Why won’t they listen when I say I’m going to kill myself. When I say it’s going to push me over the edge. Why won’t they stop seemingly trying to push me over the edge.
Can they really blame me if I rebel against their expectations of me to be perfect. I have panic attacks if I’m not perfect. It’s not like I don’t want to study. It’s not like I don’t care. I just can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t keep waking up everyday feeling like this.
I don’t even feel bad now. Not as bad as usual at any rate. But I’m still feeling like shit because I know for a fact that when I feel like shit again whether that be in hours or day that they won’t listen and every time that happens it’s just pushing me closer and closer to dying. And for some reason I care; I don’t really want to die… Or maybe I’m just displaying my cowardliness again…
2 comments
You pointed right at the answer. You don’t feel bad now, not as bad as usual, but in hours or days you’ll feel like shit again and no one listens.
There it is. Things, feelings, situations are constantly changing all around. All anyone can really do is wait for the change that’s sure to come. It’s like riding the merry-go-round and you miss grabbing that ring. So, you wait to go round again to grab that ring.
It sounds to me like you’re dealing with unrealistic expectations on a schedule. You and others both expect yourself to be to a certain point immediately or sooner than you can actually understand what to change, why to change, and how to change it. We see this as expectations of ‘perfection’ when really these attributes aren’t necessarily the attributes of a perfect person.
Try to manage your own expectations and measure the worth of other people’s expectations.
The best way to do this is to think about what your values are. For example, if a friend expects you to be the best linebacker at school but you’re not a huge sports fan, then that person’s expectation is probably worth not giving much mind. That person probably is trying to project their desires onto you. In that case, that friend probably just wants to be popular and having a friend who’s a great linebacker would help with that when that person should just be happy that you’re a good friend.
If your values don’t reflect people’s expectations of you, don’t pay them any mind. If your parents expect you not to swear or to live a certain lifestyle, but it doesn’t reflect your values, try to compromise. Sometimes, what really irks them is that they know people have expectations of them. But reminding them that in spite of how they live up to others’ expectations, that a healthy relationship with them will meet yours. As well, it’s an act of love in that case to understand their own weaknesses and help them out when you can. For example, compromise by keeping your style but maybe be more outgoing and friendly to the neighbors. That takes pressure off of your parents to have you behave a certain way.
It sounds hard, but trust me, I have tons of experience in this department and I can tell you, with enough effort you can overcome issues with expectations and better your relationships with those who have expectations for you.