I haven’t been here in a while, but here I am. I was having an okay day and then I crashed. Now I want to kill myself so badly. I am so scared right now. I’m scared of trying to get better because if it doesn’t work-if nothing can relieve my depression-I’ll be worse off than I am even now. I am so alone right now. Left out. Stuck behind in so many ways. So misunderstood by loved ones. Nothing will get better. I am tired of trying to find things to make it better. Nothing will help. I am choking on sadness right now. I am dying from it. There are too many things about me that I hate, and the only way to resolve them is to kill myself. No more trying, please! Give me one really fucking good reason why I shouldn’t just end it all. I feel like I’m trapped behind glass and there is real life on the other side-with real people, real emotions, real LIFE. It looks delicious, it looks happy, it looks unattainable. Then I realize it isn’t real. I wish stories were real. I wish magic was real. I wish I WAS REAL!
3 comments
Okay, really knackered, gonna write this before I fall asleep:
You write really well, please keep doing that.
My primary reason for you not to die would be that: a) I enjoyed your post, thank you, b) You only live once, and it can definitely be totally horrible and full of suffering. But it is still all you are likely to get. You can always die another day. But suffering isn’t always lasting. Let me illustrate:
Today I had a shift with a colleague that I have a BIG crush on. I am a 32-year-old guy, but I get tongue-tied around this woman. I can’t even look her in the eye. It is horrible. I screw up everything and I become really standoffish, because I reckon she does not return my feelings. So anyway, every time I know I will see her, I anticipate and try to look my best and to do my job faultlessly (even though I KNOW that is a bad tactic). Anyway, as I said, today was a disaster, I was a lumbering fool all day and probably communicated to her that I don’t like her, even though I am totally smitten with her.
I really wanted to kill myself. What is the point of living if those people you like the most, you can never get near, because your mind is so screwed-up it litterally will not let you do it?
But after a nap and visiting my aunt and uncle, I feel better, more hopeful and less despondent.
Hugs and take care
well, unfortunately, life is very real and your aren’t in an imaginary world where what you do doesn’t affect real people. If you stand back for one minute and look at life not as a place to make you happy and feel good, but as a place for you to help others and contribute, you will realize you have TONS of power to do that. And, by the way, killing yourself does the opposite. You DESTROY the lives of many many people. When you get to the other side, your pain will possibly intensify as you are forced to feel and see what your choice (suicide) did to other people. My son killed himself this year and I will never be OK. His brother will never be OK. His grandmother will never be OK. And I don’t know how many years we will have to live with it, but I know one thing for certain and that is the ones he left behind will wait until our God-given, God-appointed time to die.
You ARE real, more real than most.
What you see on the other side of the glass, isn’t real life, most of it anyways. you are in fact sitting in front of a TV watching a show, and like most shows, even the most real of them, most of it isn’t real.
Hiding behind the glass, in the zoo, in their safe environment of indifference, platitudes and pointless little rituals that make them feel safer, avoiding reality and life. And with every tiny thing that might threat and shatter their sense of reality in the show, they make up more different pointless rules to cover behind and feel safe.
Moving without strings attached would be too much for most of them, so they cling, ever so desperately, so to not miss a step out of tune. But the more they cling, the more they will get tangled, and bundled up in an unrecognizable mess, losing all identity and sense of self.
And if they have no self, if they are just all one, they have no vision to see the world around them, and no capacity to distinguish any uniqueness or feelings that aren’t permitted in their safe little zoo.
You a sitting in front of a TV watching the discovery channel.. see all the nice little monkeys strolling around flinging their feces. Yet have these looks of bewilderment when they find a piece of it stuck under their feet.
forgive me for being naughty and reusing a post, but reading from 2 different people at the same time with the same age, made me feel like I wanted to say the exact same thing to you too at the same time, since the next is sorta an age related part.
this might seem cliche, but
You are young, just starting out to receive everything the world and life has to throw at you, not to mention the whole teenage hormone thing, which just amplifies everything.
Things CAN be different, better even. By no means does it mean it WILL, but it CAN.
The earlier you give up, the less chance of that there is.
When I was a younger version of myself, yet still feeling, appearing, maybe even being the same, as I am now. I tried everything wrong I could think of: Violence, drugs, alcohol, sex, partying, insolence, “laziness”, selfharm. Nothing changed around me, and more importantly none of it made me feel any better.
So I tried doing everything “right”: Stopped all the over-partying, drinking, drugs, put on my best attitude and behavior I could muster up without going insane, went to counseling and therapy, started on meds, eating healthy, exercising, altering my appearance, damn wasn’t I handsome now, socializing.
And none of it helped, a couple of things changed around me, I was shocked by how little, but most importantly, I didn’t feel any better, I even felt slightly more wrong, because this wasn’t me.
Then I met someone, by a fluke accident, whats seems now as a cruel joke, but then seemed like winning the lottery, I got to know a person that understood me, felt me, truly saw me.
And things were finally starting to seem better, I felt better, better than ever.
No counselor or psychiatrist had any effect on me, and here talking to this person, made me feel better than all the “professionals” or any meds they handed me. and for a while I was living life.
While it isn’t a guarantee of anything, the point of it is you need to find someone you connect with, that understands you, that sees you, who you are, all of you.
It doesn’t mean that it’s easy, but it IS possible, there are people out there that can feel you and ease everything, if only a little., but that might just be enough.
And while it might seem hard to find someone like that, or impossible, the key here is you give it a try. The younger you give up, the more you cut your chances short.
Even though things might not even turn out better, or if they do that they stay better, the important thing is it might, it can.
And you shouldn’t give up before you got to live life at least once, even if only for a little while, or at least gave it a shot and tried to
Then if things doesn’t go the way it should and you become an old fart like myself, you can smile to yourself, before you give up and think, “at least I gave it a try”