Tonight was my boyfriends Christmas work do…. I’ve never went out in heels and a dress … Such a big thing for me I felt so nervous and I hadn’t got any sleep the night before so I was already pretty sensitive and tired… I had a few drinks to take the edge of before going down to the hotel pub. What an idiot I am. I just wanted to feel beautiful and happy for one night , I want to be happy and not just with the evening but with myself I just wanted to think I could be a beautiful person for atleast one night and I drank too much and got upset because I drank too much and I felt as though my boyfriend didn’t really want to spend time with me…. I’m such a disgusting excuse of a so called woman I don’t deserve to be loved, it mattered so much for him to be proud of me I wanted it so badly and he couldn’t of been more disappointed and embarrassed all because of me being a drunken mess, I clearly made him upset, he really is ashamed of me and he has every right to be because I hate myself just as much as he does…… Five hours till I can get the train in sick and tired of ruinging eveything for everyone around me I’m so sorry I don’t mean to be stupid I really wish I wasn’t me I wish I was beautiful and confident and secure, men do t want little girls who are batshit crazy and make a mess of themselves all the time how could I even call myself a woman I’m a disgrace and maybe today is the day I stop hurting everyone in so sorry I really wish I could of been a better human being I wish I could be everything you wish for im just sorry that I let you and everyone else down so much, I promise you it’s going to stop and I promise you I won’t ruin everything anymore hopefully today is the day I let go, you all deserved so much better than me, I just need to stop breathing I’m in so much pain
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9 comments
By Tuesday, everyone at his office will have forgotten it.
The whole 48 hour news cycle promises.
As for learning to love yourself, that’ll take a tiny bit of regular practice, but it can grow and take a life of it’s own, but it won’t happen without some effort.
You sound wonderfully human. Stop beating yourself up for being wonderfully human. You are probably the most unqualified person to decide how appropriately social you were and what your boyfriend felt about the whole thing.
The biggest crime is that you didn’t have a good time. Confidence, like walking in heels, is something you have to practice. So keep practicing.
What 99% of all men want has nothing to do with a woman’s demeanor, unfortunately.
Thank you guys I appreciate your support and it feels nice knowing you had the time to read this and be there for me, seesmith Thank you you’ve actually made me feel human knowing someone else can understand and relate to the way I feel…. I find it hard to tell people how I’m really feeling , scared of being branded as an attention seeker so being able to express how I truly feel to people who aren’t judging me is something I’m very grateful for, thank you so much
No problem.
You aren’t an attention seeker. That’s a bullshit label used to discount your feelings.
I am and have always been an attention seeker. Even if I am, my honest feelings are still valid.
Lastly, you didn’t kill anyone at the party. Congratulate yourself. Read the news; there are many people out there that can’t do that!
Oh honey I could tell you some horror stories of being a drunken embarrassing mess that would probably make you feel a lot better. There are people I refuse to even be around and places I refuse to go because I am still humiliated years later! All you can do is apologize and take it as a lesson learned. Go easy on yourself. 🙂
I have a lot of social anxiety, and the most useful advice I have found is to not focus on yourself.
Thank you guys I actually do feel an awful lot better about it since these comments i do suffer from anxiety and I’m constantly thinking too much about how I am around others I put too much pressure on myself in situations like that, I really appreciate it, thank you everyone 🙂
That is good to hear (that you feel better) 🙂