I was 8 years old when I first started thinking about suicide.
Ild pictured myself hanged in the woods. That no one would find me for days because no one cared or knew who I was. At 8 years old imagining how many people would never miss me. How life would be perfectly fine without me.
I was 12 when I first cut myself. My mom thought it was for attention. I still have multiple scars on my wrist.
I was 23 when I got pregnant. I was married. And almost every day of my pregnancy I thought about driving my car into a building. To this day, with or without being on medication I still wonder if its safe for me to drive.
At age 29 I am constantly thinking about death. I am really just here for other peoples sake. Because I am a mother, daughter and wife. If I wasnt any of those I would have been gone long ago. But why should I suffer my whole life so they can have a daughter, wife, and mother? Because I care for them more than myself. At least my daughter. The other two are adults, they will get over the loss of me.
I cant keep having these freak outs in front of her. I need to gain control. If I dont gain control then am I doing her any favors by sticking around?
So what am I waiting for? Honestly its a matter of time. Its going to take one bad day to put me over the edge.
5 comments
You have to accept you will never have control. Let go.
A therapist can help you learn to live for yourself. Once you start doing that you will automatically be a better wife, mother, daughter.
Drugs can help reduce the frequency and volume of the bad thoughts that being you into despair.
It may take several attempts to find the right therapist and the right drugs. Keep trying.
Show your daughter that you accept your flaws. Show her the dreams you chase. Show her that you will accept help. It will make you a very human and wonderful role model.
You’re not alone. I feel you. Sometimes I wish time would really fly, fast forward to the end and then no more…
There is nothing to be ashamed of. You are struggling with life, as so many do.
You have needs to, that is okay. Your social bonds should feel like a support network, not like someone you have to sacrifice yourself for.
It will also be good for your daughter if you care for yourself.
Hugs
*needs too
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You totally read my mind. I tried to strangle myself at 8 or so, but some weird instinct kicked-in last moment. I repeated this several times and then gave up. Till date, I am afraid of heights, not of falling but of deliberately jumping myself. It feels as if some alter-ego is constantly pushing me from inside – “Jump! Jump, you can do it!”. I can’t think of a day without suicidal thoughts. I am 26 now and have survived so far, and will continue do so – I’m sure. I don’t have a reason to live – such as your love for family – but I don’t have enough reason to die as well – I’m meaninglessly surviving – but I hope I’ll find something worth living some day.
Well I guess there is always the standard solution – go see a therapist.
As for me I haven’t seen any therapist yet, I came to trust my instinct to protect me – I believe it happens with you too – as one half of you pushed you to drive your car into a building, there is this other part of you that had always stopped you from doing it.