I thought of hanging myself multiple times this weekend. It has never worked so I didn’t waste my time. I wonder how it feels to die. To be in a state of non existence. Ive wondered for so long. Each agonizing lonely meaningless moment. Ive spent 5 years under 3 screen names here. I too about 2 years off at one point but still. Ive been suicidal since I could remember. I know factually the love i have for my self is the love I’ll ever have. You read that right i do love myself. I feel my suicide would be a merciful act of self love. I love myself enough to spare myself future pain and memories of past pain while being constantly reminded of it. There are 8 billion people on an overcrowded planet. People are one of billions of living organisms on the planet. And this planet is one of trillions in the observable universe. My life is mathematically insignificant. My death wouldn’t warrant a funeral and the pain and suffering that is and has been most of the days of life i live mathematically prove that me living is illogical.
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Yup, 8 billion people, most of them struggling to survive, doing what their supposed to. Then there are people like us who just want it to be over. I used to wonder what dying is, but I think I figured it out. I passed out one time from an allergic reaction and one moment I was sitting thinking about my life, thinking about everything and the next moment was… nothing. I just remember nothing, I didn’t exist for that short moment I was unconscious and I felt no pain, no hunger, no thirst, no worries, no sadness. I remember when I woke up I wanted to go back to that world so much.
Glad you made it through the weekend.
I kind of feel the same about having mercy on myself to not live much longer. I just can’t imagine the suffering of the years continuing to go by while I have nobody in my life, some day my family will no longer be around, the reality will set in that I’m never going to have a partner or a family of my own, etc etc. I wish other people could understand that they really shouldn’t mourn the idea that I want to be dead, they should mourn the possibility that I live 60 more years on this planet this lonely.
I’ve made peace with not being special and it kind of grosses me out that the average person walks around thinking that they are. That their life is going to unfold to be some special story and that they are the star of the their own movie. It’s impossible to be special when you are 1 in 7 billion. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would stop thinking they are special.
During a sleeping pill attempt over a decade ago i slept but i woke up in the hospital. I still regret waking up. For a moment i forgot that existed. That blissful non existence.
Don’t worry, you’re not the only one who feels that. I too love myself so much, I want to save me. And I’ve learned I’m the only one capable of doing it.
Our deaths will be so insignificant to this giant world, but so meaningful for us. We know what it means, and we know how important it is.
So that’s why we should do the things we love before parting. It’s our party, our celebration before leaving this world.
On a side note, please don’t try hanging? I heard it’s really painful
8 billion people on the planet and I have absolutely nobody. Why does that feel like a painful revelation? Tells me even more I’m just a loser. Meh fuck it. Can’t miss what you never had.
Hang in there, don’t hang yourself.
You can too miss what you never had lol i do all the time. The only reason I won’t habg myself because its a terrible method. Guns on the other hand no promises.
”I feel my suicide would be a merciful act of self love” I agree completely. I too think it’s the best thing I can do for myself considering the circumstances.