Pretty much what the title says. A few months ago, I started thinking about suicide, and now it’s to the point I have a death note prepared, just in case the day comes I’m ready to say goodbye. I made many decisions in my life that hindered my options for the future, and now making only enough money to “survive” is looking inevitable. I don’t have a sob story…no chronic pain, or constant depression (I know, I know….then why kill myself?). I just really don’t want to live my entire life being broke….my pride won’t allow it. Just looking for 100% honesty through debates and opinions. Please don’t be the” hero”, and tell me everything you think I want to hear. I’m looking for an honest conversation.
P.S- I’m 23, and $20,000+ in debt. I’ve been unemployed for over a year now, and was trying to join the Navy, but that fell through.
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No…not having enough cash to live on positively sucks…it is a depressing, soul-sucking existence. So then let’s be honest. And I’ll apologize now if I don’t get back to you ’til tomorrow. IF you can take the pride and emotion out of it, you can make an honest assessment of what you can accomplish. $20k is a lot of dough. If you honestly can’t repay it, go into bankruptcy. Hell, if it’s good enough for the president-elect of the U.S., it’s good enough for us common folk. You’re young…trust me. I’m staring 57 square in the ass. You have energy. You seem pretty bright. what do you enjoy doing? Honestly? My gut reaction is that you have the potential to start over and be successful. I wouldn’t lie to you.
I possess little to no skills. Everyday, for the past year and a half, I’ve been unemployed, and ended up playing video games every single day. To make a long story short, I have a criminal record, and a job history that doesn’t look good on paper. This is why I’ve been unemployed for so long. At first, I wasn’t worried about being unemployed. I lost the best job I ever had (construction), but I “knew” I could always join the military if things come to worst. Well things came to worst, and now my only option is to work at a gas station the rest of my life…..Wal-Mart wouldn’t even hire me. I know these were my mistakes that got me into this situation. I’m not blaming anyone, and I’ve already changed my ways. But I feel like I changed a little too late. I have around 36 college credits, but I can’t go back to school due to debts and me being poor. I wanted to do I.T in the Navy, so I could eventually become a Cyber Warfare Engineer. If I had to name some things I’m interested in, I guess I would say computers, and video games…..not much else. I do enjoy socializing with people, and helping them out. But regardless, finding a job that fits my interests is extremely slim, especially since I wasn’t able to finish school.
I forgot to mention, I thought about declaring bankruptcy, but in the end that wouldn’t solve much. My credit is already fucked, and me filing for bankruptcy will make my credit score plummet even further. This means I will never be able to get a loan for a house, car, or anything for that matter (unless future girlfriend/wife puts the loan in her name). I will be stuck at a dead in job, with no means to support a family. Overall, I’m forever doomed to live at my parent’s house, working every single day, just to receive no rewards or compensation for it.
It depends how bad your credit is. If it’s already fucked, then there’s no reason not to file for bankruptcy. The bankruptcy will show on your credit report for 7 years. After that, you’re good!
debt is just a concept you need to rid your mind off
you will never “need” to buy a house, a car so on, you “want” those things,
renting living accommodations is mostly often cheaper, and has better benefits, and even if that’s fails there is always a tent.
You could be 10million in debt and still get out just fine, if you could free you mind of the worry and the “wants”
now the “philosophy” part is taken care of let me move on to something closer to earth
Couple of years back when I yet again was making plans, I thought “what if I deliberately wreck my life/finances so that I have no going back”
Lo and behold, turns out they managed to transfuse me and stitch me up and pump some life back in me.
So now what. I had debt, not as much as you, but enough for me since I had no job, no education, no chance of either, and no desire to get one neither, no place to live.
Going by the motions for a while, pretty distraught of my failure, well technical success, but the intervening and their success put me a bit off
Lived in a shelter, got on unemployment/well fare whatever you call it, found a cheap place to live, well place might be kind, sorta like a closet, big enough for a bed and a dresser, smaller than some prison cells
Got in some therapy/programs, was kind of mandatory for me at the time, and then a string of work, jobless-back on unemployment, back and forth, unable to hold anything for good.
Managed to pay of some of the money, but here is the kicker, I don’t care
I’m still not happy, still plenty suicidal, and I don’t mind missing out on certain materialistic things like a house, or 2000$ Gucci bag so on, but I buy what I can without caring if I go further in debt, hmm lets see, this months phone bill vs steak dinner for tonight? oh well not like I had any friends to call anyway, steak it is.
Only thing I now make sure to pay is my rent, because I need a “shelter”, anything else, besides food, is just a figment of your mind’s unneeded desires
Long story short, debt while might not exactly being fun, it’s not the “end all be all” some think. And if you do plan to go through with suicide, just make sure you succeed, because otherwise then you are just right back in the suck.
I already have that mindset of not”wanting” things, and only getting the things I “need” (besides beer). The problem is I can’t even buy the things I need. I’ve been living off those around me, slowly draining them of their money, like I’m some god damn parasite. It’s gotten to the point that I make myself sick whenever I have to ask them for money, but I do anyways because I have to. I can’t afford gas, can’t afford rent, and the only reason I’m able to feed myself is because my dad and sister are gracious enough to support me. As far as the future goes….how will I ever be able to support a family if I can’t even support myself? Should I just live the rest of my life financially fucked, always thinking about how much of a failure I’ve become? And don’t worry about me having a failed suicide….I’m not one to half ass something if I’m serious about it. I’ll be damned if I fail, and have those awkward ass conversations with my family.
Walmart sucks…trust me. And while I agree a gas station isn’t going to make it forever, if you continue to show a consistent track record there and stay out of trouble, somebody is going to see your value and give you a shot. In between video games, try borrowing “What Color Is Your Parachute?” from your library . And a “cyber warfare engineer”? That sounded like a pretty ambitious plan…too bad it fell through.
Yea, I’ve had plenty of ambitious plans in my life, but I fucked them all up. And I would read What Color is Your Parachute?, but that might take too long. If I do end up killing myself, I’d like to do it soon before Christmas gets too close. If I don’t get a job by the end of December, my dad will kick me out of the house…so I don’t have much time. I don’t blame him either. He’s been supporting me for over a year now, even though I couldn’t pay rent or even buy food. Now he’s having financial troubles too, and I’m part to the problem. I’m grateful he allowed me to stay with him as long as he did, but I can’t continue on knowing how much of a burden I am to those around me. Not just my dad, but I constantly have to ask others for money too, and I’m just sick of it…really, really sick of it.
I have no doubt you’re sick of asking people for money. It’s demeaning. But honestly, I’d rather see you feel demeaned a little longer than dead. You are 23 years old. I know you can’t see this now, but the potential exists for you to be going in a positive direction in a few years. Just think about it…maybe no being where you want to be, but at least supporting yourself. You’d be 25, 26. You still have your whole life ahead of you. Yeah…the next few years will probably be a *****. But my gut tells me you can pull it off…and my gut is pretty substantial.! 😉
Will your dad let you stay if you’re contributing financially? And if he sees you out looking, would he be willing to extend that December deadline?
One final thought…up here (MA) the “unemployment” centers focus more on finding people jobs than working unemployment claims. They might be worth a try if you haven’t already been there.
I can’t even lie…your post made me cry for a good 5 minutes. I’m not even sure if it’s because I’ve been bottling up all my emotions, or if it’s because there’s someone out there who truly gives a fuck about me….even if it’s slightly. I know my family cares about me, but that’s expected of them…you know? I know my dad will let me stay with him if he know’s I’m truly trying, but in all honesty, I gave up a long time ago….I really, and truly want to die. And I can’t help but to hate you, only because you gave me a tiny bit of hope I didn’t know I could have. In the end, I know I can still live with my dad, work enough to get by, and live long enough to see more happy moments with my friends and family….but god dammit, I really want to die…..I truly mean that from the bottom of my heart.
I do give a fuck about you. You see someone who’s fucked up and hopeless at 23. I see someone who’s made mistakes but has the potential to change…and still have a huge part of their life ahead of them. I hope this makes sense, but if you want to die, just be clear about why you’re doing it. If you’re honestly tired of life and just had enough, fine. But if you think you have no way out and you’re situation is hopeless, I disagree. It can be far worse. Even though family is supposed to be supportive, many are not; these pages are littered with folks whose parents made their lives a living hell. There IS hope. You sound like the choice to live is at least…intriguing. Let me know if I can help. Email: stevetheoldman(at)gmail(dot)com.