A. Absolutely crummy, completely unmotivated, confused, occasionally uncontrollably suicidal, mood + staying slim and looking normal
B. A constant placated, numb, not calm but more a deep down apathetic (and still unmotivated) feeling + add 5kg of fat, bloat from the belly and other random places
Now I have to choose. This is going to be the ruin of me no matter what.
Which one would you choose?
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right now I’m at A
I fear my body’s internal roller coaster might put me in danger very soon.
Some background: I am a female and suspected to have PMDD. Before starting Mercilon one month ago, my mood was fluctuating insanely all the time. So I went to the GP, got some birth control pills and started them. Lo and behold, I felt more… normal.
It actually wasn’t “more normal.” It felt more like I was standing in an empty room and shit would randomly hit the fan, and the pills cleaned all the shit up but I was still stuck there, in the empty barren room.
When I went home weeks later I had gained 10 pounds. My parents told me to stop- the pills aren’t natural, this isn’t normal, etc.
After going off the pill, it took a week for my body to get back to normal. I felt normal, and healthy, and slim, and reasonably motivated.
Then last night I had a panic attack. I didn’t even realise what it was… thanks to the people on SP I figured out what it was.
I went back on my journal. Three weeks. Five weeks.
This has happened before.
This happens when I’m not taking the Pill.
The last cycle when I wasn’t on the pill, I almost killed myself. I actually almost did. I stopped halfway through and no damage was done.
But this is an awful choice to have to make as a woman.
3 comments
If you actually fill better with B, id say that. You could always do some exercise to combat the extra weight if you care about that. Not so sure that what happened to you was a panic attack tho… i’ve seen and had panic attacks and you pretty much loose control entirely, or maybe i’m confusing it with an anxiety moment you posted about earlier. In any case, yeah B, because the side effects can be definitely addressed.
I’d choose A because you said
That B you add 5 KG of fat and to me I’d rather be dead than destroy my lean body
I’ve kind of been in both shoes in a way, but I think I would prefer A just a little more, if only for the fact that I’ve always had terrible insecurity about my weight. Sure I’d be suicidal but at least I’d hate myself a little bit less.