Nothing

It was always a psychological problem. I was unnecessarily trying to make it philosophical. My mind, it was way stronger enemy than I thought. Though I still could’ve won earlier. I sometimes think I was this close. But perhaps I was always as far as I am now.

What is the state of the outside things? It’s Diwali. I am going to another city on 2 Nov. New job, new life. First time I will live separately from family, although I’m nearly 25. Time runs slowly in the east.

What, what, what is it? Just come out and show yourself. I was always wrong. Couldn’t figure anything out right. Life, this grand, beastly life kept taking its natural course and I, I thought I was incharge and can change my life by rational thoughts.

I feel defeated. I feel as though nothing is left in me. Everyday people die like cats and dogs (only using the phrase, not trying to reduce value of these animals), from most amusing to most serious reasons. A life… so easily taken away. What’s mine? Take it away, there’s nothing anyway.

These are my idle thoughts. But I become prudent when I go out in the world and interact with others. How does this change happen? My life is one big delusion.

I still have not written for which I began. I am writing forcibly, hoping that in one of these paras what I set out to write will come out. But it’s not coming. And I’m feeling very frustrated because of that. It’s always like this now. I have tons of draft posts pending like this.