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A helpful reminder

by anonymous4126

About a month ago I hit a really low point, and during that time I wrote down all the thoughts going through my head, which I’m going to share below. Don’t reply worried or anything, I’m okay right now and won’t do anything drastic, a promise I made to a friend. 🙂

Now here’s the document:

I want to die…

  • I’m hopeless of the future. At this point I know mentally I’m not capable of living the life I dreamed of. I will only be a burden to my family and friends in the future. I can’t be this brilliant person that can change the world like my family thinks. So ultimately I’m saving the people I care about the trouble by ending my life now to prevent their future hindrances and frustrations.
  • Those who care about me will get over the suicide. They may feel pain from the initial loss, but in time they will get over it and continue their lives. I don’t believe the damage will be so bad that it would ruin their lives, they are mentally strong enough to deal with it and move on. They have so much potential, I don’t want to hold them back from my existence in the future.
  • Self-hatred – my mental disabilities are just too much for me, and any human being. This is probably why you don’t hear about people with as many as I have, they all ended their lives like I hope to do too. I can’t be happy, I have such difficulties breaking the negative habits I developed from my shitty childhood, I can’t perform any skill or major good enough here at college to do good in the world. I will forever be reliant on others, and I don’t want that for them. I don’t have the compassion needed to be a compassionate human being, so there goes human interactive career options. I’m no longer improving, I can’t make it in this kind of world.
  • Counseling, medicine, talking with people, etc., none of it has worked for me. Nothing will, I’ve come to realize this finally. What has been keeping me alive is false hope, finally with logic I realize there isn’t any.
  • The trait that most disturbs me is that affection or compassion from others makes me uncomfortable rather than help me like it should. It’s probably because I can’t relate to the caring way they feel towards others, I can’t care for others enough to truly care about their well-being or want to stay in contact.
  • I can’t care for others, why should someone like that even exist?
  • People have the ability to “click” into gear to accomplish great things and do well at tasks. It’s a human capability I don’t have. I have knowledge knowing people who aren’t really accomplishing much can get out of their rut and do something meaningful with a switch in attitude, after much thought I’ve come to realize that even with a good attitude I still can’t use this human instinct, so there’s no saving myself.
  • I just want to give up, I’m weak because of my past, my brain, and my personality. I can’t take the pain, it’s too great for my fragile self. I’m tearing up just writing this. Of course, there’s no crying, my ********** doesn’t have the capability. I’m just an emotionless robot.
  • Seriously there’s nothing to look forward but pain and minor moments of fake joy, I’ll never have true happiness because I’m not made to be allowed it in this world.
  • My sense of having a divine purpose and seeing the future as a sign to live is total crap. I realize seeing the future in my dreams is so I realize when my timeline needs to stop, and I think I’m now there.
  • I will never get back to the way I was, back before I realized the truth about life, back when I was truly happy in my youth. I wish I can feel like that again, but it won’t except in my dreams occasionally. What a shame, I hate you brain.
  • I’m numb not only mentally but physically right now. I spent hours outside in the cold with little clothing, but I’m so deep in my thoughts that it did nothing to me and I didn’t feel freezing like I should have.
  • I don’t know how I want to die yet, but I’m leaning towards hanging. It seems like the most suitable method for me.
  • I can’t be treated, sorry everyone. I know better than any of you can imagine, you don’t have the understanding of me like I do. I trust my instinct in knowing my life will be meaningless, so it’s time to end it now. I’m doing this out of love.
  • Because of how I know that I’m unlovable, I push myself away from those who may be interested in me by pushing them away. They may see this as not being interested in them, but in reality, I’m doing it because I love them. I don’t want to ruin what future happiness they can have with someone else who won’t be a nuisance like me.
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