for once in my life i want to feel like i am enough. i want to feel like ive accomplished things, great things. things that people will remember. i want to feel like people value me as a person. i want to feel like ive impacted the world in a good way. i dont want to be invisible. i just want to feel like im good enough.
i dont even fucking feel good enough for my illness. i feel like this is my fault that im depressed. that its my fault i have anxiety. i feel like fucking shit and im mad at myself for not being able to cope. for being so weak. i am not strong, im weak. this illness isnt making me strong, its making me weaker.
today we had a family meeting with my psychiatrist and my mom they kept telling me that i should look at how i would impact my moms life if i was dead. my mom got emotional and it made me upset knowing how little i care. it upsets me that i fail to believe these things even though im trying as hard as i can. more importantly, it scares me how little i care what would happen to those around me if i killed myself. why cant i just fucking believe everything theyre saying. why cant i just appreciate the life im living. i have a happy family and a good future ahead of me. so why cant i just appreciate that and be happy with my life? why do i have to be such a fucking fuck up adding all this stress to those around me.
1 comment
Because we are human and we aren’t made to be perfect no matter how hard we try or want to be. It’s a tall order to fill and one that is impossible quite frankly. It’s ok to not get it right every time, to not feel on top of the world every day, to not be what others expect or want you to be… they certainly aren’t right? I think deep inside you do care about the others around you and what will happen if you die. I think the depression and other mental illnesses take over and make you feel that detachment cause it’s easier to succumb to the pain the more you detach from others… like it’s ok to go if you can convince yourself you don’t care… but the fact you get upset AT ALL shows you do actually care. It really is true that there can be a mask involved…. that we wear for more than just hiding to the outside world how we are really feeling inside, but I think we hide behind it to fool ourselves too. It’s the internal battle we are fighting with our illness, and it tries to mask our strength and hope and fear so we can make that step… that final step we think we want and need so badly when, for many of us, we really don’t.
We expect too much… from ourselves and each other and of course are frustrated when we don’t get it… but is it worth throwing life away… throwing everything away? Or should we let ourselves off the hook and laugh because it is ridiculous to expect perfection and things to be right and great all the time. For people to always be cheerful and smiling and laughing having a good time… it’s not realistic or possible…. not all the time.
You do care beautifulsinner… the real you does. It’s the mask of the illness that is making you think otherwise. The real you has dreams that are attainable and life with promise… you just have to fight everyday for it cause you deserve it…. we all do.