I can’t do this anymore, every day it gets worse my anxiety, depression , sleep, my overall state of mind.
I have no real support, but in my situation support is irrelevant so it doesn’t even matter.
I’m the only one that can help myself, I either go out or I don’t and I haven’t been doing the things I need to do to succeed and I’m starting to go back to old habits that keep me stagnant…
I fucking hate not having any motivation, every fucking second I’m reminded of the trouble I’m causing for myself and my family. I feel so sick of myself, I keep screaming at myself to just do what you said you would and grow up.
I don’t want to live, I think about suicide 24/7 even though I can’t let myself do that, my morals are higher than my own life.
Even when I accomplish something there is no satisfaction, the only reason I’m doing any of this is because my only other choice is to let my family down or blow my brains out.
There’s nothing left of me, panic attacks daily, constant self-disgust, and almost a constant state of stagnation.
I thought after I got out of the residential maybe I’d get over my issues, but they just got worse over time. It’s been 2 years since I got out and nothing has changed.
Sure I have an internship, and I’m trying to get my GED- but all of these things keep making me worse and worse.
I hate being so cerebral of myself, I hate knowing I’m the reason I can’t move forward, I want to be ignorant and blame all my faults on the world around me but I’m not fucking stupid.
Although I’m making stupid decisions I know I’m the cause.
It’s true being only 19 I still have a shot at succeeding , but it has been fucking years with no change.
I’m still broken, useless, and a disappointment not only to those around me but to myself as well.
I’ve kicked the alcohol, weed, cigs, I’ve tried being healthier.
I gave medication a shot again but It made things worse like before so I got off that as well.
I keep going in circles always fucking up mid way I hate it I don’t know how to stop it.
I feel like I’m not in control anymore, that I’m just a puppet to my emotions, that I let overrun me.
I know none of you are gonna have the answers, that’s why you’re here, that’s why we’re here.
The only thing I can do is put my thoughts down here just so I feel like I exist.
Why do we let ourselves get this far gone.
How did I let this happen.
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5 comments
My guess that the reason you let it happen was because you didn’t know it was happening. If that makes any sense. Or you didn’t have the coping skills needed that other people had and you didn’t know how to fill what was missing. Good for you to go after your GED. Don’t give up. An internship is a good thing! 🙂 I hope you are able to “find your bearings” as they say in this mess of life. Good for you to quit cigs and weed. You really don’t need them.
Thank you, that my be a possibility as well.
Hi Dungeon. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. I can relate to a lot of the pain you’re experiencing and I understand how tough it can be. It’s not your fault you’re in this situation and it sounds like you’re doing your best to keep going despite all the pain which is admirable.
I encourage you to continue to pursue your GED. I received mine a few months back and it was great to finally get it out of the way.
Take care and I do hope you’ll be able to find relief from all the stress.
Hey hioh. Thank you for your encouragement . I’m not on here a lot anymore but I remember feeling the same about your posts. Late congrats on your GED and best wishes to you too.
I could have written your letter myself .I was reading it and was thinking I just wrote that .. Though school days are long gone for me .It feels like AGE and TIME mean nothing . The struggles I’m reading here come from Girls /boys /Women and Men of all ages – 15 to 50 –OR older .. I was (still are ) Smoking heaps of POT and getting Drunk every day and it seamed that every time I got smashed I’d be alone and a crying mess .. Thing was I got so depressed I didn’t even have a bong for a day or two and my crying monkey brain got sharp – (I’m not the smartest bloke in the world though).. I got straight enough to Put my plans into action . Shit plans – Non the less I followed through .. Still here with you guys waiting for someone to spell out a sure fire way to end it . I too tried all the fancy new age ANTI-DEPRESSANTS — For me it was nothing but handing over money to Doctors and drug companies . They just fucked my life up more . Destroyed my relationships with friends and family to the point of being alone and looking for answers to questions That I know I’ll never get . And that hurts the most .. Ya se all the adds about reaching out to people in need — About getting help — Hug a friend – ASK -R U OK .. The list goes on and on I’m sure .. WHAT CRAP – ALL of my family and friends dumped me like a hot potato .. All I got left is talking to invisible people on this page .. It is a comfort to me to know that were all in this together but at the same time I’m sad as fuck to know that some of you guys / girls are feeling the same shit as myself – If only the real world REALLY gave a fuck – We might just need a hug and someone to hold ya hand for a month or two .. Problem is when ya damaged it’s hard to find even a family member that wants to talk to ya .. In my case I feel people are too busy working on getting that new car or pool to even notice I’m screaming out for help .. Or they noticed and it’s easier to let me go down alone .. Either or – I know people have there own lives and helping others is a burden to SOME .. I wish I had the answers but I don’t . I guess I’m just waiting for someone to solve my problems for me ..Find an answer to all the un-answered .. I truly hope you people find what you looking for . I’ll keep looking for a while as long as I breath air …