It’s funny, when your mind fixates on something that you rationally know is hopeless. You keep telling yourself ‘if only’, but give it a moments thought and you’ll see that it’s never going to work.
I’ve spent the majority of my life fixated on an illusion. Something that for a brief time felt so good, and so right, that it’s cast a shadow ever since. And however much I tell myself that it wasn’t real, and to let it go, my mind still clings to it. It keeps telling me that that is the only way to be happy. Even though I know that it’s an impossible delusion.
Letting go is hard. It means facing the fact that I have nothing. That I am nothing. That my life has been wasted pining after something that was never really there. That the beauty and hope I once saw in the world was false.
Still, time to wake up.
1 comment
I get what you’re saying, that the good thing you contemplate fills you with unspeakable joy yet you’re forced to acknowledge its impossibility which leaves you desolate and hopeless, yet your mind will not let it go because it is not a fiction at all, not because it wasn’t real, but because it was. You know it was. But for whatever reason the day is gone; it’s too late. It’s less painful to dismiss it as imaginary than to admit the reality. I don’t know what your reality is, but I know mine, and it’s damned hard to live with.
May you find your peace and purpose.