So the last time I cut myself was early in March and I have not had a time since then that I’ve wanted to as much as right now. I threw all my razors away and have not bought any new ones since but each day I have the urge to go out and buy new ones. I self harm when I hate myself and it just seems to be more and more apparent to me that I don’t like who I am. I’ve already slipped into the habit of my old eating disorder, I go to university so it is not like anyone monitors when I eat other than me and I can barely stomach one meal a day on the basis that I hate how I look. The temptations to end things have also came back, I don’t feel like my existence does anything but subtract value from the world, no one will talk to me any more, the people that used to have stopped caring and we barely see each other anymore and I can’t speak to my family because my parents abused me when I was young so they only make the feelings worse. I just want to have someone who’s life is better because of mine and while I can’t see that it is really hard.
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im so sorry. i believe that it is okay to fall back a few steps every now and then, as long as you stand back up and keep moving forward. Relapse is a part of recovery. It is heart breaking and i know this, but as long as you can help yourself up and tell yourself that you will be okay, then you are doing a very good job. You CAN do this, and i do believe in you. I wish i could be there because i would guaranteed talk to you! but stay strong hun, you are going to be okay.
It’s so easy to judge someone wrongly when you don’t know what’s going on in their life so it’s good that you were willing to share that side of you, which would explain why you self-harm.
I’ve learned over time that most people are what I’d describe as a state of being underwater. You’ll hear things but they really won’t make sense, even if it’s the truth or the best advice for you. I’ve also had my moments when I thought I knew better or couldn’t change or thought I was being given the wrong advice.
So I could tell you how to try to get your life back in order but at the end of the day you have to want to change. If the will and desire isn’t there than the words are meaningless.
Like you I’ve experienced my own form of suffering, rejection, hate and so on. You’re going to have to learn to let go of things that you can’t change, focus on those that matter.
It’d help if you have someone who could be there for you like a friend/family member-but I find that people eventually let you go when they don’t see that you’re improving your life.
Either way, the key is to focus on getting better, first begin with your health, eating/exercising/sleeping in a regular cycle. That will make you stronger and more able to deal with issues. Then realize that you are not defined by other people’s opinions-you matter intrinsically. And who the hell are they anyways? Just like they’re strangers to me, you should see them that way also.
Then focus on your education/career and once you’re independent, then you can work on creating new relationships. If you still want to end your life then remember it takes a lot of work, thought and planning to do it right.
If you harm yourself you could end up crippled in a hospital so your existence will become far worse than it is now and you won’t be able to escape it. Your mind is the best tool you have-think things through before making any rash decisions.
To be honest with you. I don’t get the whole cutting thing. For me, I either want to live and take care of myself or I would want to end my life. I don’t see the point is scarring up my body and inflicting unnecessary pain on myself that I have to deal with. For me I guess my reasoning is that some people have inner emotional pains that are so strong that the cutting takes away from that mental and emotional pain and pulls them out of it. Well if you slipped up and cut a little bit that does not mean its over for you… you an pull out of this and get back on track if you try.
Well if you feel like your existence only subtracts from the world.. the why not try this. Try changing that!! Try to change your life so that you become useful to the world and helpful to other people then you will feel good about yourself and feel important. There was a time when I was a real nasty person to people and there was not much good to me. That is only because I was raised in an abusive family and they taught me to be that way.. but later on in life I truly learnt to become a good person and I have gone out and helped a lot of people in life and now I feel much better in life to be able to do good and help others .
so think about that. Your past does not have to be your future. You can change any aspect of your life and turn things around for yourself.
I wish you the best
don’t feel guilty of/cause of a relapse, take it day to day
I haven’t cut in 7 months, not something i even feel proud of, because the reason isn’t im over it, i’m just so apathetic i dont want to, i mean i do want to, the urge still comes, but its not the same need, because i just feel so “done”, that i cant even make myself cut because now even that doesnt make me feel anything
if you slip up, you havent lost the battle, nothing to be ashamed of or anything, the next day you go without cutting you just feel proud at the end of that day, and proud the next and so on
don’t let it be determined by a measure of length of time weather or not you can feel good about not having cut, feel equally good and proud when you go through a single day without, take it day by day,
You are gonna be okay, your are not useless or worthless, and you belong in this world being you, because you are not a negative, you do have something to give the world, you will give that something to the world, even if you haven’t figured everything out yet and dont know what it is.
you will, in time, maybe you need some help along the way, and thats fine, no shame in that, it doesn’t make you any less, but you can get out on top of all of this.
There is a place in the world for you, exactly because you are you
I understand the urge, I recently posted my reason for being upset and it’s actually helping a bit to just tell what I feel and what I want without having to worry about judgment or being shipped to therapists with meds at the ready. I cut about a week and a half ago after almost a year without it. I felt guilty, but now I don’t because I had the strength not to end it then when death was right there. Frankly I want to now, but that’s why I’m on here. So even though I’m in a dark place myself, I feel like I have some wisdom to give: it’s okay to have relapses occasionally. I’m not saying it’s a good thing, but it’s nothing to feel guilty about. And my stepdad abused me so I know where your coming from…it’s hard…it really is..but wear your scars with pride and just talk to us. There will be no judgements.
Thank you to all of you that have replied, I’m extremely grateful for all of your words of support. I think all of you are wonderful people for taking the time to write your kind words. In terms of relapse I still haven’t, I am just taking everything day by day and trying to get through. When I used to cut I used to only on my legs so people wouldn’t know and my main worry is if someone was to find out I was, I haven’t eaten for 2 days now and had about 5 hours sleep in that time. I stay awake at night thinking that I could get up and leave and no one would know. This may sound like a bad reason but I was seeing someone for the first time in nearly a year, it was getting more serious and they told me out of the blue a few days ago they didn’t want to talk for a while. I am still unsure why and I think it is the uncertainty that is making me feel so alone because I don’t know if I’ve done something to mess up. Relationships in general aren’t great for me, my last girlfriend cheated on me and I am demisexual so I struggle to just get with someone and I often get attached to someone who doesn’t like me back. It is the first time I trusted someone enough to see them after my ex. My mental health had deteriorated before then but I feel like I finally found someone to talk to again and they don’t care how I feel. With my parents they both have told me just this year that they would have had better lives had I not been born, when I was a kid they used to tell me how much I made things worse for them, by the time I was 12 I had already cut and attempted suicide. I know that self harm is different for everyone but my personal reasoning is when I hate myself I just want to watch myself bleed. I know that suicide is something I struggle with, I have physically stopped one and been first contact for another 4, all of which survived. I feel like all of those people I would be doing an injustice to if I ended it, but hen again none of them speak to me anymore either. I don’t want to feel this way anymore which is why I’ve got 9 months without doing anything, it’s just that I feel if I relapse then I couldn’t get out of it again, I’ve done this for too long now to have the strength to stop again