Dungeon

today has been awful
everything that I’ve tried to forget has come back and I can’t turn it off
I’ve haven’t felt like this since the last time
I can’t stand this I just want to be normal
I don’t want to feel like this anymore
I feel so fucking scared
I just want the thoughts to go away
I’m struggling so bad

I wish I could turn off my thoughts
I just want to sleep
I don’t want to be a burden
I don’t want to be awful anymore
I wish I could cope

all my emotions have been bottled up tight for so long
even if it’s just a sentence atleast I got it out of me

I’ve been alive for too long
I should’ve died the first time

I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die
I want to gut myself I want to choke the life out of myself I want to drown myself I want to drop and splatter I want I want to die I want to die I want to die

I think Ive met my limit. There’s nothing in me left that even remotely wants anything to do with living. Everything feels truly empty or meaningless. I feel like I’m living my last days, I don’t really know how to explain it well but that’s the best I can do to put in words. It’s a weird sluggish feeling but time seems to be moving faster then I can keep up with. I really want to get away from all of this, and of course there’s only one solution. What a weird experience it is being human.

I can’t do this anymore

this is exhausting
what am i supposed to do
honestly i feel closer than i have ever been , yet i feel like ive said that many times before
i feel extremely guilty about even acknowledging that but at the the same time time i feel a moment of relief in the thought
honestly I don’t know what im going to do, ive lost all progress.
the only thing holding me back is the fear of hurting my parents by going through with it, its also all that i have left
but at the same time the weight just gets heavier by every moment
I don’t know how to deal with my emotions, it hurts without pain
I don’t understand this, i never have, but now i feel like im even further from an answer than ever before
and yet i don’t want answers, opinions, a happy ending or a gratifying life
i just want relief
I personally don’t want to die, if I could have it any way I’d choose to never have existed in the first place
but that’s obviously just a dream
I’m so lost and i don’t understand what decisions im supposed to make
nothing makes sense, it never has but now that im 21 and im watching my peers, friends, family members move on with their lives
i feel this pressure/anxiety, like i need to make a choice before im forced to give in
that’s not what i want either, if i choose that route I want it to be a peaceful passing
maybe that’s just me trying to justify it
maybe its because i don’t know what peace feels like anymore
i don’t want anything anymore
i have nothing in me
im so tired

I’m tired of making excuses
I don’t have the talent, motivation, or passion to succeed
I have to play the fucking clown around my friends so they don’t think I’m constantly depressed and suicidal.
“Yeah I was really bad a couple years ago but ya know I’ve gotten a lot better and those things don’t bother me any more haha”
That sort of shit and add acting like I’m carefree and absolutely unaware of reality.
Everyone thinks I’m just spacy and honestly stupid. I guess they’re not wrong but they definitely don’t know why they’re right.
To be fair they couldn’t care less about that either, honestly I don’t mind that though. I’m in a weird world where I’m preparing to let go of my life but also horrified of the circumstances that allow me to get there.
Alot of my posts repeat this but I want to die whole heartedly. But I can’t be that selfish to my parents, that makes me feel sicker than anything.
God I want to leave this so fucking much, I wanna just rip my veins out of my fucking skin. I have no hope. I have nothing to look forward to. The worst part is the knowledge of everything I’ve taken/taking for granted. I understand I’m still lucky , that I could be in an actual dire situation.
But if you can’t be happy, and can’t find success what’s the point.
If your goals turn into something of a fairy tale due to your own short comings with no ability to change them, what are you supposed to do.
Just pretend like it’s better than an early grave.
To me it’s not. The anxiety of failing everyone you’ve ever cared about, the realization those people couldn’t care less about you, constantly hiding your thoughts because its just a burden to others, knowing the only thing in your future is to watch family members die before you can make them proud. I’m fucking horrified of living, I don’t want this.
I just wanna go away. Why did this happen, why could’nt I just be like everyone else. I’m fucking awful.

Fuck
You

Honestly I just wanna see how far I can fuck up my life
I’m not trying to go against my morals
But a little bit of stress to get away from myself should feel ok
So I’m going to keep with the k’s and bars blow etc
Stay with the people I know will be a problem to my self and my future. I’m going to have “fun” and hopefully I’ll die from all this stupid shit without going out of my way.
Everything I say is like a contradiction but that’s how all my emotions feel. I’m awful, using people’s interest in me just so I can get fucked up and not remember any of it the next day. But I really just want to forget I’m here.

im not doing well
i just want this to end
sometimes its simple

I guess I haven’t changed.
I say this a a lot, maybe since it keeps ringing in my head.
Although I am different then how I was when I first spiraled down this hole, I just can’t stop feeling this way.
I don’t want to sound like a broken record
But that seems to be a prominent symptom of being this way.
Who am I even talking to, who would I even tell.
I can’t tell my friends they’d think I’m being selfish and just tell me to get over it. I would never tell my family as that would just make them worry even more. I can’t talk to anyone and I just end up swallowing all this rage I have towards myself. I don’t want to be pitied or sympathised with, I just want someone/anyone to know what I really feel. I just want to be honest for once. I’m constantly lying about how I feel, pretending like I’m not at my worst state. I want my body to fly off a bridge, I want to crash into the water and the story to end there. I want to feel alive before I die, even if it’s only for a second. I want my life back. But I guess that’s too much to ask for. I guess sleep is my only hope.

Nothing , no one, alone, anhedonic, liar, pretender, asleep, insomniac, painful, tired, empty, silent, complainer, stagnant.
Is this really all I know about myself
Probably
I wouldn’t know
It fucking hurts
Yet
I
Feel
Nothing
I don’t like being by myself like this
But it’s better if I keep to myself
I’m just a burden
To myself
And quietly to everyone else.
All my problems don’t seem to matter when I only care about
Going
To
Sleep
So please let me
Please.
I know you hate me
But we should keep trying
It would be better if we just
Slept
I really don’t like being by myself.
He says the things I already know.
I don’t want to know.
Let
Me
Go

It’s 5 am again
Why does it always have to be 5 am
why can’t I just feel normal
Why do I have to die
Why can’t I just find whatever the fuck I’m looking for
I feel absolutely nothing
Im not sad
I’m not anxious
I’m not sleepy
I’m not awake
Just fucking nothing
It’s just swirling
Constantly turning inside and out
Emptiness
Anhedonia is all I remember at this point
No satisfaction
Only apathetic disappoinment
I’m so tired
I just want the world to stop looking at me
I want it to stop trying to persuade me to giving in
I want to be able to know what it feels like to look forward to something
I want to stop falling in love with my own death
It actually feels like suicide is a logical decision even though I know it’s neither logical or illogical
Nothing feels right, I feel like everything isn’t real
Even though my perception of reality isn’t blurred
I don’t understand
But I do at the same time
As if I have the answers to all my questions but I refuse to say them.
I don’t care if I’m sad,happy,angry, anything
Just make it stop, I want to feel like I exist
But it’s almost as if the world only wants me to be my own observer, until I finally say goodbye
Going to work, going to school, trying to move forward- even though they’re my actions I feel as if I’m not part of them
I don’t want to be a ghost anymore
Hiding in a body of lies
I just want to be me
Like those people who smile with truth
But I know I can’t, unless I believe the lies I tell my self.
But I don’t even know which “self” I am
But in the end all these words could be said with one sentence, a single phrase which makes all I feel irrelevant, something that shows the world and it’s smiles that I’m a failure as a human.
I want to die.

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I just want to give up
Im doing this for no reason
I dont want to die anymore
I dont want to live anymore
just let me have nice dreams
and sleep
god im so tiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtired