22 years
4 years past my personal expected life span
6 years past my second attempt to “end it all”
9 years since my 1st attempt to rid myself of the inner turmoil
22 years too long…
I am so lost and so broken
The weight of self hatred, regret and ever lasting guilt has crushed my ribs down upon my heart and lungs
Every breath feels undeserved, every thought is pushed into the depths of my mind
This is not worth it anymore
I shouldn’t hurt my family any longer with my undesired presence
I should allow them the freedom to be without my incompetence and my problems
I am so scared
Let this be the end of me
Don’t let me fail again
4 comments
Why do you feel your presence is undesired by your family?
Well I suppose I say that because of their day-to-day reactions to the choices I make. For example, I took my mothers laundry out of the dryer and put it into the basket that she carries into her room and folds her clothes. But because it wasn’t anyone else in the house that decided to do that but ME, she flipped out. I have seen all my family members handle her clean clothes, even fold them for her. But as soon as I decided to help, she lost her mind and threatened to kick me out and take all my money out of my bank accounts. It was a complete melt down. That being only one example out of many, it may seem rather silly that it makes me feel the way I do. But it hurts just as much as the first time…
If you google “newsweek suicide epidemic”, you will find an article about a psychologist called Thomas Joiner and his theory of suicide. You exhibit one of the symptoms he describes: perceived burdensomeness.
You are maybe unaware of the ways in which you enrich other people’s lives.
Hugs
I really enjoyed the article that you suggested to me. I have been wondering about that particular feeling I get when depression draws it’s blackened shades. The feeling of being the heaviest weight in people’s lives. The feeling that if I were to remove that weight, it would not crush the people around me any longer. I admire his three-point chart, the burdensomeness, the loneliness, the means to kill one-self. I certainly experience the loneliness, the burdensomeness…but all I need is a gun and there is my means. I wouldn’t do it any other way because the other methods I have tried either made me vomit or landed me in the psych ward.