For so long my life has been about trying to escape from how I feel from moment to moment. Because something always feels wrong. I feel so utterly alone. And scared. And full of self-loathing. And so, so tired. I don’t think I’ve slept properly for 10 years. On top of which there’s all the little physical things – my stomach and skin issues, back pain etc. There’s always something gnawing away at me – either in my mind or my body.
I’ve never worked out a way to tolerate feeling like this for an extended time. It seems unbearable, and I end up desperate for a way out. Something to overwhelm my sensory discomfort, and transport my mind to a fantasy where what feels so wrong in me no longer matters. I think that probably makes me an addict.
Of course such distractions only ever provide temporary relief. And they take their toll. The human brain has not evolved to anesthetize itself indefinitely. The things I rely on to provide temporary relief are of course implicated in my ending up in this state to begin with. But they’re all I have left. And giving them up doesn’t change anything. It just leaves me to face the mess that I’ve made of my existence. There’s no way to remove this guilt, shame, and isolation.
I can’t let myself die. But I can’t stand feeling like this either. I’m stuck.
7 comments
I can relate so much to the constant pain eating away at you little by little. For me it’s not one big thing, it’s little things building up day after day finally causing the breaking point. I learned awhile ago that it’s important to find something healthy to do to relieve the built up stress and pain, otherwise it just keep building until it crushes you.
What do you do to relieve the pain and stress? I find that anything I try only works for a limited amount of time. Like I’ll run for hours and hours, until I’m utterly exhausted. And for some of that time, the endorphin rush will make me forget. But sooner or later I have to head home, and it all comes flooding back. And then I’m too tired to do anything else, and I end up stuck with it.
I’m still trying to find things to relieve it. Here is what i’ve found so far though. Meds can help if it’s something that you really can’t control. exercise is good. Meditation can really calm the mind if you do it regularly and can erase some of the residual stress buildup. A good way to do mediation is whenever you take a nap or before going to sleep put on a guided breathing meditation from youtube, or listen to relaxing music. Get a punching bag and beat it up regularly. Also find a way of expressing the pain, the more I deny it the more it grows. Regular stretching also helps for physical pain buildup.
Yeah, that’s most of the same stuff I’ve tried in the past.
Also great song. I thought of that song the second I read the title of your post, before I even saw that you posted it.
I relate to many people, but your posts never cease to amaze me. It always feels like I wrote it myself because I relate 100%. Exercise is definitely good. It can shake you out of an awful mood. It’s not an overall cure, but it certainly helps.
Struggling with addiction is a *****. When the pain becomes too much, it makes you want to reach for whatever will erase your reality. That’s not good in the long run, but sometimes I just do it because that escape is so tempting.
I might have to suck it up and try the mood stabilizer that was prescribed for me. I’ve never had much luck with medication except anti-anxiety medication, but something has to give. Being on medication would help stop me from certain addictions too. Obviously I cannot handle the emotional rollercoaster I am on and the happiness is fleeting and the despair comes right back way harder. So over living this way. I’m just as lost as anyone here. Good days do come so I’m grateful for that and hold on to it as long as I can.
Even if you’re dating someone, you still feel alone and empty inside of yourself. I end up clinging to the person I date. I can’t stand it. Sometimes I want to push the person completely away because being alone is what I’m used to and when I don’t feel well (which is often), I don’t feel like being bothered. Plus I feel like I have to lie about my mood and say I’m fine when I’m really not. No one wants to date someone who is bummed out most of the time. Sorry, venting.
I wish you well.
Hope meds work out for you. And that you find someone who understands what you struggle with and makes you feel a little less alone.