Don’t know what’s going on. Everything outside seems to be perfectly fine. Got people to stay with and have fun, a nice room next to the university, finished my first year. But I’m just falling apart. Feels like Death is coming to me and I’m knocking on heaven’s door. Just realize if things go real bad, nobody’s there and all I got is the “be positive”, ” be better” “be something else” speech. But I just can’t and the pain of my bad memories and thoughts, completely paralises me, make each single one of my muscles burns. My head is a cathedral and the only resonating words are ” Why don’t you kill youself? Why do go on with suffering?” I did hurt myself pretty bad, finishing two times in hospital but this is nothing comparing to what a part of me want’s to do. Beacuse I know this won’t be a suicide attempt. This would be death. And I’m stuck, because I don’t want to end in a fucking hospital so I can’t tell my psychiatrist. I’m trying to resonate myself but each second it becomes harder and harder. I just have no idea of what I should do. Or if there is still something left for me to do.
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I am sorry to hear that.
I know this feeling very well, the feelings telling me to do it. I even wrote “kill yourself” and “you should consider suicide :)” on my board to express my feelings, kinda worked, as a reminder, so I don’t have to think feel these dark things anymore, but still…
I too, have a great life, family, friends, hobbies, but as for my, one thing that makes me feel empty and makes me realize is this, having no other options left to cease the pain…
Maybe love would fix it, maybe a good meal for once, telling a friend how much you appreciate them, so many things.
But our vision got blurry, we told ourselves how much we are worthless. But in the end, even if you are what others see…or want to see, you are “you”, you have done things in your life which have you lead here, and the very moment you think about it you will realize your worth.
And this has lead you to this dire situation, because your past actions weren’t “good experiences” and this created a loop which unbalanced your self worth and coping mechanism.
The more you keep thinking this way, the harder it will get to make things right again because you will always remember what you done and who you were.
Don’t make the same mistake as me, be strong…don’t worry about me, I was ever a lost cause, but make a difference in yourself, don’t let death be the only viable option, ever.
Thanks. I ‘m not sure to understand everything you said ( about the vision bluried part) but maybe that’s because English is not my mother language. It is weird to feel good about someone who kind of understand my situation, because I wish that to nobody but, yeah, it is the most comforting thing that someone told me for a longtime. I dont think however love could fix it, my pathetic love experiences are not something I want to go through again. The hardest thing is to realize I don’t really live for myself, I have no passion, no desire I only live as I was told and out of guilt of making my family suffer if I happen to die… To feel hopeless and having no ambition. Somehow I know it is gonna improve because it already did even if I didn’t believe it but stll it is so hard. I wish you’ll be alright as I’ll try to be. Thanks for you anwer .
When this happens to me I call it my black and white mode. There’s no longer color in my life and there’s no success, hobby, activity, or anything that can bring the color back. Even if life on the outside is going great (like getting straight A’s, plenty of money for my needs, family I am still on talking terms with), none of it matters because I can’t feel happy or feel joy, only sorrow and depression.
It sucks that anyone that we can talk to about these thoughts are limited to this website where the cops can’t be called and no judgement happens. The people in our lives misunderstand what needs to be done by either overreacting or underreacting. There’s no middle ground when it comes to suicidal thoughts. You get brushed off or committed when what you really need is someone to just be there emotionally and cry with you. Nothing more or less.
That s very true. Whether people don’t believe you or they look at you as if you are totally psycho and start to fear you die, say “I ll be here” when even I know they won’t and they ” oh my God she is suicidal ” face make me regret to tell them about that. I think if people want to make our lives better all they need would be a bit of understanding, giving us the love we don’t have for ourselves and let us go our rythm, our way. Helping us and let us be and not putting us in a loony bin because it is the easiest way to deal with us. But won’t happen, that’s way as you said it is nicer to talk here
I don’t know what it is but something about you is extraordinary, ur post sounds alot like me i know what you’re going through it’s a horrible feeling. What “bad memories.” are ur referring to? Is there something making u not want to go on living?
I know those paralyzing thoughts all too well. The world is so oversaturated with emotions (of me and everyone else around me) that my mind is constantly at its maximum capacity so that as soon as anything even slightly stresses me out beyond what I have barely learned to handle, my vision blurs and goes white, and my ears just ring and ring. Then I just try to keep myself composed enough on the outside (if I am out in public), find a place to sit down, and wait until my thoughts clear a little bit so that I can walk again. That happens way too often these days. At least it mostly happens when I am alone, so that way I can just lay on the floor clutching my head, without worrying about how it looks.
My bad memories. Well I had a weird childhood, my father did, then my mother ex boyfriend did bad things to me, and when he left he made me promise I won’t say anything. Only I realised what happened to me s few years ago and it is hard dealing with this