I am guessing many here feel like me. I am terrified to keep living, I am miserable every day and have no hope that my future will be better. I have tried meds and counseling. Nothing works, I am simply broken and need to die.
But I am equally terrified to die. I am not religious or even really spiritual. My survival instinct simply overtakes me when I come close to killing myself, and I am scared I would fuck it up and leave myself brain damaged or worse. I also cannot imagine nothingness and it scares me. The moment of death scares me. I wish I had some ******** so I would know for a fact I would die painlessly.
Anyone else stuck between living and dying? It’s a living hell for me.
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I once read that suicide doesn’t end depression, it just passes onto another—I thought of someone I love feeling an ounce of what I feel on a daily basis and that stopped me from wanting to kill myself. So I guess I’m living my own personal hell too.
Yes it kills me to think of the people that will be affected. My immediate family, my few friends, my recent ex who I know will blame themselves even though it is not their fault. I am a very selfless person, it pains me to think I could hurt someone. But I keep hurting people without meaning to, alienating them from me. I am wondering if maybe I need to commit one selfish act, the final act, because I’m miserable. The people around me don’t know that though, and I am sorry it will surprise them and hurt them.
I guess that’s the irony of the situation, you have the power to decide your own destiny but at the same time you feel so powerless. I don’t have the courage to kill myself and I don’t have the courage to live, so what exactly am I really doing?
Hi AllByMyself.. I understand what your saying .. Though I’m at the point where I don’t give a shit about anything anymore . I’m more afraid to live than die now . The death part doesn’t worry me .. It’s more the going through with it that plays on my mind ..
I am pretty much at this point too, and no one relies on me so I really am not abandoning anyone, but I know for example my mother’s life could be ruined. At least she has another son who is normal and well adjusted so I am not leaving her alone. But thinking about the method scares me. I wish I could just jump from a tall building but the prospect of falling and feeling absolute panic terrifies me. I am not handy or coordinated enough to properly make an exit bag. And I don’t know how to acquire something like ********. I sometimes think about running my car into a wall at 70 mph, but I have heard people can survive that against all odds. Knowing my luck I’d wake up in a hospital. I hate how hard it is to die.
I know . I don’t think I would jump to my death or step in front of a train . I have thought of sitting in a room with a generator running to get CO poisoning but I’m a bit worried about fire . Then lately I have watched a few suspension videos and I’m thinking that might be my way out . About 10 seconds – all over .. Beats A holiday to Mexico to try and buy ******** .. And gas is a bit hard to get at 100% . They mix party gas with 20 % air to stop nut jobs killing themselves ..
— Like you nobody relies on me for anything . My parents wouldn’t even know or care if I died . I haven’t seen them in over 25 years .
Wow allby, I may as well have wrote this, been doing nothing but thinking it. As well I agree with mellow as in not giving a shit, im close
As well I find myself ridiculous currenty since I hate myself and my life and csnt seem to do it, or even decide. I have quite a few methods I’ve taken the time to get ready since I keep flip flopping on the ‘best’ way and where. I even pushed myself to get ******** 100%
I feel a lot like im sitting on a fence wanting a push
Jumping or going in front of the choo choo are the only methods I’ve got. Choo choo scares the shit of me tbh, why I’m still here. Shit on the driver, engineer and family, but none of em know the level of mental torture someone can go through on a day to day basis that makes you consider the method.
Eather way you go replace your fears with curiosity, and I hope you choose to live.
I feel exactly the same. I’m not scared to die but I couldn’t bear the thought of not dying and being in a worse place than I am already by ruining my physical health. It’s truly terrible that there isn’t just an option to just go to sleep and not wake up. Why does dying have to be as painful as our lives have been?
Well said, same situation here. I imagine nothingness as pretty much the same state as before we were born, the passing of the ages caused me no distress then.
It really must be hell on earth for those that truly want out….. there are no guarantees no matter what method: trains, jumping, gassing, pills. Room for error with all of ’em and the guts you need for some. I just don’t think I could jump from a building or in front of a train… I just don’t have that kind of nerve.