I’m a coward

December 31st, 2016by beautifulsinner

im a coward. one big coward with daddy issues. to him, it seems like my problems are far from real, and that they’re just in my head. that if i just “thought” about being happy, i would be. newsflash, depression doesn’t work like that. i cant just turn my suicidal thoughts off. believe me, i would if i could. but i cant, and thats why im sitting here in the psych ward hating myself and wondering why im still alive. id be happy if it was that easy.

but instead, the doctors are trying to get me to talk to my father about my feelings. but i cant. im just too much of a coward to tell him how he makes me feel. how depression effects my every day life. i hate it. i just want to do it already, but for some reason i cant.

i cant even tell my friends how i really feel because im afraid. they know how bad my depression is, but they just expect that im getting better, being in hospital. but im not. and i dont have the heart to correct them. if i could, id tell them how im getting worse. how i dont feel a thing. how numbness just engulfs my body. how my medication makes me feel worse instead of better. how every day, i wish i never woke up.

im in a twisted state of dark thoughts and anxiety.. and i cant seem to shake it. i just want to leave this world. im slipping and no one hears me. people say i just need to hope, but all my hope was taken up when i was in the psych ward in November. now im just nothing. a young girl wishing she was dead.

cheers to 2017, hopefully my last year

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