jmc22

numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb

things were getting better thought and now it’s been degrading again. is this all to life? just false hopes and worsening conditions. life is so shitty. this time is so shitty.

I wish I could live in my fantasies, my own stories in my head where I’m the main character. No sadness, no unhappiness. All i want is a pause to this life so I can restart on a new domain.

I know that being unhappy with you life can be common, but I’m just so tired of everything. I want everything to pause. Even just waking up and going to bed have become tiring and pointless. It’s just another step on repeat. Does it get any better? School, family, they just seem to take away my happiness. Is there any way I can be happier and satisfied eith my life? I’m so tired.

I was just sitting at home with my mom when my dad comes downstairs. She glared at him like she did everyday, and he tried to hurry getting food so he could go away from my mom. He was headed upstairs when my mom says, “How could he not even make food for his daughter while he makes some for himself.” SHE KNEW I WASN’T HUNGRY! I told her so many times before he even came down that I wasn’t hungry and that I would get food if I was. She just tries to pick him for his faults. She does this every time, and […]

I went on hike yesterday, it was almost 10 miles long. It was for Pe. If I didn’t go I’d have to write a four page essay on how exercise improves the brain’s function. The hike was horrible, as I’m not physically fit, but I made a mistake like every other day.

I was fooling around with my friends. I didn’t think anything bad would happen. I fell flat on my face, right as everyone was lining up and gathering for attendance. I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I did that. My knee was all scraped and it’s swollen today. I can’t bend or straighten my […]

I guess that I got the impression that depression was a 24/7 thing. I thought that it would be a dull pain always there. I guess I didn’t get the memo. Every day is good. Every day is fine. Then I feel my insides twisting and turning. I feel my heart clenching. My mind goes to rock bottom and my image in the mirror becomes uglier and more hateful by the second. Waves upon waves of this sadness come and go. My life is like the ocean. One minute is the calm, the sun is shining, birds are flying, and the world is happy. Then the […]

Is there something wrong with me? Because I just can’t seem to cry. Even when I’m at my worst. My heart is being wrenched, my insides are turning, and I even feel the strain on my eyes to cry, but I can’t. My eyes feel as dry as a desert.

I know that going back in time is near impossible and there’s all the quotes about looking forward and forgetting the past, but it’s so hard when the past was so much better.

I don’t know if it’s 2016 that’s getting to me, my depression, or if the world is just sucking. High school sucks, everyone is divorcing, my favorite member of my tv show is leaving without thoughts of coming back or talking to the cast regularly again, I’m doubting my friends, and my family has been worse than ever.

I’m probably just being a teenager and being overdramatic, but […]

I had such high hopes for the future. I would do well in middle school, I would talk to my brother about high school. I was going to take as many APs as I could. I was going to apply to Ivy League schools. I didn’t want to be normal, yet normal is what I am. I don’t want to be jealous, but sometimes I look at the girls who seem like they have everything. They’re pretty, they’re smart, they’re athletic. It doesn’t even help that they have a great personality and I’m friends with them.

Lately I’ve been thinking about suicide every day. I don’t […]

Honesty is the best policy. That’s what you’ve been told since you were young. Honesty will lead you through anything. But these are all lies. Because what we live in is not a kind world. It is a cruel and taunting one.

When depression is brought up, what’s the first thing people say to do? Talk to someone. But how? How do you bring on such a harsh topic, when you know that the result will be just as harsh?

How do I tell you? You who will one up me. You who will not understand. You who is supposed to be my best friend yet I […]

I went to the doctors the other day. Did you know that they screen teenagers for depression and anxiety? They have a list of questions on a computer that you answer: not at all, sometimes, or all the time. But the thing is that I felt relieved. Relieved that someone might notice how I feel, Yet somehow I knew that I would hesitate on some questions and not answer honestly. I know that I would try and make it better than it was.

My doctor wasn’t the best at talking. She wasn’t calm or charismatic, she didn’t get my feelings out, and I hated listening to her. […]

In August I’ll be starting high school. I’m not sure I want to though. All I think about is getting lost, making  a fool of myself, strangers I’ll have to talk to and tell myself they’re not talking about me. I think about the stress, the exams, homework, pressure, and I want to stay home. Even before all of this nonsense, I though about saying goodbye to this life. High school is just another reason for me, I guess. Sure people change in high school, and gain friends, become prettier, smarter. But what about the ones who become sadder, who realize life isn’t fair. What’s […]