I spend most of each day wanting. And thinking that if only I could get what I want, then everything would be ok. Trying to figure out some way through to it. But even if I somehow magically got what I want, I can’t see how I’d be able to enjoy it. Happiness, contentment, peace, love – it’s all just ideas to me at this point. I don’t know if they’re real for anyone, let alone someone as fucked up as me.
I’m a failure in every conceivable metric you could measure by – morally, socially, economically . I have done nothing of significant value in my 29 years on this planet. I’m so far behind my contemporaries in terms of personal development that I can’t see any way to catch up, even if I wasn’t inhibited by crippling anxiety. In addition to which, I’ve done terrible things, and become terrible things. So there’s no way to open up to anyone without rejection.
And life is hard, and only set to get harder. I’m tired most of the time. Plagued by minor health issues. There has to be a point where it’s not worth going on. When you accept that your dreams can’t fit with reality, and that it’s more sensible to just let it all end. Rather than feebly struggling on for the sake of a vague idea that makes no rational sense. But I’m so addicted to the idea of a better life that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give it up.
1 comment
You have no idea just how much what you wrote here, as well as in some of your previous posts, resonates with me. The way that you phrased things in this post, as well as your other ones titles “Unforgiven” and “Wallowing in self-pity?”, really sounds like we might be very similar in what is driving us to where we are at psychologically now. For me, I also know that what I am is completely unforgivable, particularly if it were to ever materialize into something other than completely within my own mind. To form the type of connection that I desperately want with someone, the same yearning for love that everyone else feels, is an abhorrent idea to me and everyone else in society. Everyone (mostly) wants that type of love, but for me, I can never actually do anything to experience it without almost certainly hurting someone in the process. This condemns me to be forever alone. I my have been able to attain a good education, save some money, and return to an even better school, it is all meaningless to me unless I can have the connection that I want but know that I can never have without hurting the very person that I want nothing more than to bring happiness to. This means that the most logical solution, the one that hurts the fewest number of people and in the smallest possible quantity of pain, would be to go before I do anything wrong. Two songs that I recently discovered that are pretty much all-encompassing for me are both by Bright Eyes (“No Lies, Just Love” and “Waste of Paint”). On Melancholy Hill is pretty great as well. Sorry for the long post, but I wanted to let you know that there is someone on here who probably won’t judge your specific trait that you hate so much about yourself (as the way that you describe it, we may indeed be the same way). If you would ever like to talk, though I am not likely the person to talk you into staying since I am strongly considering the alternative myself, please email me at sacrificial_shaun @ yahoo.com (delete the spaces).