Today I nearly hit the end, luckily I found this site so I can at least possibly get somethings off my chest. My depression started about 7 or 8 so years ago when I was in middle school. I never was really to social but I made enough friends to get me by middle and high school. Though I only did so out of the wishes for everyone around me. Really I don’t know why I am who I am. I’ve been writing this great story with tons of different characters all more interesting than I’ll ever be. They’re in a fantasy world with so much action and adventure, but I hardly ever actually write or type it out its mostly in my head..
For the longest time I’ve actually wished I was someone else. Weirdly enough I’ve had another person in my head with me all this time, A girl whose name changes a few times whatever name I like more at a current time right now she’s Chloe. Chloe is someone I wish I could be she’s got a better life than me in my opinion, I always am able to dream about her life when I sleep every night, probably for the last 7 years I’ve been able to live through her life in my dreams. In reality though I’ve been a good student in school graduated with a good 3.6 GPA and even got accepted into a university. My friends and family also have been living well and supportive.
Though i had some mishaps, in senior year I began cross dressing when no one was home to try and simulate Chloe into the real world. I was eventually found out and I did tell my parents I’d like to undergo a the big change but they wiped it away as me just being lonely. It’s true I’ve never had a girlfriend or anything but I admire women a lot. Maybe because I dream of living as one every night I don’t really know for sure. But they mentally tried to get me out of it. though I still think of doing it every week, it could be I’m sad that I can’t become someone else and erase my sad life to move on as a new person.
Aside from that which I think is the main problem when I did get into college nothing came of it. When I got to college I didn’t like it at all. I lied through it skipping classes and telling my parents what they wanted to hear until I was finally kicked out. Then we had a big talk about what I’d really like to do and I told them about my story how I wanted to draw out my characters make them reality and tell this story that has been so stuck in my head all these years. So they got me into community college, and I did the same thing again! Skipped classes gave up on it entirely and lied through it. I failed my last semester and today received word that I’ve now been NA on my 4 new classes for winter since I skipped class the past 2 weeks. So after this semester I’ll be dropping out of community college as well.
I’ve just given up at this point failed twice already, and wish to be someone else. Starting to believe in reincarnation being a thing so maybe if I do end it now I can possibly be Chloe in my next life the girl that I’ve been living as through a dream. I am a only child though My parents already in their mid 40’s they’d probably be devastated. My mother lost both her parents while she was growing up and my dad lost his father. They always say how I mean the world to them and I believe that is true. But I hate being me, I figure I could tell them I’ve dropped out again and we’ll go through another big moment maybe they’ll finally kick me out and let me go live on my own though that would help anything on my end really. Figured I could just use my dad’s newly bought gun and save us all the trouble of whatever crazy events may happen next. Too bad I don’t know where he hides it, I tried looking on a earlier day to no avail. So now I’m here, sure I’ve contemplated talking to a psychiatrist but do they really help? Half of me thinks if I can at least save up enough money to go through with the process of srs I can just be Chloe the rest of my sorry life and leave my past behind me. It’d be better than offing myself but severing ties with my family would only hurt them. Maybe I worry about others too much I should do what I think is best for me. So that is why I say I am lost, maybe I can find answers hear on this site , is that why I came across this place? All I could do is post my story and find out..