jmc22

numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb

things were getting better thought and now it’s been degrading again. is this all to life? just false hopes and worsening conditions. life is so shitty. this time is so shitty.

I wish I could live in my fantasies, my own stories in my head where I’m the main character. No sadness, no unhappiness. All i want is a pause to this life so I can restart on a new domain.

I know that being unhappy with you life can be common, but I’m just so tired of everything. I want everything to pause. Even just waking up and going to bed have become tiring and pointless. It’s just another step on repeat. Does it get any better? School, family, they just seem to take away my happiness. Is there any way I can be happier and satisfied eith my life? I’m so tired.

I was just sitting at home with my mom when my dad comes downstairs. She glared at him like she did everyday, and he tried to hurry getting food so he could go away from my mom. He was headed upstairs when my mom says, “How could he not even make food for his daughter while he makes some for himself.” SHE KNEW I WASN’T HUNGRY! I told her so many times before he even came down that I wasn’t hungry and that I would get food if I was. She just tries to pick him for his faults. She does this every time, and I just try to stay quiet because I don’t want her to get angrier. But this was just so RIDICULOUS! I told her to stop and after my dad went to his room, she turns on me.

How could you do this to your own mother? Why are you and your brother so nasty to me but never your dad? Why don’t you ever call him out for what he never does? Am I supposed to be the only one doing anything in this house? I BET YOU’D LOVE IT IF I JUST DIED?

By this point I’m basically crying, but I don’t to give her the satisfaction of anything so I try not to let any tears fall. I try to respond to her but anytime I say anything, she just yells at me to shut up.

What am I supposed to do? Do I just keep living with her?I have 3 more years until I graduate high school and leave for college. Should I just wait it out? Please. help.

I went on hike yesterday, it was almost 10 miles long. It was for Pe. If I didn’t go I’d have to write a four page essay on how exercise improves the brain’s function. The hike was horrible, as I’m not physically fit, but I made a mistake like every other day.

I was fooling around with my friends. I didn’t think anything bad would happen. I fell flat on my face, right as everyone was lining up and gathering for attendance. I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I did that. My knee was all scraped and it’s swollen today. I can’t bend or straighten my knee too much or it hurt and stings like hell. I’m so stupid. I hope no one remembers it. I hope no one cared.

I guess that I got the impression that depression was a 24/7 thing. I thought that it would be a dull pain always there. I guess I didn’t get the memo. Every day is good. Every day is fine. Then I feel my insides twisting and turning. I feel my heart clenching. My mind goes to rock bottom and my image in the mirror becomes uglier and more hateful by the second. Waves upon waves of this sadness come and go. My life is like the ocean. One minute is the calm, the sun is shining, birds are flying, and the world is happy. Then the storm hits. Everything is flipped left, right, up, down, until I’m drowned in sadness. Fear and anger grip at me for believing that everything was fine. Then, after I walk out of my room, everything is fine again. The storm had passed and I wait for the next day.

Is there something wrong with me? Because I just can’t seem to cry. Even when I’m at my worst. My heart is being wrenched, my insides are turning, and I even feel the strain on my eyes to cry, but I can’t. My eyes feel as dry as a desert.

I know that going back in time is near impossible and there’s all the quotes about looking forward and forgetting the past, but it’s so hard when the past was so much better.

I don’t know if it’s 2016 that’s getting to me, my depression, or if the world is just sucking. High school sucks, everyone is divorcing, my favorite member of my tv show is leaving without thoughts of coming back or talking to the cast regularly again, I’m doubting my friends, and my family has been worse than ever.

I’m probably just being a teenager and being overdramatic, but I feel like everything is falling apart. My chest feels tight, my eyes burn but no tears are coming out, my head is spinning. The past was so much simpler. Less drama, less fights, less stress. Now, I don’t know what to focus on anymore.

I had such high hopes for the future. I would do well in middle school, I would talk to my brother about high school. I was going to take as many APs as I could. I was going to apply to Ivy League schools. I didn’t want to be normal, yet normal is what I am. I don’t want to be jealous, but sometimes I look at the girls who seem like they have everything. They’re pretty, they’re smart, they’re athletic. It doesn’t even help that they have a great personality and I’m friends with them.

Lately I’ve been thinking about suicide every day. I don’t even mean to. I just can’t handle it anymore. I can’t imagine going through sophmore year. I can’t imagine going to homecoming. I can’t see myself happy in the future. I just can’t.

Is there something wrong with me? My mom tells me that it’s just a stage. My best friend tells me that I’m nothing special, that she and a billion other kids go through the same thing everyday. My dad won’t even talk to me anymore and I don’t know why.

I even signed up for online therapy, but they said that it wasn’t for me and told me to look somewhere else. Is it because I’m young? Are my feelings not enough? Is it really just a stage? Why won’t this feeling go away?

Honesty is the best policy. That’s what you’ve been told since you were young. Honesty will lead you through anything. But these are all lies. Because what we live in is not a kind world. It is a cruel and taunting one.

When depression is brought up, what’s the first thing people say to do? Talk to someone. But how? How do you bring on such a harsh topic, when you know that the result will be just as harsh?

How do I tell you? You who will one up me. You who will not understand. You who is supposed to be my best friend yet I do not trust completely. This is honestly like a game. When I say this you say that. When I say I feel depressed, so do you. When I say I want to hurt myself, you say you already have, but have no scars. When I say my parents are fighting, you say your parents are getting divorced. When I say I want to see a therapist, you say your mom is taking you to one. When I say I feel like eating less, you say had anorexia for a little bit. I guess this is what they mean when somebody always has it worse than you. Except that somebody is you, who should be supportive. Are you telling me the truth? Should I trust you? Are you purposefully doing this to me? Are you telling your other friends of my miseries?

How am I supposed to tell you? You who haunt me in and out of school. How do I tell you? You who has many friends and family to go to. How do I tell you? You who is my personal demon. One that is real. One that is human….One that has found me. How?

I went to the doctors the other day. Did you know that they screen teenagers for depression and anxiety? They have a list of questions on a computer that you answer: not at all, sometimes, or all the time. But the thing is that I felt relieved. Relieved that someone might notice how I feel, Yet somehow I knew that I would hesitate on some questions and not answer honestly. I know that I would try and make it better than it was.

My doctor wasn’t the best at talking. She wasn’t calm or charismatic, she didn’t get my feelings out, and I hated listening to her. She starts to ramble on about how my body is changing. Hormones and chemicals being under and over produced seemed to be her favorite phrase. If I told her I felt stressed, chemicals in my brain were unbalanced. If I felt sad, unbalanced. I was sick and tired of it.

Then she asked if I told anyone I felt this way. I said no. I don’t want to burden anyone, especially my parents since they already have their own issues. The next words she says has me groaning and my heart stop at the same time. “Let me talk to your mom about this. We’ll see if she can take you to a psychologist.” Now I know this doesn’t seem bad. And honestly it isn’t. But I’d rather tell my mom than have a stranger tell her for me. I also know my mom. She wouldn’t care. Whenever I brought up the topic she brushes me off saying that it was something that people need to get over in life. If depression and anxiety and wanting to die was normal to her, what else could I say. “Everyone feels this way, you aren’t special. Get over it and grow up. People just overreact.” Oh really. Being scared of people and messing up so much that you can have panic attacks is overreacting? Wanting to die and hurt myself is overreacting? Not telling anyone because they’re insensitive and not supportive is overreacting? Because the reason I don’t tell you my feelings is because I don’t want to seem like a drama queen. I don’t want to be weak. Yet you sit there before me, telling me all of these things.

I felt relieved that my mom might be concerned for me. But as soon as we left the building I turned to her and said, “The doctor was just overreacting. You don’t need to take me to therapy” She just nodded and we went home. No questions asked.

What am I supposed to expect? When all I do is reject any chance at help. I don’t talk to people, I don’t mention anything, I deny and hide my feelings. So why should I expect help? Why do I hope for people to notice and ask if I’m fine? After all, I’m close. Close to bubbling over and exploding. Close to help and freedom.

But not close enough.

In August I’ll be starting high school. I’m not sure I want to though. All I think about is getting lost, making  a fool of myself, strangers I’ll have to talk to and tell myself they’re not talking about me. I think about the stress, the exams, homework, pressure, and I want to stay home. Even before all of this nonsense, I though about saying goodbye to this life. High school is just another reason for me, I guess. Sure people change in high school, and gain friends, become prettier, smarter. But what about the ones who become sadder, who realize life isn’t fair. What’s so good about high school anyway? I start having panic attacks and my anxiety kicks in when I think about how much I’ll have to endure in high school, then I’ll have to go through college. Will I even make it to college? I want to go to a private school. I want people to acknowledge me. I’m scared to die without leaving an impact on people. That people won’t remember me. But there’s nothing special about me. I’m literally the definition of normal. What will I do?