The other night I gave myself 19 cuts-the most I have done in one sitting. It actually made me happy for the rest of the night! On an unhappy note, I hate my lack of sympathy for other people. Someone that I look up to loves someone else more than me, and I am sometimes filled with intense hatred. I hate that I am left out and less-loved and that they are both unaware of it. It’s not purposeful-and that makes it worse. The person that is more loved than me has minor health issues, and they said that “it gives them anxiety sometimes even though they’re not an anxious person”. I almost laughed in their face-ANXIETY? You claim to have anxiety?! I know about anxiety! You are carefree! This person’s health issues are oh-so-important to the family, and then it feels like when I say something, I’m ignored. And the health issues are very, very, very minor-they’re not as important as everyone makes them out to be. She just shares every little thing that she feels-which sometimes comes across as annoying and whining (I’m a horrible person, I know.) Also, I hate my personality. I’m either painfully shy or too acerbic-nobody appreciates my personality: they think that I’m mean/too harsh/etc, etc. Also: why do I feel guilty when I share something personal about myself? Like, if I say my favorite song/music artist/etc, I literally feel crushingly guilty. What is this from?
P.S. Another annoying tidbit: everybody calls me “crazy” or “obsessed” when I don’t want to eat alot-because I hate that I’m overweight, etc, but when she eats little, it’s completely fine. Ugh! I hate my life! And I’m so sensitive that if someone says one little thing like that, I have a meltdown (alone, of course: I suck at sharing feelings with other people)
3 comments
I know what you mean about being too shy or too honest, I’m the same way. People assume I’m nice because I don’t say much, but really I’m just holding back a lot of negative thoughts. I’m not cruel or anything though, and I doubt you are either.
I cut for the first time in ages recently using a broken piece of mirror. Didn’t make me feel any better, but it felt necessary. Does it actually make you feel better?
I’m weirdly private about my tastes in music and films, I dunno why. Maybe it’s just insecurity. I don’t feel guilty about it, just embarrassed I guess.
I don’t even try to share my feelings with other people anymore, except for on here sometimes. I’m bad at it, too. SP is my one refuge.
I like your username, by the way. Sorry for rambling.
Yeah, some people are like that. They can say whatever they want, and people treat them like gold. Now if you go and say or do the same thing, everyone jumps down your throat. I get that. I totally do.
Yes, I’m envious those people too. Why can THEY do or say anything they want, and it’s perfectly fine? But when I say it, it’s just wrong/ you’re crazy/ you’re lazy/ you’re stupid/ you’re complaining.
I get you velveteennightingale, I sadly and painfully do.
You’re not rambling, heathclifff. 🙂 I appreciate your response. And when I first started cutting, it did take the pain away. Then I sort of became numb to it. I don’t bleed a lot no matter what I do, but the 19 cuts did temporarily make me feel better. But most of the time-no. I do it, like you, because it feels necessary. And I’m the same about my taste in music and films, etc.