I had such high hopes for the future. I would do well in middle school, I would talk to my brother about high school. I was going to take as many APs as I could. I was going to apply to Ivy League schools. I didn’t want to be normal, yet normal is what I am. I don’t want to be jealous, but sometimes I look at the girls who seem like they have everything. They’re pretty, they’re smart, they’re athletic. It doesn’t even help that they have a great personality and I’m friends with them.
Lately I’ve been thinking about suicide every day. I don’t even mean to. I just can’t handle it anymore. I can’t imagine going through sophmore year. I can’t imagine going to homecoming. I can’t see myself happy in the future. I just can’t.
Is there something wrong with me? My mom tells me that it’s just a stage. My best friend tells me that I’m nothing special, that she and a billion other kids go through the same thing everyday. My dad won’t even talk to me anymore and I don’t know why.
I even signed up for online therapy, but they said that it wasn’t for me and told me to look somewhere else. Is it because I’m young? Are my feelings not enough? Is it really just a stage? Why won’t this feeling go away?
2 comments
I feel like I’m looking back on a post I wrote a couple years ago. The first year or two of high school is truly difficult. When you enter the pond as a tiny fish, you seem to lose what makes you stand out. It makes you feel average, mediocre, and worthless. I, too, contemplated suicide and was close to pulling the trigger on multiple occasions. Yet I am writing to you, in my senior year, with high hopes and excitement about what the future holds.
In a way, it is a stage. High school will be one of the most difficult times of your young adult life. However, it hits some people harder than others. It always seems to hit the brightest people with a earth-shattering force that throws them down into the darkest abyss. But the truth is, there is a bottom. And at that bottom, you will build the foundation of the rest of your life. You will figure out what you want to do, where you want to go, and who you want to become. And you will prosper.
Don’t give up on yourself. Hang in there and keep your head up. You will be happy in the future. It will just take some time. If you need anything, you can email me at reason0823sp at gmail dot com. I can direct you to some sites that helped me out a lot full of amazing volunteers who truly care. We are all here for you.
Fight off your demons.
Thank you. It’s just that I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about this because of all the pressure that’s put on me. And I thought that I was overreacting, but your words really touch my heart. Thank you.