I have always been an extremely open person, definitely to a fault when you are someone that has struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts/tendencies for half of your life. People who consider themselves my friends always ask how I am doing, and I guess in asking, they feel better about themselves. I picture them thinking whenever they ask; “I’m being a really caring friend right now. I hope that he’s doing alright.” But that thought is as far as it goes, and whenever I actually tell them how things are actually going for me, they invariably pull away.
I have always had the uncanny ability to suck the life out of a room full of people without even knowing that I am doing it. And anymore, when I talk to any of my friends about how tough things are for me, I can see the life draining from their eyes and can feel their happy thoughts being quashed. I have told my friends this, and have often told them that if they don’t want to hear the honest truth, not to ask in the first place. But all of my friends seemingly feel an obligation to ask, hoping that I give them the easy way out and lie to them. That way, they can feel like they have done their due diligence as a friend without having to actually be there for me.
It just pisses me off when their reaction is always the same, even though I have told them over and over that they don’t want to hear about it. “I am not looking for an answer or a solution from you. I haven’t thought of one, and you probably won’t either. So don’t feel obliged to try to fix anything.” I always caution them, but they still make promises to be there for me that every last one of them pulls back from. It isn’t that they aren’t being there for me, it is that they refuse to listen to my warning that they won’t be able to help, and as soon as they hear my story, they realize that I was right (and then go back on the ill-advised promise that they just made).
In general, I don’t feel any better (I in fact, most often feel worse) after I talk things through. So, it isn’t like them listening is helping me release some pent up stress. It just makes things worse, amplified when they refuse to actually follow through on anything.
I am sorry to rant a bit here; I am just so tired of the fact that literally everyone that I have let in reacts in this same way. Good riddance to all of them. My responsibility is not to make them feel good about themselves; that is their job. My job is to be a friend, which I try to be but simply can’t get past the fact that they aren’t really even trying to be friends to me.
1 comment
I can relate to this. And it hurts when people do this. But in all honesty they likely don’t know what else to do. Of course they will feel sad that you are depressed and/or that they can’t fix it. I just learned to say I am good ty for asking. It is just easier.