Dungeon

I don’t want to pretend anymore

I’ve been alive for too long
I should’ve died the first time

The worst feeling I have
Is the knowledge that my life means nothing to me
And that it will lead to nothing
I will die with nothing
Like I never existed in the first place
And yet that is the only thought that can settle my uneasyness.
But even with those feelings I have to pretend like that knowledge doesn’t exist.
I have to act like I haven’t pre judged my own life
As if I feel alive and believe it
As if I had goals, passion, motivation
But all I really have is nothing
Only these thoughts that will dissapear and never be heard
To have never mattered

I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die
I want to gut myself I want to choke the life out of myself I want to drown myself I want to drop and splatter I want I want to die I want to die I want to die

I think Ive met my limit. There’s nothing in me left that even remotely wants anything to do with living. Everything feels truly empty or meaningless. I feel like I’m living my last days, I don’t really know how to explain it well but that’s the best I can do to put in words. It’s a weird sluggish feeling but time seems to be moving faster then I can keep up with. I really want to get away from all of this, and of course there’s only one solution. What a weird experience it is being human.

I can’t do this anymore

this is exhausting
what am i supposed to do
honestly i feel closer than i have ever been , yet i feel like ive said that many times before
i feel extremely guilty about even acknowledging that but at the the same time time i feel a moment of relief in the thought
honestly I don’t know what im going to do, ive lost all progress.
the only thing holding me back is the fear of hurting my parents by going through with it, its also all that i have left
but at the same time the weight just gets heavier by every moment
I don’t know how to deal with my emotions, it hurts without pain
I don’t understand this, i never have, but now i feel like im even further from an answer than ever before
and yet i don’t want answers, opinions, a happy ending or a gratifying life
i just want relief
I personally don’t want to die, if I could have it any way I’d choose to never have existed in the first place
but that’s obviously just a dream
I’m so lost and i don’t understand what decisions im supposed to make
nothing makes sense, it never has but now that im 21 and im watching my peers, friends, family members move on with their lives
i feel this pressure/anxiety, like i need to make a choice before im forced to give in
that’s not what i want either, if i choose that route I want it to be a peaceful passing
maybe that’s just me trying to justify it
maybe its because i don’t know what peace feels like anymore
i don’t want anything anymore
i have nothing in me
im so tired

I’m tired of making excuses
I don’t have the talent, motivation, or passion to succeed
I have to play the fucking clown around my friends so they don’t think I’m constantly depressed and suicidal.
“Yeah I was really bad a couple years ago but ya know I’ve gotten a lot better and those things don’t bother me any more haha”
That sort of shit and add acting like I’m carefree and absolutely unaware of reality.
Everyone thinks I’m just spacy and honestly stupid. I guess they’re not wrong but they definitely don’t know why they’re right.
To be fair they couldn’t care less about that either, honestly I don’t mind that though. I’m in a weird world where I’m preparing to let go of my life but also horrified of the circumstances that allow me to get there.
Alot of my posts repeat this but I want to die whole heartedly. But I can’t be that selfish to my parents, that makes me feel sicker than anything.
God I want to leave this so fucking much, I wanna just rip my veins out of my fucking skin. I have no hope. I have nothing to look forward to. The worst part is the knowledge of everything I’ve taken/taking for granted. I understand I’m still lucky , that I could be in an actual dire situation.
But if you can’t be happy, and can’t find success what’s the point.
If your goals turn into something of a fairy tale due to your own short comings with no ability to change them, what are you supposed to do.
Just pretend like it’s better than an early grave.
To me it’s not. The anxiety of failing everyone you’ve ever cared about, the realization those people couldn’t care less about you, constantly hiding your thoughts because its just a burden to others, knowing you could never be in a relationship for a long time due to these same issues, knowing the only thing in your future is to watch family members die before you can make them proud. I’m fucking horrified of living, I don’t want this.
I just wanna go away. Why did this happen, why could’nt I just be like everyone else. I’m fucking awful.

Fuck
You

Blood for blood.
An eye for an eye.
A life
For another.
Suffer.

Honestly I just wanna see how far I can fuck up my life
I’m not trying to go against my morals
But a little bit of stress to get away from myself should feel ok
So I’m going to keep with the k’s and bars percs etc
Stay with the people I know will be a problem to my self and my future. I’m going to have “fun” and hopefully I’ll die from all this stupid shit without going out of my way.
Everything I say is like a contradiction but that’s how all my emotions feel. I’m awful, using people’s interest in me just so I can get fucked up and not remember any of it the next day. But I really just want to forget I’m here.

Give me freedom
I just want to pop bars and sleep
Sticks
Keep me quiet and bury me
Alive
Pins without the needles
If I get bored I’ll die
So I’ll stay down
So
Just
Bury me
Bury me
Bury me

im not doing well
i just want this to end
sometimes its simple

I’m back to the beginning of the circle.
Welcome me home
My regrets.

I guess I haven’t changed.
I say this a a lot, maybe since it keeps ringing in my head.
Although I am different then how I was when I first spiraled down this hole, I just can’t stop feeling this way.
I don’t want to sound like a broken record
But that seems to be a prominent symptom of being this way.
Who am I even talking to, who would I even tell.
I can’t tell my friends they’d think I’m being selfish and just tell me to get over it. I would never tell my family as that would just make them worry even more. I can’t talk to anyone and I just end up swallowing all this rage I have towards myself. I don’t want to be pitied or sympathised with, I just want someone/anyone to know what I really feel. I just want to be honest for once. I’m constantly lying about how I feel, pretending like I’m not at my worst state. I want my body to fly off a bridge, I want to crash into the water and the story to end there. I want to feel alive before I die, even if it’s only for a second. I want my life back. But I guess that’s too much to ask for. I guess sleep is my only hope.

like its time.
Its never too late to die though.
Im so tired of doing this for other people.
I guess im too curious.
Let me die I guess.
Please?

Nothing , no one, alone, anhedonic, liar, pretender, asleep, insomniac, painful, tired, empty, silent, complainer, stagnant.
Is this really all I know about myself
Probably
I wouldn’t know
It fucking hurts
Yet
I
Feel
Nothing
I don’t like being by myself like this
But it’s better if I keep to myself
I’m just a burden
To myself
And quietly to everyone else.
All my problems don’t seem to matter when I only care about
Going
To
Sleep
So please let me
Please.
I know you hate me
But we should keep trying
It would be better if we just
Slept
I really don’t like being by myself.
He says the things I already know.
I don’t want to know.
Let
Me
Go

It’s 5 am again
Why does it always have to be 5 am
why can’t I just feel normal
Why do I have to die
Why can’t I just find whatever the fuck I’m looking for
I feel absolutely nothing
Im not sad
I’m not anxious
I’m not sleepy
I’m not awake
Just fucking nothing
It’s just swirling
Constantly turning inside and out
Emptiness
Anhedonia is all I remember at this point
No satisfaction
Only apathetic disappoinment
I’m so tired
I just want the world to stop looking at me
I want it to stop trying to persuade me to giving in
I want to be able to know what it feels like to look forward to something
I want to stop falling in love with my own death
It actually feels like suicide is a logical decision even though I know it’s neither logical or illogical
Nothing feels right, I feel like everything isn’t real
Even though my perception of reality isn’t blurred
I don’t understand
But I do at the same time
As if I have the answers to all my questions but I refuse to say them.
I don’t care if I’m sad,happy,angry, anything
Just make it stop, I want to feel like I exist
But it’s almost as if the world only wants me to be my own observer, until I finally say goodbye
Going to work, going to school, trying to move forward- even though they’re my actions I feel as if I’m not part of them
I don’t want to be a ghost anymore
Hiding in a body of lies
I just want to be me
Like those people who smile with truth
But I know I can’t, unless I believe the lies I tell my self.
But I don’t even know which “self” I am
But in the end all these words could be said with one sentence, a single phrase which makes all I feel irrelevant, something that shows the world and it’s smiles that I’m a failure as a human.
I want to die.

imtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtired I dont understand what im doing anymore at this point I just want to sleep
I just want to give up
Im doing this for no reason
I dont want to die anymore
I dont want to live anymore
just let me have nice dreams
and sleep
god im so tiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtiredimtired

I want to go home
But I don’t know what that means.
It’s been so long since I’ve felt whole,
not in the sense where I’m emotionally stable, but more of who I am-
whether it’s the voice in my head
the morals/principles I follow, or the me who exists to everyone else etc.
I want closure. I want to be able to say “this is what I want”
But I dont know what I want. I say I want to die, but I don’t know what that means either.
I feel empty, as cliche as it gets. But I truly feel like there’s nothing there.
Friends, lovers, family. I care about them, I really do, but It’s gotten so hard to deal with any now.
I’m a piece of garbage, they’ve all supported me for such a long time but I do nothing but give them a facade that I grown so tired of.
I don’t know why I make these posts, is it because I want people to see them, do I just want attention?
Is it because I want my words to exist, to be heard, just so I feel like I’m a part of this world?
Maybe I’m just being a silent romantic. A self reading writer, a poet for myself.
But every time I re-read these I just feel disgusting. These feel like my emotions now but the next day it reminds me of being like an edgy teen, desperately screaming “im hurt”.
but I don’t feel hurt, I feel tired. So so tired. I don’t want to sleep, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to do anything.
I go out sometimes doing social things to make it feel like I’m trying. Nothing has changed. I’ve walked this line of stagnation ever since I was a teen.
My emotions were chaos and I felt like a body of water being raged by a storm. I’m sure thats why I feel so numb now, everything is probably being pushed into my subconscious so I don’t literally go insane.
Maybe I am already psychotic, maybe I’m too blind to see myself anymore.
I wish I had something like that “best friend type/kindred spirit”, that one person you had no matter what.
But I’ve never been the “favorite person type”. Im too much of a mess.
Even now I can’t even stand talking to myself. Nothing makes sense to me anymore.
Where do I go, who do I be, and who am I doing it for.
Questions I don’t even want to answer.
I want a purpose I guess, something only I want, something that puts me together.
I used to think falling in love with someone was just that, but now I know that was me trying to ignore the real problems.
Just a heavily felt distraction. A part of me wishes those around me knew that these are my realest thoughts, but I also know when someone finds them they make me feel the worst that I can.
I’m so sorry to those who suffer from me, that have to deal with me. I’m sorry I can’t pretend anymore. I’m sorry I don’t want to try anymore.
I really wish I wasn’t me, I wish I could’ve been a “me” that I actually wanted to be.
But again, I don’t know what I want.
I just want to go home.
Whatever that means.

I’m tired and empty. Things I’ve said too many times to count.
I remember when I started rolling down this hill.
I was young and utterly ignorant of myself.
Like most of the other young ones on this site now, I used to think my problems would be the end of me, the end of everything. Even stupid and small problems can make you feel like shit at that age I guess. Even if a majority of those “stereotypical sad teenager posts” make me laugh, I do acknowledge that what they feel is the realest they’ve had.
Even as I say that I’m only 20, and yet it still feels so far.
Eventually those young problems become less important, and you realise that they literally meant nothing compared to what you have now and later. Those who truly want to die, well they die. It’s just that simple.
It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to live anymore, or literally running towards the edge of a cliff. Unless your heart stops beating, you want to live- even if you don’t believe you do.
But there’s nothing left for me.
I don’t want anything.
I just don’t want to bring any more pain to my family,
They’ve suffered enough.
So I will suffer for them
Until I truly want to die
Because my problems have already become nothing to me
All that’s left now is for me to crack
And throw away what makes me sane
And when that sanity is lost,
And my morals decay
I will be the end of me
I will die.