At one point in my life I swore I was in love. It consumed me I sacrificed myself entirely, nothing mattered but him. Its only been 2 years, but when I look back it feels like it was a life time ago. It feels unreal like some dream I had that I’m struggling to remember. Now that I think about it I tell myself I never loved him I felt manipulated, I was scared of being alone so I stayed I dealt with all of it. But not for love but rather fear or attachment. And yet in every guy I’ve met after I find something that I can relate to that guy I swear I didn’t ever love and my heart smiles because it was a good thing, a funny thing that I remembered. Those bits in pieces that were good. I’m stuck in a situation with someone else now for what reason I’m not really sure. I don’t know if I’m attached or if I’m afraid of being alone. I mean I’ve left him, if stopped talking to him and seeing him for months. So that contradicts the idea of being attached or afraid of being alone. He laughs when I tell him that I’m attached, he says I’m completely unattached. He makes it a point to express the lack of love and the reason why sex seems like it’s missing something. I don’t love him and he doesn’t love me yet we care about one another and its stupid. I cry sometimes and I wish that he could just leave me alone. Something is wrong with me and I don’t know what it is so I can fix it.
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5 comments
You are not crazy. I have experienced something similar. It seems you guys have a platonic relationship? Love is a very broad word. Don’t allow the world to define what love is. You can find your own definition. Love is like water it can take any shape and that’s what makes love special.
No it isn’t platonic at all because we do have sex.
Sounds to me like you are using each other for different reasons and neither is healthy…especially for you. Emotionally you’d be smart to end it and cease contact with him. I have been there before a couple times and once I broke the contact along with the relationship I was much better off. Love yourself first and foremost.
I feel like there is a friendship here. Like he genuinely cares in situations when he doesn’t have to. He listens to me when I need it and I try and do the same. Deep down I know that this isn’t what I want, he isn’t who I want. At least not as a partner or anything long term really. But giving that up has happened, I’m capable of it. At this point I figure what harm is it really doing? And right now I don’t feel much like loving myself I feel nothing.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. Love is complex, I think.
A researcher, Helen Fischer, divides it into lust, attraction and attachment. These can happen independently of each other.
If you can’t get someone out of your head, maybe your head is telling you to have some kind of relationship with them, be that as a friend, lover, partner or something else.