I do spread hope when I feel it. I at least try, but I am not feeling it today. I woke up in tears. Life is not for me. It never was. I have always felt out of place since I was a child, like I just wasn’t meant to be a human. What the fuck? All I have been doing my entire life is fighting and fighting to stay alive and drowning in the process. I will not forget some success I’ve had. I give myself a lot of credit for toughing it out, but I am tired.
And didn’t you hear? The world is going to end anyway. It was confirmed we will be destroyed. So I guess we will be put out of our misery soon enough when nature takes its course, but I still want it to be over already.
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I still feel blessed deep down. I’m such a conflicted individual, it’s hilarious. I just had a wonderful memory of talking to this guy about how I have found my way back to Christianity. He said he had been baptized and is a Christian. Good Lord, he was hot. I am talking Ryan Phillippe (sp?) hot. Just thinking about him put a smile on my face. Haha
I think Ryan Phillipe is a bit underrated.
He was so sexy in Cruel Intentions! He is a pretty good actor.
I can’t even remember that film, only the title. Oh, yeah, it was that love triangle, right?
I saw this relatively recent one (I’m old, so it could be up to ten year old, and I would still call it “recent”), in which he plays a journalist investigating something shady (which I don’t remember what was, either). Anyway, great acting. And yes, he is a very handsome man. He also has that kinda cool sulky expression. Very ’90s.
Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but I think he’s with Reese Witherspoon, who is A-ok in my book.
I know the film you’re talking about! I just can’t remember the name. Yes, Cruel Intentions was the love triangle. Reese Witherspoon was in it with him. That was his wife at the time. He also happens to be a cool, down-to-Earth guy. I heard him interviewed on Howard Stern’s show a few times.
He’s divorced from Reese now. That was sad when they divorce. Last I heard, he’s with a really beautiful woman who is a lawyer.
Lol I wonder how they met…
brokenandbent30,
Not in disagreement with you but i’m going to flip it around a bit in any case the results are the same. You are exactually what you were meant to be a human, we humans have a hard time accepting what we are, were far from perfect living all together in a world that we can’t accept and don’t understand why, there is so much that is wrong with us, we are Yugos remember that fucked up car! dammed to be destroyed one day “extinct” OH WELL 🙂 I’ve accepted that, it made it easier to live with it. We were born to struggle and to try to survive then we die, we all know that ain’t easy, but that’s our job,for a lack of a better sounding answer. I myself try to do things I enjoy to forget THE MISERABLE situation were in, watch comedy, eat things I enjoy, and do things I enjoy doing, It helps me not to dwell on how fucked up things are. It’s not a solution but a choice within my power.
You’re absolutely right and I am feeling better now. Listening to a church service on the radio helped a lot. It’s like God was speaking to me. The pastor was talking about how we have to stop exhausting ourselves and how we have to make time for rest so that we can be of better service to God and others. Also, it made me realize I need to surrender and let go of things. I worry too much. There are things that are not in our control. So I need to chill out.
Doing things you enjoy is the best! I read in a book that life is like a catalogue, it will give you a selection of what you love and don’t love. Always choose what you love. Do not give attention to what you do not love. It doesn’t service you. It also doesn’t service you to feel bad about yourself or not good enough. I have to keep all of these things in mind.
Your fun attitude is always appreciated. Have a great day! 🙂
I like the catalogue idea.
brokenandbent30,
Thank you! You made me smile this this morning! 🙂
Me too! It’s cool to look at life that way. Makes a lot of sense.
Yeah. I have sort of tried it once or twice, and it seemed to work. I guess I struggle with some guilt over just going for what I want, because otherwise I can’t think of why I wouldn’t just use that approach all the time.
I get it. We’re used to feeling down so we think we don’t deserve to feel good or happy, but we actually do! All that guilt and shame needs to go. You are already a masterpiece and God is still molding you. You already have what it takes. We need to break the negative thinking cycle. I understand though, of course.
I believe that the most effective way of changing your thinking is changing your behaviour. Just like a scientist constructs a hypothesis and then sets out to prove/disprove it.
The problem with changing your beliefs like that is that “the more I try, the more I fail”.
Of course! If you never tried, you would never fail. But in a way, you would fail everything, because you would never achieve anything.
It is hard, though, going from playing it safe to taking risks.
Wow brokenandbent30 I could’ve written your post myself…..I feel exactly like this at times. Right now I am on the sunnier side of things,but six months ago I was right in this spot feeling tired and resenting life…my whole life existence. Good to see you have some hope though and your faith is helping you through those dark periods.
I am so happy you are doing well now! Keep going! It’s honestly a miracle I am back into Christianity. I did not believe for a decade or so. My trials and tribulations have revealed things to me. I cannot deny God has saved my life and continues to save my life. I have even seen supernatural things. There is a war. The Devil is taking many people down, but we are not meant to be down. I really hope others see the light too. Continue to be blessed.