I’m 21 and have been in
deep depression/isolation for the last 3 years. I used to be a pretty normal teen ok grades and good socially and I was always happy and unknow of What the other side of happiness was.
Dont get me wrong my childhood wasnt perfect far from it, I was born and raised until 15 in Africa and there parents are a bit more rigid when it comes to educating children so getting beat Up until my face becomes unrecognisable because I said something on a dinner or didnt Get good enough grades was commun.
But getting back to track, at the end of 10th grade I met this girl, we met trough Facebook and kept talking and talking until we started dating. She lived 1:30 hours of bus away from me so we would only see each other once every month sometimes not0 even. Don’t want to Get into too much detail but we had a lot of problems and stuff we went trough and was really hard to keep together. After two years I had the 12th grade national exams, I was a litle too careless on the 11th grade and left a class pending ending Up on me having to do 4 exams isntead of the normal 2 exams of the 12th grade. I failed two of the exams and it was a pretty rough time to go trough, and then around one month later she broke Up with me. I had never felt What depression was before it and never really understood People who had it because I was always happy and positive about things. We stopped talking for more than one month I had no sign of her. Then the new school year was starting and at that time I still had some hope on me so I did What was expected and went to a school near my house to study there for the exams I had failed so I could repeat them next year. Same day after leaving the school after a month without saying a Word she calls me and says she wants to Get back together and I should go to her City to study there.
I was so happy because I still loved her and studying at her school would be the same as at this school anyway. I would have to work tho because my mom was against it and wouldnt support me finnacially but I was pretty open minded about it and was ready to do it, I wanted to do it. At that time my parents were at Africa and I was here (Europe) with my litle brother and two older siblings who both worked already. Since my siblings worked I was the only one who could take care of my litle brother so I wasnt able to go study at her City and then she broke Up with me again and this time was for real. I was devastated had never been trough a brake Up of a long term relation and a brake Up where I still was in love. Year pass and I spent all day long siting on my room doing nothing productive. Started getting fat and stopped gym. Then my mom came back and took my litle brother to Africa. At this point I had the freedom to do what I want which I think I always had but I felt opressed in The mind. I started working on a market and stayed there for a year, for all this time I always had the “you have to go do the exams” repeating on my head but I could’nt find the will to do it and always had some excuse are they excuses?
A month ago I asked to be let go of the company because I wasnt feeling good doing What I was doing and now Im here. I feel worthless and as if I don’t/can’t belong here anymore.
I’m afraid of comiting suicide because even tho I gave Up I know the inner me has not and hes still fighting to Get me out of this. I always think “What if…” What if u made the change and kept living happely? What if…
I’m 21 and have been in