I woke up today and English felt like a strange tongue.
Now English is technically my second language and it has been a part of my life for a long time, so I usually think and even dream in English.
Today, suddenly, my brain felt absolutely paralysed.
It felt as though I am sputtering sentences out in broken syllables and I looked at the words that I wrote and they didn’t seem quite right.
Being here though. It’s like a sanctuary and my flow of words has come back to me.
The odd thing was that I was messaging a friend (whom I met a month ago but whom I really like and have hung out with) and it felt like talking to someone that I didn’t even know and never really talked to.
I lost track of currency (dollars/pounds) and felt like every flickering eye on the street was looking at me.
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So.
Is this the experience of self consciousness? It feels really alien.
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Also.
I hope the frequency of my posting isn’t really out of the norm here. It’s just… SP has become a SANCTUARY for me. <3
4 comments
Compared to some you don’t post a lot, compared to other you post more, but isn’t it like that with everything in life?
For me, but maybe I’m biased since I quite like your posts as previously mentioned, I don’t think you post too much
If I log on, and find me self a bit “too early”, which mean you haven’t made a post yet I find myself going “awww”, because I now need to patient for when the mood, inspiration or timezone strikes you.
English isn’t my native language either, yet I find myself thinking, dreaming and talking to myself in English mostly
However some years ago, I don’t know why, I just suddenly started to speak in sorta Idioglossia. Now it’s not a “true” Idioglossia, since I can’t repeat it, there is no structure or anything, but I, and only I, do understand what I “mean” in the given moment.
I thought I was going nuts, that it was another symptom of my mind turning to mush, eventually I just accepted that I had been alone for too long and my ramblings to myself had in fact become just that, ramblings, that now no one else could understand. Which wasn’t a problem, until I had the desire to talk/communicate with someone else, and I forgot to turn the nonsense filter off, making him go “wtf are you saying, are you drunk?”
Even if not being my first language, still English seems to be my comfort zone, maybe because I could excuse any mistakes made with a “it’s not my first language” or something like that, but to me there is just something about using that english
But now when I’m alone, talking the nonsense language to myself, feels quite a bit more comfortable.
Maybe you had been too alone, getting shocked by your own self consciousness?
… or maybe you are just going nuts like the rest of us 😉
I think it is fine that you post a lot, I am too atm. After going months and months without even visiting. It is great if you feel at home here.
Is it like when you examine a word, and under closer scrutiny it just seems absurd, but usually you would just use it without giving it a second thought?
Definitely. When my OCD winds up, I have a lot of similar experiences. I’ve been on a particularly annoying spike for a while now and everything I write/say feels and looks/sounds wrong for reasons I can’t identify. If I dwell on it too long, everything I write or say might as well be a jumble of Cyrillic that I can’t decipher.
When my OCD is (mostly) in check, I can have a similar experience when I start noticing repetition in written language. Too much repetition, and it starts to feel contrived and mechanical, strange, and unreal. That goes away pretty quickly, though, and I chalk it up to the fact that language is a very complex symbolism that only seems natural when you’re not thinking about it.
Also, post, post! It’s good you found somewhere you can feel comfortable expressing yourself. 🙂