I wish I could be better

November 23rd, 2016by shatterediris

I really wish that I wasn’t horrible…. And that I could just be normal, people would be much happier that way. Why can’t I just sit there and force myself to study and shit so I can do well with school? and why can’t I just not be a freak and look and act normally so I can find somebody willing to pay me for my time so I can support myself and become a real person? Why can’t I just not be asexual so I can make people happy, or at least not find sex to be horrible and disgusting? I’m really not happy with myself right now, skipping class again as it is now impossible for me to pass, so there’s no point attending really. I will show up for the tests that are left though I guess, just as they are kind of fun. -_- and the other one I actually forgot to submit things and now it’s too late, another quarter with a 0.0 GPA…. that’s pre bad, oh well…. not like I thought I was ever going to graduate anyway…. -_- maybe next quarter I will start trying and not wait for so long that it becomes overwhelming, and not let myself get distracted by finally having friends and things that I care about and kind of even smiling and being a bit happy every now and then…. It didn’t help me do any better it actually kind of made me start doing worse -_- Fuck happiness. :/ I’m really tempted to just stop talking to everybody and stop seeing my counselor and getting rid of all these things that make me smile as I clearly can’t handle it very well. :/ Also why can’t I write something cohesive and that feels like it wasn’t written by a crazy person who is just rambling randomly? -_-

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