Hello SP, this is what my writings sound like when I’m feeling “normal”
aka not severely depressed and actually interested in guys for once
I think of the first relationship I had four years ago as a teenager. As he held my hand for the first time, sparks of the most ecstatic feelings coursed through my blood as I felt his coarse hand laced through my fingers and how it was the most electrifying thing I had ever felt. It was high, and I knew even then that highs always come down.
I haven’t gotten over it, not completely.
I think of how I had, since some strange time, tied the feelings of loneliness and certain sexual impulses together. Or is it just my human hormones? Do most people feel this way?
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It’s come back. A tight, longing feeling in my belly that seems to want to squeeze tears out of my eyes but is never able to, not genuinely, never freely.
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I walk. A great flash of yellow light moves into my vision, swaying back and forth as I tread forward. For a moment I think it is the sun. The sun has risen while all those intense things happened.
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It alarms me sometimes, the feelings that I feel when I get too close to a guy. I was hanging out with a guy friend at home this Christmas and my parents weren’t there, we brushed a little too close as he went by and I suddenly felt this rush of absurd but strong lust as if he could push me up against the wall right that moment and I wouldn’t mind. We’re strictly friends and that’s all, but that moment was strange.
Something similar happened again tonight. I was at a Muay Thai taster and paired up with a guy who clearly, like me, had no idea what he was doing. It got to a point where my boxing movements got ridiculously slow and he was able to clasp my hand as I went at him ridiculously gently. I know, I don’t know his name, I’m not (at least consciously) attracted to him, and we parted without a word afterwards.
But the moment when he clasped my hand, the same thing happened again. It’s like someone stabbed a hole through my belly and revealed the gaping hole beneath and I feel achingly vulnerable and want someone to fill it up.
It was the feeling of being held gently that got to me.
There are tears in my eyes.
Tell me I am not alone in this.
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…But no, it is too weak a light, too man-made; I can stare straight into its glassy core without being pulverised. The real sun, mystical belonging of Mother Nature, can obliterate my sight if I dare to directly address her.
It was the sleepy man-made light that illuminated my path as I stopped, looked up at the stars and then typed this.
3 comments
Well no, I certainly don’t think you’re alone in that. If that’s what you want to hear, there it is, and I can say it (or type it) sincerely. Sex (and everything it entails) is perhaps the most powerful directive force of nature, so of course sexual impulse is intense and at times seemingly absurd.
I’ve had similar experiences in the past. The way in which this sort of thing manifests is interestingly varied. For me it tends to feel more like a sudden intense longing for a close companionship rather than a directly sexual impulse or desire. Although it is at its roots, biologically, still based on sexual undertones, even if not consciously. Evidenced, if by nothing else, by the fact that this companionship would lose virtually all of its intensity and meaning if the person in question was of the same gender (for a heterosexual).
As an aside, I like the way you structured this post. It expresses that feeling of deep thought in contrast with the strange world outside your mind very well. How you can lose yourself in thought before being abruptly or perhaps gradually reminded of your surroundings.
Nature is reminding you that as a human being your “duty” is to procreate, or at least that with companionship, life is easier to navigate.
You can choose not to have children, and you can choose to be single, but these urges are ingrained into us. We can ignore them, but most times we can’t really get rid of them entirely.
The older you become, the more you start to realize that you should choose potential companions based on compatibility, not because they’re “hot” and give you butterflies.
Remember that the desire to have sex with random people (for heterosexual men and women of childbearing age), primarily means that subconsciously your body is telling you that you should bring new life into the world. For homosexuals, it can lead to the same thing if they become a couple and decide to have children.
So, next time you’re tempted to engage in sexual activities with someone, ask yourself: “Would I be comfortable with this person being the parent of my child, and thus have them as part of my extended family for a lifetime (and a bloodline that extends further than that)?” If not, then don’t get involved with them (not even sexy activities that wouldn’t directly lead to pregnancy). Sex alone isn’t worth it if the consequences might be disastrous (particularly for heterosexuals).
Thanks for this thoughtful reminder. I think it’s probably the same for homosexuals as well- no risk of pregnancy but a definitively higher risk of certain sexual diseases.
Perhaps religion isn’t wrong in teaching that sex is an almost sacred activity which should be considered seriously, as opposed to this modern casual sex culture.
Thank you for making me think.