I really wish that I wasn’t horrible…. And that I could just be normal, people would be much happier that way. Why can’t I just sit there and force myself to study and shit so I can do well with school? and why can’t I just not be a freak and look and act normally so I can find somebody willing to pay me for my time so I can support myself and become a real person? Why can’t I just not be asexual so I can make people happy, or at least not find sex to be horrible and disgusting? I’m really not happy with myself right now, skipping class again as it is now impossible for me to pass, so there’s no point attending really. I will show up for the tests that are left though I guess, just as they are kind of fun. -_- and the other one I actually forgot to submit things and now it’s too late, another quarter with a 0.0 GPA…. that’s pre bad, oh well…. not like I thought I was ever going to graduate anyway…. -_- maybe next quarter I will start trying and not wait for so long that it becomes overwhelming, and not let myself get distracted by finally having friends and things that I care about and kind of even smiling and being a bit happy every now and then…. It didn’t help me do any better it actually kind of made me start doing worse -_- Fuck happiness. :/ I’m really tempted to just stop talking to everybody and stop seeing my counselor and getting rid of all these things that make me smile as I clearly can’t handle it very well. :/ Also why can’t I write something cohesive and that feels like it wasn’t written by a crazy person who is just rambling randomly? -_-
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Don’t wish to be “normal” to make the others happy. Desire it for your own pleasure, and if being “normal” doesn’t please you, find ways and things you like about your “differences” from “normals”
Did you ever get checked to see if there is something treatable causing your asexuality if it affects you in that way?, It sorta seems like you don’t like to be asexual, and even if rare, there are things that can cause it, in case you hadn’t checked the bases.
Because you shouldn’t feel guilty or wrong for being asexual, and if anyone makes you feel that, fuck them, the world got enough idiots to go around, you shouldn’t waste you time on or with them.
And sex is is kinda technically horrible and disgusting and messy if one delves deep and think about it enough. So don’t feel too bad about it.
Maybe the trouble isn’t you can’t handle the things that make you smile, maybe it’s just not the right things, or you need them in a different way.
If you think of yourself as, and call yourself a freak in certain ways, and feel pressure to do or get certain things, like a 4.0 gpa. no wonder you feel you can’t handle it, those things wouldn’t make me smile, that would make me miserable
Unless you find yourself “liking” to be a freak, you need to remove whats making you feel that way, so if the people around you make you feel/think that way, try to find new people, surroundings.
Learn to care less about others and more about yourself, a little selfishness, in the right way, isn’t bad or wrong.
don’t necessarily quit counseling, maybe get more, different or better, there isn’t just 1 treatment, there are many, a lot of them work even great together. For some groups work more magic than 1n1, for some doing both helps even more.
And without a little “crazy” ramblings various people have to offer, I feel we would miss out on a lot of the “sprinkles” of life.
Try not to be so hard on yourself
A rainbow of madness is better than no rainbow at all
Yeah I’ve kind of wondering if I’m asexual due to a thing that I think may have happened to me in the past, but I’ve been told that I made that up so I don’t really want to deal with that…. I do feel like I’m probably actually asexual as I don’t like crave sex and just am too afraid to try or anything…. I have no sex drive at all (other than a bit of one physically)…. So I do feel like I am probably actually asexual, I just wish I liked sex like normal people, as I do want a romantic relationship, and most people kind of expect sex out of that, which makes that harder -_- Nobody else is making me feel bad about being asexual, I’m just kind of sad that I won’t be able to make people very happy by having sex with them :/ as right now I wouldn’t even be that willing to try….
The sad bit is that I’m not expected to get a 4.0 just expected to not fail classes and actually graduate one day, which kind of feels impossible…. -_- And I did do worse the last three quarters than I have in the past, which is when I made my first friends that I had since leaving highschool (had been two years since high school at that point) and well, I just kind of stopped doing anything related to school and sort of fixated on maximizing my time spent with them…. As I am uncertain how long they will stick around, and they have more or less mostly left by this time, I only currently see one of them consistently and only for a few hours per week which I crave so much more than that…. So I should just stop caring about having friends and such it makes me worse and less able to function, also it ended up forcing me to stop a lot of the hobbies I had, and those have degraded to a point of uselessness by now :/ I gave up far too much for having a handful of friends which is upsetting 🙁
I care a lot about myself though, which is why I care so much about other people, I don’t feel okay without others…. But only when I want them around…. I am still actually an introvert and can normally only spend 8 hours per day around people, but I still want to spend those 8 hours around people…. well certain people that I know and trust…. Not just random people…. The people that I like to spend time around. But I am a horribly selfish person, as I really don’t actually care about other people, I just want them around for my own benefit. Maybe I should try stopping that -_-
I am uncertain how I feel about counseling, like I feel a lot better now with it…. But I kind of want to go back to feeling as horrible as I used to and digging into my skin every night with my razors like I used to, I was actually performing so much better in school at that time than I am now….
I think I was trying to express that I wish I could function well and feel decently at the same time, as it’s starting to feel like that’s impossible for me to do :/
I do hope you has a good day though ^_^
Hi, sweet heart.
I’m going to comment on the asexual bit. Being asexual isn’t abnormal. There are many people in the world that are asexual. I have two friends myself who recognize themselves under that term. Especially when you’ve been the victim of something that wasn’t made up (eyebrow twitches because fuck whoever told you that) don’t pressure yourself to want sex. And I’ll even go one step further. If the term “asexual” bothers you or creates anxiety, don’t feel the need to categorize yourself. Categories were created to assist people in either better understanding someone else or to feel like they’re apart of a community. If you’re not getting a positive sensation by placing that term on yourself, don’t do it. You’re you. That’s all you need to know. A person rarely ever concretely falls perfectly within the outlines of a category or a particular terminology. That’s the thing about being human. We’re complicated. One of my gay friends likes breasts but still loves his boyfriend and securely categorizes himself within the gay community. Be you, sweet heart. Don’t let feel the need to categorize yourself. People are more beautiful when they’re three-dimensional anyways and don’t fall into the strictest section of a pie chart.
Meh I’m not really uncomfortable with the term so much, as it does describe where I stand on that very accurately…. I just wish that I couldn’t accurately use that term to describe myself is all -_-
Even though I have no helpful advice, I wanted to comment anyway to let you know I’m thinking of you and hoping things work out all right.
Hello old buddy, Watch more comedy, make sure you do things you enjoy more often. 🙂 You can’t be serious all the time.