I’m an idiot…

I’ve been pretty close to killing myself more than a few times lately. I set a hard date of Nov 1st, but what usually happens is I get too emotionally and physically exhausted to carry anything out. (I have fibromyalgia, am always in pain, and with the misery I can feel emotionally, really am not able to do shit.) Then when the super moon happened, I felt energized by it and wanted to die under the intense energy of the powerful moon and for real could not find a rope rated strong enough to hold my fat ass to hang myself.

I have everything in the world against me.  Poverty. Not being able to afford to rent a room much less my own place. My credit is beyond destroyed since having about 7 starter (to build credit) credit cards stolen in early Jan 2014 and being poor and homeless and unable to do shit about the identity theft that went along with that. The card companies refused to shut them off too, so they let all this shit happen to me. Just calling in to tell them your card was lost or stolen should be enough for them to shut the card off, but they all refused, stating they needed a police report, my actual real driver’s license and my actual real birth certificate sent to them to accept that it was true that my cards were stolen. Being homeless, broke and 1300 miles out of state, that was fucking impossible. So they let that shit happen to me. And now I’ve gotten a couple of weird voicemails from a “debt collector” but when I googled it, it’s this insane law firm that has tons of complaints about them for having people put in prison (long term!) for small debts of $500-700 and they work on behalf of one of the credit card companies I had a starter card from.

…Plus taxes. I haven’t been able to pay the $200 to the state or the remaining $700 federal tax (of $1200 originally) for working part time in 2015 because HOW DARE some poor piece of shit like me take ANY job and earn $15,000 so my PUNISHMENT for trying is a combined $1400 tax bill when shit, they took $30-60 in social security alone out of every check to again PUNISH me for being so unemployable and not being able to get a job earlier. So I’ve got that shit over my head to worry about, and student loans on top of that that I can’t pay on.

So what led to me being on the very edge of hanging myself in desperation is that I lost my first 10 hour a week job in October, because the business is failing. Then I found out my 2nd 10 hour a week job is ending Christmas Eve and closing down, putting me out of that job as well.

So add it all up and you’ve got an obese, disabled, transgender person deep in debt with problems of identity theft being left homeless, unemployed and penniless in Trump’s new Nazi America where somehow we’ve already lost the right to be employed all together (us lgbtq+ identified people)…. and then like always, the extreme misery and unimaginable pain I end up feeling, being deeply in love with someone who can’t see any value in being with me… Yeah might as well fucking kill myself.

But like always, I do dumb shit all the time. I’m physically weak and lack the energy to go to every store in a major city looking for what I need, and doubt I’d have the physical speed and agility to jump in front of a speeding train at the right moment… But as I do dumb shit (like continuing to live), I somehow last minute got myself a new part time job for 25 hours a week at ONE place (how novel! no more working 2 jobs to add up to the hours of one part time job!!) and I go in later this week to sign the papers and get informed of the details like when my shift will be and such.

And as much as I want this job, and as valuable as I think the opportunity will be given the nature of the work (ohh I’m going to learn some high level professional stuff that will be worth GOLD on my resume!!)…. and these people believe in me?? Again, it’s another new business. They’ve been around for 10 years which is better than 5 years and 2 years that my other jobs have been around. But now I’m nervous and wonder if I can even succeed in the real world?!? Sure, I know computers, I guess that’s what impressed them. But I’m so ADD anymore, scatterbrained, and still have the threat of homelessness hanging over me because we’ve only got until Feb, maybe Mar where we’re at now (me and my best friend aka the guy I love who will never be mine), and finding a place to rent a room is SO hard for the both of us. Don’t ask why, but it goes beyond just being poor people who can’t pay $600 combined let alone the $1000 per room most everyone asks for. And even if this new job works out great for me I can still expect my income to be $15,000 gross for a year so I still won’t make $1000 per month to rent a room off anyone. So I really don’t know what the fuck we’re gonna do come Feb/Mar.