Oh jeez where to start. I actually haven’t logged onto this site for at least a year maybe longer? It’s hard to remember. I was doing a whole lot better and things were looking up. I had setbacks, times where I struggled but nothing unbearable. Well recently my best friend of 6 years (by far the longest friendship I have ever had) left me. This is the person I have gone to with everything and who I probably care about most in the world. We have been drifting for apart for about a month because I attempted suicide over a PTSD trigger and she got too emotionally invested and used too much energy keeping me around. She’s saved my life multiple times and I think it just became too much for her. Well I got good enough after that I tried to figure out fixing things and it didn’t happen. But worse than that she said she no longer cared about me, didn’t love me, called me abusive (huge hit cause I was abused), and that our entire friendship was built off of my issues and she pitied me. She said she never wanted to talk to me again that I would never get better and that I was a wasteful investment of her energy. Needless to say she has completely shattered my heart and I can’t trust anyone anymore. I would’ve killed myself that night but as I prepared to I got a random phone call from a friend who stayed on the phone with me for hours after she heard me sobbing on the other end of the phone. She then came and babysat me for 2 days forcing me to eat and get up clean myself and continue life. Problem is my best friend was my motivation for me getting better. I wanted to stop burdening her with my issues and make our friendship easier. Now that she’s gone I no longer even care about getting better and I just want to die. She was all I had for years and taught me all my social skills when no one else would put up with me. I’ve started drinking, skipping college, I’m continually messing up at work. I’m just completely miserable and my heart is absolutely broken. I’ve been in therapy for 2 years and it took her all of 40 minutes to dismantle everything and make me worse than I ever have been. In short how do I even begin to cope? I’m so lost and broken and most of all I feel betrayed…
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I’m so sorry. Some people can’t handle those of us who can’t control our emotions and that sucks for us especially when we’ve let someone in so much that they help us. I learned years ago only I can control my depression no one else can get rid of it sure people can help, but if you put yourself into the hands of someone else to help you it will backfire and make you feel worse than before. And that is the worst feeling in the world. I hope you find peace some way and again I’m sorry you’re going thru this. I too am really struggling one of my copping things is getting on here and using it as my diary and getting advice from people who understand my feelings.
I agree with Wanted, it’s really difficult and frustrating to be the “crisis friend” all the time. They can’t help their frustration with our condition any more than we can really. It takes a lot of strength to deal with a severely depressed person and some feel like they are getting dragged into the spiraling vortex along with the depressed person causing them to be depressed themselves. Can’t really fault someone for stepping away if that’s the case.
I do believe we each are in charge of our own happiness, it’s not anyone else’s responsibility but ours, but we do need a support network too and it’s really hard when you lose that. It’s so hard to find someone you trust enough to let in, but you also need to be aware that the support you have lives too and problems of their own so they can’t always put you as first priority and consume themselves with your depression. You just can’t expect that of people, as it’s not realistic. It’s dangerous to put all your self worth on a person, you need to love yourself and live for yourself not just for them.
Maybe if you work on that and learn to manage your depression a bit more on your own, you can reach out to her later and say “Look, I have really worked on dealing with my depression more myself and not let it consume my friendships. I apologize that our friendship became so much about me and my problems and not about us. I would really like to be friends again. Please give me another chance.” and then really try to make the friendship more equal if she allows the chance. It’s all you can do.
The thing is when any relationship you have becomes toxic to the other person for whatever reason, they do have a right to end it. It hurts for sure, and it sucks, but it’s sometimes what we have to accept…. some people just can’t be there forever, it gets to be too much for them to handle.