well technically an ex junky , but no less baffling. here i am, 40years old. finally doing the right things in my life. not using drugs, working all the time, basically trying to be a good human. when i meet someone who is destined to change my life, which they did. im talking about someone who is so much like the other half of me its not even funny. a person who was dealt a shit hand in the early part of life but didnt get all twisted and fucked up, instead decided to do whatever they could to help people who went thru a similar experience. so as of this weekend the world in its infinite wisdom chose to take this person from me, courtesy of an inoperable tumor. thanks world.
so wheres the fucking justice in this place. so many ass head fuckwits who do messed up things to their fellow humans get to live a long life but yet time and time again i hear stories of good people who get taken from this world way before their time. usually in fucked up ways too. so is it just me, or do others find the world as baffling as i do?
as a form of self protection i taught myself early on to not get attached, so i have had very little experience with loss and grief. so the one time i do, this happens. fuck it. it hurts. im a mess right now. crying all the time. im fucked. when will this stop? i cant handle this shit. all i want to do is start using drugs again, but that would be shitting all over the memory of my dear friend. i hate this. when will it stop?when will it start to get easier? when will i stop feeling like someone ripped a hole inside me?
im sorry if u read this, im just venting, theres a few mins of ur life u will never get back !!!
5 comments
First off, well done for fighting that battle, it must have been incredibly hard work!
Second, let me offer my condolences. It is terrible to lose someone you are close to. I feel like the only thing that helps is to try to keep their memory alive in a positive way. Fondly remember all you loved about them. That is what I try to do, and I am glad I am doing that, because I had the option of going with a more macabre memory, and I do not want that.
Do not despair. Life can be terribly tough at times, and is certainly not fair, but you still have the right approach. Keep putting yourself out there, listen to your heart and your gut, don’t become cynical and isolated.
Take care 🙂
hey muspelhem, thank u so much for ur kind words. it means alot to me that u even read this, let alone actually giving me just what i actually needed to hear. thank u.
Hey Social 🙂
Only now do I realise this was your post. Lol, sorry man. I am glad if you could use it, and oh, love your latest picture post. The way you say the sun is mocking you – you put into words what I have often felt. Thank you, and respect for fighting your battle!
*Soco
Damn autocorrect.
@Soco – Time. That’s what it takes. Time may often come across like a *****, but many a times its name helps you understand that getting to know it is actually not a bad thing. With time by your side is that you got to know such a beautiful person. And knowing us SPians here, too much of a good thing we can spoil it, too long spending time with someone special and there’s a big chance we’ll screw it up, so be thankful that you lived to meet this human.
Remember that movie “Phenomenon”, with John Travolta and Kyra Sedgwick? There is a dialog that goes like this and I am sure you would have had with KR:
George Malley (JT): Now, uh… he didn’t say how long.
Lace Pennamin (KS): Days, or weeks… they don’t, they don’t know.
George Malley: I’m so sorry, Lace. I know how you hate surprises.
Lace Pennamin: I tried so hard not to love you.
George Malley: How’d you make out?
Lace Pennamin: Terrible.
[they chuckle]
George Malley: Hey, would you, uh, love me the rest of my life?
Lace Pennamin: No. I’m gonna love you for the rest of mine.
Be grateful man, for your friend put that feeling back in you. Hurting so much proves how alive you are, and how much of that person you have in you now, and for the rest of your life!