago. I’m not at this condition because i want to. If i could simply get over it, i would’ve done it long ago before i fell this deep.

I can’t do anything about everything, and it frustrates me–the stress is eating me.