Figured I should share it here. Because why not? This might be relevant, or not, but whatever.
My head swims from the fumes of red and golden nail polish that I just painted on my nails, but heck do I feel festive.
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Our little fling lasted about two weeks.
I had my first kiss with him. I don’t want to say “gave,” because my body should be mine and nothing to be given away.
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I’m learning to love myself.
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For about two years we had been texting and emailing back and forth. We said whatever came to our immature and uninhibited minds and maybe that was why I felt like I was attracted to him. Because he was “vulnerable” and “told me about all his insecurities…”
Which, in retrospect, were a lot.
After our meeting and make out session on a blanket, in a park, on a blisteringly blue summer day, he wrote me a long passage which I found romantic.
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I read it again yesterday.
It turns out it wasn’t about me. It was about him. How he thought I was the “sanctuary” from his low self esteem and and and
Cringing so much
just the savior of all his life troubles
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We video called at night whenever we could during those last two weeks and on the last night that we met, I gave him a blowjob in the back of the movie theatre.
Then we mutually agreed to break up.
and I hopped on a taxi and went back home
and I hoped never to see him again
and I learned to love myself
and I lived happily ever after.
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He loved my soothing voice.
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The moral of the story is there is no moral.
No. It is that I ignored all the warning signs and let the halo effect of our mutual love for music overshadow his very very dark shadows.
In fact he has written three books (creative but with terrible grammar and plot holes) and I took that fact in, without taking into account that much of the content is spine-shiveringly gory and disturbing.
You cannot love someone if you do not love yourself. Instead you are just sucking their love in to fill your own void.
That is a lesson I have learned.
7 comments
Thank you. That was really, really interesting.
Because I am just like that: I am looking for someone to take all my pain away. Everyone says it is wrong, but somehow that is still all I can think about.
I want to love myself, but I can’t, and I feel like the harder I try, the less I like myself.
I want to be that person who is confident and only has relationships to… I don’t know, actually. If relationships aren’t a sanctuary from your problems, what are they, actually?
Okay, my bad, I guess they are about loving someone and selflessly nurturing them or something. But then again, in that case you have just reversed it.
Or they are just mutual, but I feel like it ends up being a friendship, if it is something where you are not at least a little bit vulnerable.
I don’t get relationships. I don’t.
I feel like there are all these rules for how you should behave, and how you shouldn’t.
It was really hard for me to love myself until I received tons of love from a (non-biological) mum and the church. I’m an agnostic but the message of love and a potential relationship with god has helped me to love myself more.
The key was that the love that has changed me was not romantic. Romantic relationships are physical and fickle, but love like the kind that you get from your parents (or a spiritual parental figure) have a much stronger influence on who you become.
I look back on romantic relationships with regret but NEVER a platonic one.
Through the conversations with my ex, I learned that guys have this desire for intimacy and they have a libido that needs to be fulfilled. I know that it is generally more socially acceptable for females to be physically close with another person, so I can understand how guys can feel deprived of the physical action and crave a romantic relationship to cure this loneliness.
But it is important, I think, to be okay with yourself first. Otherwise, the relationship would stem from your selfishness to fill that hole in your heart. Everyone is selfish to an extent, true, but it is significant to know yourself before you can understand what exactly you are getting into and why you are doing it. This can prevent a lot of hurt and regret.
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On what relationships are… I don’t know either. Heterosexually speaking a male and female usually get together for the sexual chemistry which enables them to have pleasure and/or start a family together, which I totally get and am definitely not ready for.
I think the above point is what separates a romantic relationship from a platonic one, so I think romantic relationships are overrated (at least for my present post breakup self).
And the word “platonic” has somehow inherited this bland reputation like “water” instead of “flavoured drinks.” No. Maybe water is better for you. Maybe Plato was the idealist philosopher and platonic actually means ideal.
Maybe I have to understand that I am alone in this body and no one can ever love my body but me. And the ones that claim they do actually want something else in return- my playing a role for their wants. Daughter. Girlfriend. Consoler. Lover.
Think carefully about the sort of roles you are playing and that you want other people in your life to play.
And thanks for reading <3
My pleasure 🙂
The problem here is that by giving him a BJ without asking for reciprocation, you were showing him that he should see you as a sex object. So afterwards he felt awkward and uncomfortable for having been vulnerable around you and wanted to break up.
Next time, don’t ever give oral to a guy unless you and he are very physically comfortable together, and are ok with being vulnerable – and he has to give oral to you *first* (or if you’re not into that, something that you particularly like). This way he’s not being taught, “It’s ok to lead on a girl as long as I receive sexual favors from her, but I don’t have to give her anything in return.”
Wrong. Girls like sex too, and if he refuses to be a giver then YOU break up with him without giving him anything sexual. Relationships are 100% NOT about “the horny guy receiving sex from the reluctant female, while he tells her romantic things so that she’ll want to do it.” Nope. If you’re not asexual, then a romatic relationship should be about both parties having fun with consensual sex, and when not “in the bedroom,” talking and supporting one another with their endeavors in life.
So don’t ever think that relationships are about you giving, and not receiving anything in return. You definitely won’t see any value in having a significant other if that were the case.
Thank you for your input. He did offer to “help” me, but it was in the back of a movie theatre and it just wouldn’t be as comfortable for me. Also, he was completely inexperienced and I doubt it would’ve been good…
I’m sure your opinion is valid.
It would be nice if I can find a relationship with a healthy balance of both…